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The Cruel Waiting Game of Infertility

The Cruel Waiting Game of InfertilityWhen faced with infertility, it can be difficult not to dwell, at least some time, on the fact that things may not be going as planned. I have been wanting another child for over a year and I knew that the decision to add a 4th child was not going to come without any hiccups or ups and downs. I was prepared for some waiting and I knew that I would have to release my need to control everything. This would be important when trying to conceive.

I knew waiting for my husband to be okay with the idea would take some time and I was prepared for it taking longer than I hoped. I was prepared for the struggle with the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, dealing with the what-ifs, the dangers of miscarriage, and all the anxiety. I realized that this was not going to be easy, but I also could no longer ignore that feeling deep inside that someone was missing.

I was not prepared for infertility and being stuck in this cruel waiting game.

I honestly had no idea that this time was going to be different. I have done this all before and thought I knew what to expect. I knew how to read basal body charts, what fertility signs to look for, and how to time things with my husband. I had all my medications at home waiting, doctors in line with our plan, and I thought this was going to take maybe 3 months… maximum.

Here I sit almost 11 months later, not yet pregnant, but still hopeful. I’ve now done 2 cycles of Clomid and remain optimistic that my body will get this all worked out soon.

I know that I sound like a downer. I believe that allowing myself some time to feel this frustrated and upset, to acknowledge my feelings, is healthy and can be just as important as focusing on the positive.

I have a doctor who is supportive. I have a husband who is supportive. I have all of you reading and cheering me on. I have a plan and three children who love me. I understand my journey so far has not been as hard or long as other couple’s struggles and I know that I will be okay if all of this doesn’t work out.

I just wish it was easier, for all of us.

Do you have anything to vent about when it comes to infertility? What has helped you stay positive? 

photo credit: adapted from Benson Kua /Flickr

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