Secondary Infertility Hurts TooDevan McGuinness
I have three gorgeous children at home. I fought to bring them into my life just as I am struggling again now with getting pregnant. 13 months and, while I know our time will come soon, the pain from this infertility journey has been very real.
I have received incredible support through sharing my struggles, but that also comes along with people who just don’t seem to get it. They try to quantify my pain and pack it in the little box where they feel it should be. They seem to believe that for some reason, because I have children already who I can hold and cuddle and raise, that my path through infertility is somehow not as “hard” or “difficult” as someone who is still fighting for their first child.
I don’t like this “who has it worse?” attitude. I’ve faced it when I chose to discuss my miscarriage past and I am seeing it again as I discuss my infertility struggles. I don’t understand why we feel the need to compare pain and argue about why someone has it worse, or better, or if you feel emotions should be different depending on the situation.
Secondary infertility hurts too.
Yes, my body in the past has been able to get pregnant — not without a fight though. The size of my family does not diminish the very real struggle of wishing my body would do what it is supposed to do, even though it just doesn’t get it right now. We’re still conflicted over whether or not we’ve exhausted our options. We still have the strong feeling that someone is missing and fighting to bring them to my life is very real.
It’s not easier or harder than anyone else just because I have living children. Will I be okay if we don’t ever conceive? Yes. Will I still feel that tug of sadness when I think about not being able to bring another life to the world? Definitely. Do I still have the right to feel what I am feeling, seek support, and rejoice when or if it happens? Totally.
And you do too.
We need to stop comparing our pain amongst each other (who struggled longer, who had it easier, who has kids already) and just focus all that wasted energy into useful support for each other. We may never totally understand the shoes that the other person is walking in, but we can still acknowledge that their walk deserves support as well.
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