I have to keep telling myself this. And yet I still do it. I still check the toilet paper and then breathe a sigh of relief to see that I’m not spotting. Apparently I need the visual in order to truly believe it.
I know it’s crazy. But I can’t stop myself. However many umpteen times a day I am peeing, I am checking the toilet paper in fear of miscarrying again. It would be so nice if I could just trust my body. But my body has failed me before and I’m scared.
There. I said it. I’m scared.
And I’m not sure when or if this fear goes away. I have tried to stay as zen as possible since finding out that I am pregnant. I have consulted the 10 ways to deal with stress during pregnancy. Even my 3-year-old tells me to “take a deep breath, mom,” when I start to get panicky.
But I can’t seem to not check the toilet paper. Regardless of my physical symptoms, the nausea, exhaustion, the ache of my boobs… Regardless of the ultrasound I have had, and the reassuring flutter of the heartbeat that I have seen… Regardless of all that, I still check the toilet paper. And I’m not sure when that will go away.
I am grateful, SO GRATEFUL for this pregnancy. I am sick and aching and miserably bitchy. Yet each hormonal sign that I exemplify is confirmation that my body is doing what it should be doing in providing a house for this little babe. I want to trust my body again… but I can’t stop checking the friggin toilet paper.
Maybe I should just drip-dry for the next 7 months.
How do miscarriages affect expectant fathers?