When faced with infertility, it can be difficult not to dwell, at least some time, on the fact that things may not be going as planned. I have been wanting another child for over a year and I knew that the decision to add a 4th child was not going to come without any hiccups or ups and downs. I was prepared for some waiting and I knew that I would have to release my need to control everything. This would be important when trying to conceive.
I knew waiting for my husband to be okay with the idea would take some time and I was prepared for it taking longer than I hoped. I was prepared for the struggle with the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, dealing with the what-ifs, the dangers of miscarriage, and all the anxiety. I realized that this was not going to be easy, but I also could no longer ignore that feeling deep inside that someone was missing.
I was not prepared for infertility and being stuck in this cruel waiting game.
I honestly had no idea that this time was going to be different. I have done this all before and thought I knew what to expect. I knew how to read basal body charts, what fertility signs to look for, and how to time things with my husband. I had all my medications at home waiting, doctors in line with our plan, and I thought this was going to take maybe 3 months… maximum.
Here I sit almost 11 months later, not yet pregnant, but still hopeful. I’ve now done 2 cycles of Clomid and remain optimistic that my body will get this all worked out soon.
I know that I sound like a downer. I believe that allowing myself some time to feel this frustrated and upset, to acknowledge my feelings, is healthy and can be just as important as focusing on the positive.
I have a doctor who is supportive. I have a husband who is supportive. I have all of you reading and cheering me on. I have a plan and three children who love me. I understand my journey so far has not been as hard or long as other couple’s struggles and I know that I will be okay if all of this doesn’t work out.
I just wish it was easier, for all of us.
Do you have anything to vent about when it comes to infertility? What has helped you stay positive?
photo credit: adapted from Benson Kua /Flickr