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The Pain of Childbirth: It's All Eve's Fault

Thanks a lot, EVE!

Labor pains are inexplicable to one who has not experienced it. Your entire being feels as if it’s caving in on itself… or it feels like your body is about to crack wide open – and this comes from a woman who has never been dilated beyond a 4 without the aid of an epidural.

I am fascinated by but simply cannot fathom women who give birth naturally. They are unbelievable.

Epidural or no, I still spit out a fair amount of curse words during labor. I cursed God quite a bit. In an OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO DIE kind of way.

Turns out, I was cursing the right fellow. 

Bear with me… When you find yourself in the midst of labor, experiencing the most painful, bone crushing feelings you’ve ever had in your life, instead of cursing at your husband, you may want to curse out Eve – as in Adam and Eve. Or you can go ahead and curse God, like I did, because he’s the one that sentenced Eve to pain during childbirth. Of course, at the time I wasn’t aware he started the whole thing by sentencing Eve to childbirth pain, I just generally curse, but it’s nice to find out I was cursing the right person, you know?

Are you lost? Let me explain. God told Eve not to eat the apple, she did anyway, he sentenced her to pain during childbirth as punishment. I did not know this bit of biblical trivia, did you? I was reading a most excellent book, Get Me Out, by Randi Hutter Epstein, who explained it thusly:

Eve, the first woman to become pregnant, suffered from excruciating pain during the delivery because she cheated on her diet. God told her not to eat the apple, but she was tempted by the serpent’s claim that the forbidden fruit would endow her and Adam with worldly knowledge. In God’s fury, he transformed the serpent into a belly-crawling creature. Then he turned to Eve and said, “I greatly multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children.”

See? It’s all Eve’s fault. If she didn’t eat the apple we all would be enjoying natural, pain-free childbirths. I did a little more research (read: Googled for a little while) and found this website, creation.com that quotes from a book entitled Women, Creation and the Fall:

Dr Ronald Melzack, a leading expert in the field of pain, has recently completed research on the intensity of labor pain. He found that, on average, labor pain ranks among the severest. According to his study, it may be exceeded only by the suffering of some terminal cancer patients and often is worse than having a finger amputated without anaesthetic. It is difficult to imagine a relatively pain-free birth process; however, this is what the Creator had in mind prior to the Fall. Thus, the first part of the judgment on woman decreed physical and mental pain as well as emotional grief and turmoil in childbearing.

Now listen, I’m pretty much Atheist at this point and don’t really put much stock in scripture but I just thought I’d share this with you so you have someone to blame while in labor, even if only theoretically. Or, you know, if you’re religious, it ain’t just a theory, right? But blaming is important, because, as every woman who’s ever been in labor can tell you, it’s nice to have someone onto whom you can channel all your anger. So, like I said; blame Eve. Or God. Whichever you prefer.

Happy laboring!

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