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Searching for my Drive

Being a first time pregnant lady, soon to be mom, I do a lot of reading about what to expect and what is going on with my baby and in my body. At 30 weeks of pregnancy, my baby is somewhere between 2 and 4 pounds, he’s the size of a big round squash (that, even if I liked, I could totally never eat now, because that’s my baby!) and he has eyelashes, among many other real baby things. His chances of survival are now 95%, which is a really nice statistic.

I also know that there are normal changes happening in my body. My hips are spreading to be the width of a land barge, my breasts are just absurd and doing absurd things I’m not ready to write about, and my hormones are pretty much out of control. The other day I hit my husband without even a second thought as if that is a normal response to him doing something annoying. I am clearly not myself.

One of the common themes of my research about this stage of pregnancy is how women react to these hormones. And it seems that for many women, these hormones increase their sex drive monumentally. The more I read this, the more I wonder who these women are, because I am clearly not one of them.

I wrote in my first trimester about how having sex scared me, even though I logically knew it was safe. That fear gradually diminished, but my libido never really rebounded very much like I was told it would. And now that I am sporting a huge, wiggly belly, I feel just about anything but sexy. And to be perfectly honest, I’m totally afraid all over again.

In the past week, drinking too much or too little water, standing up too quickly, gas and just about every thing else I do day-to-day results in my irritable uterus contracting for a solid minute. And while I am not on any kind of bed rest or pelvic rest, I feel like sex would just be asking for the contractions to be kicked into higher gear. Maybe I’m wrong, but since the contraction meltdown and hospital visit last weekend, I’m too scared to try. Especially since my doctor cracked down on my contractions and said that from now on, 4 or more in an hour requires a trip to the hospital. I have zero desire to go to labor and delivery for fooling around with my husband.

And even if I wasn’t scared, I just have no drive. I’m tired. I’m huge. I hurt everywhere.

I keep reading about this alleged hormone surge and wondering what the deal is. Did I not get the same dose of hormones as everyone else? Is my complete disinterest in sex normal? And how do I explain this to my very patient husband? No matter how much I explain that it’s not related to him, I can tell that he doesn’t quite believe me and that he’s suffering as much if not more than I am.

Am I the only one who has made it through 30 weeks of pregnancy without a high libido?

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