I feel like negative words have power, so I do hesitate to admit it, but it’s true. I’m shocked that I’m about to turn 30 weeks pregnant.
I gave birth to a baby too soon, a baby who had died, at almost 20 weeks last year. I never thought I’d have a baby again. The trauma from going through that loss completely changed me. I continue to learn this knew creature that I am. I continue to be amazed that life has gone on, for all of us.
And so the idea that I could get pregnant again and everything would be ok was just not a possibility. I never thought anything like that – anything that happy – could happen again. I never thought I’d be able to put aside my fears and step into boldness and do this again.
But my heart became ready. And in my spirit I knew it was time. And we grew another baby.
I spent all of the first trimester completely, paralyzingly terrified. I also spent it throwing up constantly. I was in a cave of fear and sick but I was grateful.
I spent the second trimester learning how to let go of the what if’s – to surrender and let joy and happiness in. To really take in what was happening.
I’ve felt this entire pregnancy as though everything is happening for the first time. As if I’ve forgotten things until they happened again. I forgot what it feels like when the belly stretches, I forgot what a heavy baby feels like resting inside me. I forgot what hiccups feel like inside my womb.
In remembering, in experiencing, I heal. And I look forward to each week, trying not to panic if it’s been an hour without movement or if I have a twinge of an ache somewhere new. Somewhere in my heart I know the worry won’t really go away until the day this baby is born. And somewhere in my heart I still wonder if that will actually happen.
For those of you who’ve experienced a loss – no matter how similar – how did you handle being pregnant again? Were you unable to be pregnant again? How did you handle the fear?