I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks. Quiet reflection over my recent pregnancy loss and trying to get a grasp over the guilt.
It’s been hard but I have learned a lot — the reflection has been a good thing. Rationally I know that the guilt I feel is not necessary — it’s not purposeful. That doesn’t stop my heart from feeling what it is feeling — likely a lot of left over hormones floating around. The “postpartum” period so few talk about when miscarriage happens.
I do know more now that I don’t want to be done adding to our family — the tinges of uncertainty about that is gone but there are some things I would like to do before I get pregnant again:
Prenatal Vitamins and Aspirin: I have already started this one. A lot of the guilt I had from my recent miscarriage is centered around the fact that I was not taking my aspirin daily. I need to be on that while implantation occurs or the risk for miscarriage for me is high.
Up the Cardio; Increase the Burn: I just bought a membership to a nearby gym. I am not ‘trying to lose weight’ but I am hoping to increase my cardio output, tone things up and get into the best shape I can.
Organize the Chaos: I thrive on chaos — but I would like to get a handle on some of it right now. Having started a few freelance jobs, the older two kids in school, husband working some long hours — I would love to find a routine that works. I know there is room in our chaos for another child I would just prefer to work out a system better then what we have at this moment.
Smile, Camera, Action!: A bit of a different hope, but we have this awesome camera and I would love to be more skilled in using it. I imagine the amazingly cute pregnancy photos I could take of the bump, the delivery and the new baby. Makes me all swoony.
Balance Some Me Time: This fits somewhat into the organize the chaos section but it’s different in that I want to make sure we have carved out some time for me to take care of me. Pregnancy is very stressful for me — especially early on — and I feel if we had the stress and anxiety levels down just a bit it could make things easier when the time comes.
One major to-do that was on my list a few months ago was to see if I could figure out the baby fever. I was questioning whether it was a missing what I have lost thing or a real, true feeling that I want to expand our family. I can cross that one off my list because I have come to realize that my baby fever truly stems from a desire to expand our family — to have another child.
I am not sure what my husband’s list is right now — it’s a conversation we have to touch base on again in a few weeks. Thankfully we are both open to this discussion — I am grateful for the light still being on — the option there — even if the door’s not open yet. I admit I envy those couples who both feel strongly either one way or the other on family size and timing — I imagine it makes things so much simpler.
:: do you have baby fever? is your family complete? would love to hear from you! ::
photo credit: maya picture / FreeDigitalPhotos.net