Truth is: a whole lot of nothing.
We’ve now tried three at-home inseminations with a known sperm donor. And nothing. When we first decided to switch it up and try something different (aka trying at home), we agreed that we’d give it three attempts and then my wife would try.
I was pregnant with our twins until the 17th week, and I miss being pregnant. I want to be pregnant. I’ve thought about going back to the fertility center, but that opens a whole new chapter — yet another chapter. And to be honest, this story is starting to get old. I’m tired of the failures, the emotional roller coasters, the feelings of a broken body. I’m tired of having nothing new to write about, and only being able to update more of the same: still at it, no pregnancy yet, nothing to see here, folks…
If Sara tries, that’s also a whole new chapter — but an actual new chapter and not just a quasi-repeat of the past. It’s the one thing we haven’t tried yet. I’ve been through IUIs, multiple rounds of IVF (both fresh and frozen), and home inseminations. One of the IVF cycles was successful (which actually makes all of this even harder: knowing that I can get pregnant but it’s just not happening). I’m feeling a bit tapped out. And in the meantime, our family isn’t complete yet. I have all this love to give, and nowhere for it to go.
It sounds painfully cliche, but I’m not getting any younger. And we wanted this years ago. Do we continue trying and trying and trying with me, or do we call it? Do we have Sara give it a go?
I hear women say it took them 3, 4, 5, even 8 years to get pregnant. My life feels like it’s partly on pause, just waiting for our child to come to us. How do I persevere for another few years? How do I know it’s not going to be the next try that works?
It’s a terrible emotional battle.
When to quit.
We don’t know what our next step on our road to motherhood will be. But we do know there is a next step.