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Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue: Public Enemy Number 1

By John Cave Osborne |

Irina Shayk is not pregnant.

Irina Shayk will grace the cover of the 2011 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. David Letterman revealed as much on his show last night. And in so doing, he also provided me with a very important reminder.

I’d better be on mailbox duty for the next little bit. Assuming, of course, that I don’t want my wife to suffer a DEFCON 1 meltdown right there in our driveway. For seeing the gorgeous model on the SI cover, looking all flawless while wearing next to nothing, will surely do just that. And the exotic-local backdrop will only add insult to injury.

Caroline has already begun discussing the advent of warmer weather. Sadly, it’s not been with a sense of yearning, but rather, with a sense of dread. For by that point, Caroline will be 7 months pregnant. She’s given away all of her maternity bathing suits because, well, she never expected to be pregnant again. And a recent and relatively fruitless trip to Atlanta to do some maternity shopping strongly suggests that Caroline is unable to find pregnancy-complimenting clothing as easily as she once did. I dare say this trend will bleed over to the bathing suit category as well.

Or so I surmised when Caroline recently said “You think that [the fruitless Atlanta shopping expedition] was bad, just wait til I try to find something to wear to Hilton Head.”

You see, we’re going to the beach not once, but twice while she’s pregnant. And the first time is right around the corner: toward the end of March for Spring Break. And while that trip will be a tough one when it comes to swimwear, it won’t even hold a candle to the trip we’ll likely take in June when she’ll be nearly 33 weeks or so.

And while I really do have confidence that Caroline will find a swimsuit she likes between now and our first trip, I’m even more confident of this:

Seeing Irina Shay in hers won’t help that process one single bit. So, I think it’d be best if I go ahead and classify the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue as the following: for my eyes only.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go check the mail real quick.

Image: Trace Contour’s Flickr photostream

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About John Cave Osborne


John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as Babble, TLC, YahooShine, and the Huffington Post. John went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months after marrying a single mom, then quickly conceived triplets. Since then, they have added one more to the mix, a little boy they named Grand Finale. Read bio and latest posts → Read John's latest posts →

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One thought on “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue: Public Enemy Number 1

  1. muskrat says:

    I was eager to get to work today to see if my issue was here yet. It wasn’t.

    And, since y’all neglected to call me when you were a few blocks from my office in Atlanta, I don’t feel bad for any misery you endured while shopping, buddy.

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