Stage two of the Five Stages of Grief is the hardest one for me to deal with and overcome and one I’ve been wanting to discuss for a while. It’s anger.
I’ve never seen myself as an angry person. It’s rare that I lose my temper or feel truly angry about something. Besides infertility, I can’t remember the last time I felt angry about anything else. I remember it being about 14 months into our journey when I first admitted to myself that I was angry. I kept it in. I was embarrassed. What good does anger do? None.
I finally admitted to my husband that I was experiencing anger and it helped to just say it out loud. Yes, I AM ANGRY. I realize it’s not helpful and that it’s not going to make the situation any better, but I am angry.
When something goes wrong, everyone automatically looks for something/someone to blame. With infertility, there is nothing/no one to blame but you try anyway. You want to direct your anger somewhere. You’re angry at your body because it seems that it’s betraying you after you’ve always tried to take good care of it. You’re angry at your spouse because you always seem to be at different points on the emotional scale. You’re angry at people that pregnancy comes so easily to. You’re angry at your doctor when the solutions fail. You’re angry at people who make insensitive remarks. You’re angry that you have no control over how many children you can have. You’re angry that it costs so much money. You’re angry at God for allowing this to happen (definitely the hardest one for me to admit). You’re angry because there is no answer to the question, “Why?”
One of my friends described the anger well when she admitted that when she was frustrated with infertility she would often feel the urge to shatter all the glass displays at the home store she worked at. I often feel the need to kick, punch or scream at something, most often my pillow.
It’s really hard for me to admit this. I don’t want to be angry and bitter but I’m struggling. Just when I think my feelings have passed, the cycle begins again. I’m wondering how you cope with anger?
image: Laney G
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