Should Dad Skip the Birth?
ceridwen
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Researchers at the Centre for Biomedical Ethics at the University of Birmingham believe that dad’s involvement in pregnancy and childbirth might actually be setting him up to fail as a new father. Here’s the logic: These days, men are expected to really go through the pregnancy and birth with their partners — attend “antenatal classes” and assist during labor. But hard as he may try, the fact is he’s not the one doing the work. So he begins to feel like a passive, useless partner and this lack of mojo carries over into actual parenthood.
“It can then be very difficult for him to regain faith in himself once the baby is born and move from that passive state to being a proactive father,” says Dr. Jonathan Ives, co-author of the paper.
If dad is less involved in the pregnancy and skips the childbirth classes and the birth, Ives and colleague Dr. Heather Draper predict he’ll be more confident.
It may seem counter-intuitive from someone who teaches those supposedly ego-destroying antenatal classes — I am a certified childbirth educator — but in some ways, I think these researchers are actually onto something.
On the first day of my childbirth classes, when we do introductions, almost without exception, one dad will joke, “the pregnancy has been fine…for me.” Everyone laughs because yes, despite the fact that we are here together and we are due, and we are excited and we are pregnant, the hilarious, crazy truth is that we are not. She is. I have heard the phrase “pregnant person” come from my friends and colleagues’ mouths more than a few times. Can we agree it’s a pregnant woman?
America really loves equality though. For better or for worse, it continues to be the primary force behind the women’s movement. But gestating and birthing a baby isn’t something men and women can share equally. It’s a time in our lives when the differences between men and women are starkly apparent. Perhaps the first time. When we try to force a template of equal partnership onto a physiological situation that just isn’t the same for men and women, are we really helping anyone? So many times I’ve heard new moms — even the most liberated among us — conclude at some point soon after the birth, “it really is different for us.” Men say the same thing. And, from my personal experience and many others’ I see, the dads do feel passive and helpless.
But should guys really sit out the labor? Now I can hear all of us freaking out over this; we’ve come such a long way! We cannot send the dad back to the waiting room with Don Draper and a bottle of rye. But wait:
Recently French obstetrician Michel Odent announced that women do better — with shorter, more straightforward births —when they labor with just one other woman in the room with them. No men. No male doctor. No male partner. Guys slow things down. Labor, in other words, is woman’s work. From all I know about the way birth works, I can see how, on an important level, this could be true. And, in a perhaps distinctly French way, the separation of the sexes here is not necessarily sexist.
In Odent’s birthing center, women are treated like goddesses and attended to by the most loving, experienced sage femmes (midwives). These women are having a very woman-focused, totally supported experience that does not in any way equal the Don-and-Betty-Draper model.
But here’s where we get to some problems: If dad is not with mom in labor here in America, who is? In our current model of care, that would be — for the most part — a fetal monitor. Actually, it depends on the caregiver and where you are and whether you BYO support in the form of a considerably pricey but proven effective labor doula. But for the most part, our system is set up for women to go through early and a good part of active labor without much human support. Hence, dad.
Plus, it’s the birth of your first baby — he should be there! Right? I wanted my husband there. Even though the first time around, both of us could have used a sage femme. But more importantly, let’s set the tone for working together and being supportive of one another as we bumble through this experience that will continue to be a unique experience for each partner. Keeping him out could very easily alienate him from the process and make him feel like all this baby stuff is a mystery. As Madeline Holler points out over on Strollerderby, this could truly kick in other elements of the Mad Men era — dad starts out in the waiting room and never really comes back in.
Lack of support in pregnancy and postpartum correlates with postpartum depression. Women need to get it from someone.
So, instead of keeping dad away, maybe the answer is as simple as acknowledging that the period of pregnancy and birth can be weird and awkward and alienating for him. We can talk more about the differences between men and women’s experiences. We can give mom permission to go through a distinctly female experience without feeling like she’s a sell-out to women’s rights. We should look harder at why dad is feeling so passive in the delivery room and give him better tools to help his pregnant/birthing/lactating partner in a way that bolsters confidence. I spend much of my time in birth classes showing men precisely how not to be passive. I don’t talk about how he can go through labor, but how he can support it. And I do see an up-swing in confidence.
Dr. Ives, who is a featured speaker at an upcoming conference entitled, “Pregnancy and Pregnancy Planning in the New Parenting Culture” is, according to the Guardian, leading a, £100,000 study called, “The Moral Habitus of Fatherhood.” I’d be more intrigued with this new research if I could see matching funds applied to studies looking at innovations in the maternity care system that give more support to women (from women) and ways we can help dads understand what they can do.
photo: Salim Fadhley/Flckr
I get the part about why it’s better for the mother to labor unfettered by worry about her partner’s needs. But I agree with you: if the problem is that men feel uneducated and alienated, accepting that seems like a fairly unproductive solution. Won’t we just perpetuate the problem by taking for granted that fathers shouldn’t be expected to participate? Where does this trajectory end? Dads have low self esteem about changing diapers too. And then there’s making dinner, and doing laundry, and…how does anyone’s confidence improve by avoiding the situation that’s giving them anxiety?
Hey Ceridwen – An interesting read, indeed.
Do you think that the positive birthing outcomes reported by Odent is about lack of maleness, per se, or lack of intimate partner in the birthing room that makes the difference in the relative ease of those labors? Or, the presence of another woman combined with the lack of maleness?
I am thinking how this would play out with same-sex female partners in which one of them is birthing and the other is the support partner. Surely the University of Birmingham study was not conducted vis a vis gender of the birthing woman’s partner.
I certainly think that there is something to be said for the distinct psychological experience of having the person romantically connected to you (and let’s be honest, the person whose approval you most seek) in the room during labor… I am just wondering how that dynamic changes, or doesn’t change, based on the gender of the partner.
Food for thought, anyway.
Hope you and yours are and remain well!
Steph
I disagree. My husband was not present for our first child (not his first) and he had a bit of a hard time at first, adjusting and connecting with our first child together. Our second child together was born at home and (though he was really nervous about being there for the homebirth) he was such an enormous help all through my pregnancy and labor, and it carried through to taking care of a newborn. Maybe he was a confident dad because he knew he was so helpful in my pregnancy and delivery.
I agree. I don’t think fathers should necessarily be around for labor. Labor is long, hard work, and, quite honestly, I tend to retreat into myself when I am under stress and through my (natural, drug free, midwife attended) labor, I could not communicate with him (or anyone else for that matter) at all. I don’t know–I don’t honestly remember–what he was doing, but he had to feel fairly useless. When I became frightened, my midwife could see it and knew exactly what to do to pull me through it, then I retreated back into my labor bubble.
I think it’s different for medicated births. Mom is more or less able to converse and be present with her partner and both of them are just waiting out the acutal pushing and birth phase when I think you do want your partner there to be with you. I was so glad my husband was there to witness the arrival of our daughter and cut the cord and hold her. But labor? He should find a comfortable place somewhere else and get some rest. I don’t need him now, but I will need him later.
My goodness this article talks down to men. I’m sorry….I don’t know what else to say except how stupid I think it is. There are men who have a strong sense of self, quite a few of them in fact. This article sounds like most men are insecure, mal-adjusted people.
I think this study is crap.
My Husband helped me make this baby & He should be there to be as involved as he can be. My Husband held me while I got my epidural and sat & joked with me and my sisters while we waited for me to dialate. I had to give birth in the OR so he stood right outside & peeked through the window…but He was there. And I needed Him to be. I don’t care what some study said…it’s all about the two of you communicating your needs, & feelings during the whole process and beyond. THAT makes a good Husband, Father and Partner for life.
My husband was with me every step of the way in my (also drug-free) labor, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way — and neither would he! It was a hospital birth, but with our own doula there, as well. Brian (my husband) was great at helping me stay focused without getting TOO focused on the dilation & effacement numbers and the like, plus he did great at providing counterpressure for my back labor.
I will say that I think it’s important for your husband to not be your only ‘BYO support,’ as the article called it. With Brian free to participate with me, instead of having to provide for me during labor, it was amazing for him to be there. If he had had to be ‘in charge’ — running interference with docs, and the like — I think it would have been worse for both of us.
In a nutshell: by all means, if dads want to attend labor, and moms want them there, let them! But if either party thinks it would be more hindrance than help, that’s okay, too. And if at all possible, GET A DOULA!
Again, I agree with everyone that men should be involved in pregnancy and birth, and mine certainly was, but I there are times when it really is just you, your body and your baby and I think we need to give ourselves permission to claim the experience as our own when we need to. Why shouldn’t I let him off the hook to “be there” when what I really needed was the space to get the job done? My kids are older now (6 and 8) and my husband is, and always has been, a loving, involved father, but part of how we parent effectively is by understanding that the relationship we have with our children is sometimes a one-on-one. We are not always a whole family unit. If he is having an issue with one of the kids and disciplining them or working something through with them, I do not get involved or attempt to participate. I let him have his time with them and keep his communication direct and clear, trusting his relationship and his instincts in that particular situation. If I think he is wrong, I will talk to him about it later, but I won’t step in. If I think he is really off base, I’ll shoot him a look, but I still won’t step in. He has a phenomenal track record as a fabulous dad and I show my respect by trusting him. This is exactly how I felt about labor. Labor was my job. I’m a true introvert and I can’t stand people pressing in on me when I’m concentrating and working hard. He knows this. He knows me well enough to know when to let me be, and in birth he did, I think, although I literally got so mentally closed in I could not have told you a single thing that went on in the room while I was laboring. My midwife was with me and I had a nurse who monitored the baby’s heartbeat with a doppler at intervals. I had complete tunnel vision and I literally have no idea where my husband was most of the time. I can hardly remember the nurse with her doppler, but I know she was there. What I wish, with hindsight, was that I had formally given him permission to step back from the labor. I felt afterwards that the way birth was set up put pressure on him to be involved, when I really just was going to need to hunker down inside myself and get the job done. You don’t know how it’s going to feel until you’re there. You don’t know how your mind will adapt to tackle the job at hand. I think we need to prepare husbands to step back if the situation calls for it and not feel guilty, but be present enough to participate when the time comes.
These comments are great and bring up so many of the nuances to this topic. I want to reiterate that I don’t agree with the conclusion that men should not attend births. It’s funny a lot of these stories above remind of the times when women say to me about their labors: I wanted him to be there, but not be there. It also makes me think about how long labor is and how many changes there are throughout. Is being their for the birth the same as being there for the labor? And when there is a doula how does that change the dynamic?
I am a childbirth educator in NJ and I have recently been thiking along these lines. There are guys who love and support their moms, but don’t want to see the birth. I’ve had a few dads faint during a childbirth video in class. I think more needs to be done to help them learn to be supportive. Through out history pregnancy and birth has been “women’s work” and I think in this day and age it’s okay now to look at it that way. It can be shared experience with a shift in expectations. Doula’s are a wonderful alternative. And even creating a triad of care for the mother is beneficial as well as for dad.
I can only go on my own personal experience and I was incredibly glad my husband was with us for the birth and after. In early labour I didn’t feel the need for him to be with me at home as I thought he’d end up panicking so I had my mother with me instead. As soon as it started getting closer to the time we’d have to go to the MLU I called him from work and we went together – my mum left us alone at that point. I felt it very important that we worked as a couple – we’d created our child together and would raise him together so why not welcome him to the world together.
The midwives were fantastic – I had excellent care and fabulous facilities (and yes – this was NHS!) but it was such an important part of the experience for me to hold my husband’s hand, to give him comedy winks and for him to feel part of the birth buy cutting the cord and changing his first nappy and dressing him – I was feeding him but I felt tired and sore afterwards and it was great to have him support me – I know doulas have been mentioned but I don’t think Dads should slack on their parental responsibilities and what better way to kick off a relationship with your child than seeing him the second he’s born. He’s family – not employed to be there to help. It’s about forming a bond of love and I think my husband would have resented not being there from the start and have been incredibly jealous of a doula.
My husband wasn’t with his previous partner when she was having their child but he was still at the birth (it was a C-section). Even in those non-traditional circumstances his daughter’s mum would never have denied him that privilege.
Even having had him there I still knew I’d done the hard worl. The only class we went to was a half day at the MLU and that was useful to have him there as we found out about where to park etc – I was in no fit state to remember that at the time so it was good that he knew what was going on.
Speaking as a dad who was very involved in the birth of my son (and continue to be, as an at-home dad) and I think this study is pretty much full of it. It may be true for some guys. I don’t doubt some guys DO say that seeing their child’s birth changed their attraction to their wife, just like some guys don’t change a diaper or take much interest in their child until they can carry on a conversation.
Some guys are morons though.
I was my wife’s coach through labor and delivery. My job was the be there for her so the doctor and nurses could focus on the baby. I know my wife better than anyone else. I can tell when she’s scared, or tired. She needed me there to reassure her, to keep her focused. To be a conduit for some of the pain, even (seriously, she almost broke my hand). I do believe we have a wonderful relationship that is blessed with great communication, but I refuse to believe we’re some sort of anomaly.
Contrary to losing attraction to her, I have never been more proud of my wife than I was seeing how strong she is. Nothing could have made me love her more. She remembers little of the final active labor, but I know it means a lot to her that her husband can tell her all about it, as an eyewitness to the most amazing moment of our lives… especially at those times she needs to be reminded of her strength.
If a man chooses not to be present (or can’t be) in the delivery room, or is there but completely hands off, that’s between he and his wife… but I feel sorry for any man who doesn’t get to experience seeing their child come into the world and take his or her first breaths of air simply because he’s been told (or assumes) he isn’t needed.
Sorry for the wall of text.
Maybe I should blog about this…
Really? Yes, I’m doing the work of carrying this baby and of delivering him. But there is still plenty for my husband to do that is necessary and valid, and that quite honestly I can’t do. Between the two of us, who do you think should be single-handedly carrying the box containing the crib from the back of the car into the house? The pregnant chick, or the guy who’s built like a football lineman? Who should be painting the guest room and the nursery? The pregnant chick who is saving up all her paid leave at work for maternity leave, or the teacher who has a few days off before his summer program starts?
Honestly, the solution here isn’t for men to just step back and not be involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth. Maybe that will work for some men or some couples, but I’m sure it won’t for all. I think the better solution is to focus on what is a realistic set of expectations for men whose partners are pregnant. If pregnancy and labor are women’s work, then what part is men’s work? What can the men do that they are good at?
All I have to say is that my husband would be LIVID if I tried to keep him out of the delivery room. I have asked two close female friends to be present (one is a massage therapist and registered nurse, and the other is a homeopathic nurse, herbalist and my best friend in the area) and he is even a little unhappy about that – he really wants the experience to be “just the two of us, becoming a family” I am so touched by his desire to be there every step of the way – he wasn’t able to go to my first OB appointment with me because he’s a firefighter and had to work a 24 hour shift – and was heartbroken when he found out he had missed getting to hear baby’s heartbeat. He has been to almost every single appointment since, and has worked out a very elaborate plan for when I go into labor – there’s a firetruck, an ambulance and two police cruisers on call to escort me to the hospital… LOL. And all I can say is – by letting him be involved, I have watched his involvement and excitement skyrocket. He went from being nervous about even being IN the delivery room to planning to help deliver our son and cut the cord, and insisting he give our son his first bath – that sounds like an involved Daddy to me!
Abigail, I loved reading your comment. I know exactly what you mean. I felt the same way about wanting my husband to be there– just the two of us, “becoming a family.” And Jennifer, and I think you’re right on. What struck me about the article I was responding to was that there was very little said about what the dad IS supposed to do! Expecting dads I meet tend to worry a lot about car-seat installation and hospital transportation as the birth approaches. And that’s a good thing.
I didn’t need nor did I want my daughter’s father in the delvery room. I had my sister and discovered her ultra calming soothing voice got on my nerves. When the daughter of my best friend came by to see how I was doing, I demanded that she tell her mother to “GET HERE NOW”. My best friend is the type of person to tell you a joke that would gross you out and pop you up side the head for saying something stupid. And she was just what I needed. My husband would have been calm and tried to reason with me and i probably would have said something off the wall that would have hurt his feelings. I called my best friend and the nurses and the doctor every name in the book and at the end of the day she is still my best friend. I don’t know if he would still be my husband, but he is an excellent father to our daughter.
This article saddens me on many levels. It saddens me that some men might not be able to stomach child birth, but it depresses me even more that the best these “researchers” can come up with as a solution to men’s poor self esteem around being a father is to simply bar them from the delivery room.
Why not take a closer look at at the bigger issue here: namely, why do dads feel like “passive, useless partners?” Could it be because men have been spoon fed the idea that we are second class parents? Might media, marketing and pop culture be partly responsible for constantly portraying dad as a bumbling idiot? Could it be that most likely, our fathers were poor role models for what is expected of a modern dad? Could it be because men generally out-earn women and are still fed the idea that financial provider should still be our primary role? Could it be our twisted work place culture that still rewards and respects men who put in more fact time at the office, and labels those who might spend more time with their family as ‘slackers?’ Could it be that an unenlightened mom inadvertently disempowers dad when she constantly takes the crying baby out of his arms so she can comfort him? Could criticism from mom like, “did you pack the diaper bag the right way this time?” or “you aren’t going to take the baby out dressed in THAT, are you?” send the message to dad that he really should just be a Private to General Mom?
All these factors, and countless others give men the message that mom is the natural parent and dad should just be the helper. We are lead to believe that we are of most use to our families at the office–and piss poor studies like this one do nothing to help promote the evolution of fathers and men.
If dads are freaked out by witnessing a birth, we should be offering men better support and creating a culture where he is not belittled or emasculated for asking for help or expressing his fears. We need to understand that, just because we’ve intellectually evolved beyond traditional gender roles that men aren’t still deeply affected by them. Kicking men out of the delivery room will just continue to perpetuate the old stereotypes where eventually, mother father and child all suffer.
What an utter load of crap.
No offense to me, but I think dad can sort out his own feelings. Or just man up. My husband didn’t try to “be a part of” pregnancy in some egalitarian way. He had his own experiences watching me go through pregnancy and labor, which is as it should be. Frankly, if he’d said something like “I feel like I can’t parent effectively because I couldn’t take part directly in pushing a baby out of an orifice,” I would have told him to get over it. Somehow many, many adopters manage to become great parents without having pushed out their kids, so maybe all these whining men need to take a cue from the adoption set.
having my husband there made him see the beauty of everything from start to finish (and we have only had baby via c-section. all 3). he is learning how to parent right along side of me. the hugest thing, i think, in ruining confidence of the dude is not letting him navigate his part of parenting and absorb his great ingenious parenting ideas that work along the way.
After our third baby, while still in delivery room, I asked (almost begged) my husb to say something nice to me about my achievement in having those babies. His reply? – “But having babies is a team effort.” No appreciation coming from this guy! He still thinks its harder for the guys to be there than for the women going through it. In hindsight I don’t think he deserved to be there at all. Lots of men are great & make a fabulous cheer squad & support for their partners, others obviously not so great. No single solution to this one I suspect!
It takes 2 to make a baby and it takes at least that many to raise one. I think it should be up to the dad if he wants to be there or not. With my first delivery my husband was wondering the halls with his mom when I started pushing and he was there to cut the cord with the second. He was just as involved with the care of the first as the second, and I would lots rather him be there when my boobs were huge and I was crying because our son wouldn’t latch on than watching me labor when he really didn’t want to be there.
Brilliant. Who should be in the labor room is such a personal decision but women and their partners need to feel empowered to make the choice about who’s going to be there. It’s not going to be right for all couples and if you’re straight that doesn’t mean your marriage sucks. Given the pressure on couples to act a specific way, opting out of the birth room the way things are now might mean your marriage is really great. I spoke to a number of women who felt like birth was a woman’s experience and the men didn’t need to be there. I also spoke to women who felt like being supported by their husbands at birth brought them closer together. The couple should get to choose without the external pressure or expectations and discussions like this – and your class– give them the space to do that!
I agree 100% with Robin Aronson’s comment above: couples choosing together what works best for them is great advice. I’m also a huge advocate of relationship-prep (not just baby-prep) for couples who are expecting because, I suspect, part of the alienation the research uncovered has to do with what is often an uncomfortable relationship transition from being a childless couple to one with a child, where a mom’s time and attention is now newborn-focused, while dad–without the intense physical transition most moms go through–has to make more “abstract” emotional, physical, practical, etc leaps into fatherhood. Spending time before babies are born prepping your relationship for change–without, of course, knowing EXACTLY how your relationship/lives are going to change–is well worth the effort, especially since relationship dissatisfaction decreases for most couples, while conflict increases in the first 1-3 yrs after our babies are born. If we learn some basic communication tools to decrease conflict, or avoid it; if we learn how to create a space–even a brief one–to talk about fears, about new roles, etc then BOTH moms’ and dad’s sense of alienation from themselves and each other can be lessened a great deal.
My husband helped with all three of our homebirths. Wouldn’t have it any other way!