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12 Things You Never, EVER Expect When You Are Expecting

I swear I’ve read, and written (!), a hundred of these “real deal” spiels about pregnancy and birth but this one over at Jezebel by Sarah Tuttle-Singer is definitely worth a gander. I’m tired this morning and weak in the brain, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of the funniest bullet point descriptions of pregnancy and birth I’ve read.

I’m not sure what I like best: the shout out to the orgasmic, pornographic second trimester dreams (Rebecca and I actually wrote about these in our book, but no one else talks about them and they are awesome!); or the unspoken rivalry between women who want to know the sex of their babies and the “idiots women who don’t;” or the fact that when you pass your mucous “plug,” it looks rather like a “giant loogie” came out of your vagina.

Here some highlights:

From the First Trimester:

  • Unless you’re upfront about being knocked up, people will assume you had a boob job.
  • Hormones are no joke, and should be a valid defense if you cut the bitch who took your parking space in front of Krispy Kreme.   (Wadup, Judge Feldman.)
  • There’s an unspoken rivalry between women who puke and bitches women who don’t.

From the Second Trimester

  • You’ll spend at least 20 minutes a day looking at your profile in any full-length reflective surface you can find.  You will celebrate when your belly”pops.”  But really, you still just look bloated.
  • The hormone defense should still hold water when your partner brings the wrong kind of ice cream home from the supermarket.  And you cut him or her.
  • You will have crazy-intense dreams.  And not flying-with-unicorns-over-rainbows-in-outerspace-dreams.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing.   In other words, you know how 14 year old boys have to change their sheets every morning?  Well, you will too. And you’ll love it.

From the Third Trimester

  • Cocoa Butter does not prevent stretchmarks.  Save your money.  Trust me.
  • Around this time, you’re going to start buying a ton of Mozart CDS and wooden toys made by magical elves in Scandanavia.  And you will judge the shit out of real parents.  You know, those with actual kids that are on the outside who blast Gangsta rap and let their babies play with matches plastic toys made in China.

From Birth

  • You will want to kill the Motherfucking piece of shit ratbastard asshole person who “did this to you.”
  • At some point, you will realize that you can do this.  And you will.
  • If you feel like you need to, well, um, have a long meeting in the bathroom with a newspaper (ahem), then it’s probably time to push.
  • The laws of Stockholm Syndrome dictate that you will fall in love with at least one person in the Labor and Delivery room.  And that person will not be your partner.

The post, written by Sarah Tuttle-Singer and titled, “What you NEVER, Not In A Millions Years, Expect When You’re Expecting” originally appeared on The Crazy Baby Mama. It was republished at Jezebel with permission.

photo: theloushe/flickr

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