Talking About Miscarriage
ceridwen
|
It’s estimated that as many as one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, and yet the topic of pregnancy loss is still largely kept underground in our culture. We’re advised to keep our early pregnancy secret in case we miscarry; right there we’ve been sent a message that were a miscarriage occur, we shouldn’t talk about it.
I can understand “not telling” from the point of view that most of us really don’t want to have to talk about loss and grief with the new IT guy in the lunch room at work. Deciding when and whom to tell is a very personal decision. And I don’t think we all can or should be in agreement about this. But there is consensus that talking about miscarriage is an enormously important part of working through the grief.
Yesterday I came across a post over at My Life… Unplugged, where a blogger who goes by Mckenna talks about this very issue:
“More and more women seem to be announcing their pregnancies a little earlier, or at least talking about their miscarriages. Which I personally think it such an important thing! TALKING about what you’re going through, whether with close friends, a support group, or even anyone who will listen, is SO healing. In general, there isn’t much anyone can say to make it easier.” She goes on to say that it took her months to reach some level of “normal” after her miscarriage. And that starting to try again brought up lots of sadness once more.
McKenna links to the website “Or so she says..” for advice about HOW TO COPE with miscarriage. The tips come from a doctor who miscarried at eight weeks and found that she had absolutely no idea how to cope. Her advice includes talking about it, finding help, crying, taking a break and giving your partner room to mourn the loss, too. But what I found perhaps most illuminating about her post, is what she has to say to friends or loved ones of those who have miscarried. Particularly her section on what not to say:
(These are things couples in her support group were told!)
“-Are you going to try again?
-It was just a miscarriage.
-Well, at least you weren’t that far along
-You can have another one.
-You lost it early so it’s not that big of deal.
-Now you have angel looking after you.
-Its for the best
-You’re young, you’ll get over it.
-It was God’s will.
-Or sharing any story about your friend’s cousin who had 9 miscarriages and ended up having a healthy pregnancy.”
Friends, loved ones, and perhaps that IT guy in the lunch room, doubtlessly mean well when they tell you it was meant to be, or God’s will. It’s amazing how incapable most of us are at talking about death and loss. Often people feel they have to explain it or fix it, rather than acknowledge the despair. My husband, who lost his mother fifteen years ago to a drawn-out battle with cancer, always reminds me: You don’t have to say anything except that you are sorry for their loss. Then you just listen.
photo: Carla Nicora/Flickr
I once mentioned a recent miscarriage to a doctor at a quick care clinic, because I wasn’t sure if it was pertinent to my care and would rather be safe than sorry… boy was I sorry. He told me god was “trying to tell me something,” because I wasn’t married.
My husband and I heard about a friend of a friend’s miscarriage right before we saw them at a BBQ. We are in our ninth month so there was a lot of pregnancy talk around us. I didn’t get a chance to talk with the mother since she avoided me quite obviously but my husband talked with the father. In typical guy fashion he just casually mentioned that it took us a couple of tries to get past the first trimester which I think the father appreciated hearing. I know when we miscarried, my sister-in-law said that she knew we weren’t trying that hard to get pregnant so it probably wasn’t as rough on us as it was on her when she miscarried. Not helpful.
Thanks you so much for writing this article and for sharing my and Vane’s thoughts!! I feel like I could go on and on and on about miscarriage, but really the jist is all there in that last sentence. Your husband is very right. Being sincerely sorry for their loss and simply LISTENING is the best response anyone can give. Again, thank you so much for talking about this and making other a little more aware and a little more sensitive.
I recently had a miscarriage and have heard every.single.one. of the things on this list! Add to it “Atleast you know now that you can get pregnant”. Yes, we can, thanks. People mean well, but they should talk less and listen more.
I’ve unfortunately had 7 miscarriages… with my ex-husband… and all I ever heard, was “it will happen when the time is right” or “maybe god is just testing you and he’ll give you children when you are ready”… which to me was BS because my brother got a 17 year old (who ruined his first marriage) pregnant, and my adorable nephew is just over 1 and a half, and she is pregnant AGAIN… I still have no children… but I have made sure for over 2 years that I don’t get pregnant because I don’t think I can deal with another loss.
Oh what I meant to say was… how is a 17 year old more ready than I am… I’m 8 years older than her and since my first m/c have very well educated myself on just about everything there is to know about pregnancy, and birth….
I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. it was the most traumatizing thing i could have ever gone through because it was a miracle i even conceived. as far as i knew i was completely infertile (and i am 23). i was sad, enraged, hurt. i felt like i failed my baby.
all anyone told me was “something was wrong with the baby”, “it was gods plan, it just wasn’t your time to be a mom”, “its fore the best”, “everything happens for a reason” “well, dont try for another right away, take time to heal”
all i wanted to do was punch them and cry more. they were the worst things anyone could say but after a while i am pretty sure there was nothing anyone could say other then “im so sorry for your loss” which was just as bad because it was another reminder that i failed as an expecting mother.
as much as i appreciated other women telling me their secret stories of miscarriages it was like they were all competing for who had it worse. as far as i am concerned, a miscarriage is a lost child, not matter how far along you were, not matter how old you were when it happened.
My boyfriend was worse off, he had a girlfriend once who was pregnant with his child who wanted nothing to do with him and got an abortion. he was amazingly excited when i told him he was gonna be a daddy. but when the bad news came, he was there for me, took care of me, but never spoke about how he felt.. he never talked about it. ever. he was so hurt by it that he didn’t want to try again for a while… he was the one who needed time.
i am lucky we pulled through stronger then we ever were, and we are still happily together.. which is probably the only positive thing that came from the whole ordeal.
now 6 months or more later when all of my friends pop up pregnant i am angry.. i keep asking “why her? and not me?” one of my friends was a drug user, drinker, she smoked pot every day and had a bum of a boyfriend, a college drop out.. i was pissed. WHY HER? and not me? my life is more together, my relationship is happier.
then i realized it wasn’t about who was pregnant, it was about whether i was pregnant. people get pregnant, have babies, have a life no matter who they are.. i was angry it wasn’t me. it had nothing to do with anyone but me, and i shouldn’t use that anger against my friends no matter how low their life is, how high it is, how old they are, if they are married or not.
no, it doesn’t make the anger go away. but it dose stop you from screaming at your friends.
i am still trying for my first successful child. its hard its very hard. i have had no luck in the past 7 years of unprotected sex. but thats counting ex boyfriends of past stress an instability, only a year give or take a few months has been with my wonderful “soulmate” but still, a 6 months to a year of trying, by western medicines definition is “infertile”.. 7 years with no woops! is heart breaking.
so my advice is there is always someone worse of then you. dont kick yourself so hard, dont believe in western medicine. as eastern medicine says “there is no such thing as infertility unless your reproductive organs are removed”.. you have to stabilize your life, reduce stress, eat healthy and exercise. haveing a woops! isnt as easy as they show in hollywood.