Hours after finding out we were expecting twins at my 9 week “let’s just get your dates straight” ultrasound, I wrote down exactly what happened. As fast as I could. I never hit edit or stopped to reread. I simply let it all out.
I am so, so glad I did.
I think there is a moment in almost all pregnancies where a woman wonders, “Could this be more than one?” From friends and relatives joking about it, to your own thoughts as you can’t fit into your pants/can’t stop throwing up/can’t eat/can’t stay awake – or all of that.
Whether you want multiples or not (some people always have, some people really don’t), I think it might always be a “what if?”
It crossed my mind. Many times. But I chalked it up to a second pregnancy, another round of hyperemesis gravidarum, and being over dramatic. So when that tech waved the wand from one side to the other and a second baby popped up, it was like my world exploded. I remember laying there and feeling as if I was above myself looking down. Time stopped.
The fear, anxiety, and guilt all came a few days later. Then continued on and off – and there are days I still have it. How this will affect my daughter and our relationship. My sleep. Our marriage. What on earth I’ll do if they are both crying/sick.
But what stuck the deepest was the pure bliss of those moments in that office where, for once in my life, I was completely worry free. Nothing crossed my mind but the wonder and awe of having two babies growing inside of me. Seeing them on that screen as I realized they were mine and I’d do absolutely anything to protect them.
There are times on my blog I wish I didn’t over share. I kept more to myself. That I bit my tongue or at the very least hit draft for a few hours.
But in that moment – I have never regretted writing every bit of it and hitting publish. I’ve reread it so many times these past weeks when the worry or feeling of being overwhelmed hits me. The emotion behind it takes me right back to that room with Sam and my daughter and the excited tech. It’s a memory that can’t ever be erased or changed now. It reminds me of why I write, and why I love it.
Why I blog and why I love it.
Now tell me – is there a moment on your blog that you never regretted sharing? That was so personal and intimate and you just threw that all to the wind for everyone to share in it with you?
Diana unleashes a bit of the crazy that is her life on the aptly named blog Hormonal Imbalances.