As Mother’s Day approaches, I can’t help but think that this time next year – with a little help from science and a lot of prayers – my wife and I will be celebrating our first Mother’s Day together, which makes this Sunday our last as non-moms. So, being the overly emotional and insanely in-love being that I am, I wrote her this letter.
Others have expressed concern about the possibility that we are “jinxing” our potential pregnancy by talking about it, by publicly discussing our IVF process, by looking into name choices for a yet-to-be conceived baby. And I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times that I’ve worried, “What if we don’t get pregnant? What if we can’t get pregnant? What would we do with all this love then?” But I can’t let these concerns or self-doubt take away from what I feel in my heart to be true, and I don’t want to invest any negativity in our journey – for a lot of reasons, but mainly because there’s so much love in our hearts that there truly isn’t any room for the negative. The only way those doubts would fit is if we replaced the love with fear. And that’s not how we roll.
But truth be told, I’m terrified of this next year. More than I’ve ever been terrified of anything in my life. I’m afraid of so many things: pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood, being a wife and mother. What if I suck at it? All.
Anytime I start to doubt myself, though, or wonder if I can really handle all this, you’re right there, my ever-strong rock holding me up, with a heart that always seems to say, “We got this, babe.” There was a time I never could have imagined I’d become a mother, let alone be this close to making that a reality. Not only do my dreams come true with you, but you also have this way of extracting the best in me, of bringing forth a goodness I didn’t even know existed within me. Until you, I only ever heard others speak of it, but now I know what they meant: You make me want to be a better person.
It’s not some old cliche that goes against everything we believe as independent women. It’s our independence that allows us to believe in each other and drives us to want the best for each other. I think sometimes this amount of love we share could cure the world of all its ills. But I know that’s not its job. This love is meant for those we love and who love us, for the strangers who are welcomed to it and for those who wish to share it. And for the children we’ve yet to bring into this all-too-often crazy world. This love will spread as it should, and while it will likely never reach all the pockets of the earth, it will go where it is intended to go and live on to heal.
Next year, God and science willing, we will be mothers. We will celebrate the day together as parents and wives, and I feel doubly blessed to be able to share such a special day with the woman I love.
I know that, just like you push me to be a better person, you will be the strength behind me in motherhood.
Your wife and soon-to-be baby momma,
Read more of Aela’s writing at Two Moms Make A Right