The 5 Different Types of Pregnant WomenJohn Cave Osborne
Pregnant women come in all different shapes and sizes. And they also come with different philosophies. I maybe wouldn’t have picked up on the different-philosophy bit were it not for all of the petty zingers y’all zip at one another.
Speaking of zingers, the one I just delivered in that last sentence felt pretty good. Yet, I digress. For I’m not here to deliver zingers. I’m here to discuss the 5 different types of pregnant women I’ve picked up on. Without further ado, here they are:
1. The Rookie: They’re easy to spot. Unless of course, they’ve retired to the bedroom out of fear that their recent sneezing attack has harmed their embryo. You know the type. They’re scared to even drive near a Starbucks given all the caffeine that might be lurking in the air. These women give any and everyone who fails to sufficiently acknowledge their pregnancy the stink eye. And their husbands? They’re off fist fighting that guy who was smoking in the parking lot. The rookie fails to understand two things: (1) reality and (2) the relative insignificance of her baby as it relates to the universe as a whole.
2. The Know-It-All: What a difference a babe makes. Because virtually overnight, the rookie often turns into the know-it-all. These are the women who believe that the mere fact that they’ve given birth (along with 4 million other American women each and every year) somehow qualifies them as birthing experts. They’ll not only gladly offer you advice, they’ll forcibly offer you advice. Most often when you’ve not actually requested any. Have fun with them at your baby shower, okay?
3. The Alternative: Some of the know-it-alls eventually gravitate toward all things alternative. To be clear, I’m not talking about the women who point out the shortcomings of the traditional hospital experience. And I’m not talking about the folks who are into home birth or hypnobirthing. Yet I am talking about the women who are self-righteous in making such choices. The ones who seem to think that childbirth is a contest and are, in fact, condescending toward women who prefer the conventional route. It’s not a crime if you don’t opt for a water birth in the Pacific Ocean while swimming alongside a school of dolphin, you know. And it’s okay if you don’t pick your produce out of your very own organic garden before transporting said produce to the kitchen in a sack that was hand woven by Tuscan virgins.
4. The Status Quo: If the alternative pregnant women are consumed by the righteousness of their pregnancy, then the staus-quo pregnant women never consider any path other than the one presented to them. Unlike the alternative folks who will go to virtually any length to create a path that never before existed, the status quo folks wouldn’t know a different option if it slapped them in the face. These are the types who, aside from passing up on roller-coaster rides and booze, go about their lives as previously scheduled. They don’t personalize their pregnancy by implementing anything they may have discovered on their own. For they don’t discover anything on their own. The status quo pregnant women simply wait to hear instruction from others.
5. Oh Yeah, I’m pregnant: This is the category in which my wife falls. She’s no rookie and she’s certainly not a know-it-all (she leaves that to me). She’s not one of these competitive childbirth types that the alternatives sometimes come off as, yet she also doesn’t sit around and wait for answers to simply fall in her lap, either. She’s somewhere in the middle mostly because she doesn’t have a ton of time to ponder and or overanalyze her pregnancy. Chasing three toddlers around while helping a 9-year-old with homework has a funny way of keeping her in the now. So much so that when people ask her if she’s excited, she’ll often pause for a second or two before she realizes what they’re talking about.
So there you have it. The 5 different types of pregnant women I’ve noticed. What types did I miss?