My husband and I have worked for years on our communication skills because they are, um, sub-optimal. And honestly, they are so much better than they used to be. I am the queen of wanting to talk about everything right in the moment, and he is the king of let’s never talk and then after 6 months of not talking about serious stuff, I’ll tell you the 800 things that have been bothering me for the past 180 days. It isn’t always pretty.
But, as I wrote earlier this month, we’re trying to make an effort to be better because we know there is a big life change ahead.
It could be going better.
It seems that what we have here is a failure to communicate. I say one thing, and I am not one for mincing words, and he hears something completely different. It is as though we are speaking two different languages. And truly, I’m starting to think we might be. Obviously, I’m speaking sane English and he is hearing something completely different. There’s just no other possibility.
And before you think I’m ragging on my husband, please know that he is sitting next to me telling me what he hears when I say things. Hell, he suggested half of the things I’m about to tell you here. We are nothing if not great at making fun of ourselves. And for another fun take on this, my friend Meghan did a similar post on the she said/they heard moments with her kids, it’s definitely good for a laugh.
So without further ado, the top 10 best she said/he heard moments of pregnancy. So far …
Hunger 1 of 10She said: "I'm starving"
She meant: "I'm very hungry, can we please go eat soon?"
He heard: "I've been doing stuff for an hour without discussing my hunger, therefore, it is not urgent and my husband can spend the next hour messing around doing absolutely nothing important before suggesting a restaurant that is 14 blocks away."
The result: After the 4th day of this in a row, I cooked and ate him.
Hormones 2 of 10She said: "I'm not just saying this because I'm pregnant."
She meant: "I really feel this way, do not invalidate my feelings because my hormones are a mess."
He heard: "I am only saying this because I am pregnant and my hormones are a total mess. You should ignore everything I'm saying because I'm just going to change my mind in 11 seconds."
The result: I discover that often I am actually only saying it because I'm pregnant and my hormones are a mess. But I will never, ever admit this to him.
Bathroom Break 3 of 10She said: "I need to pee."
She meant: "There is a baby slamming his head into my bladder, and if I do not get to a bathroom soon, we will have a big public issue."
He heard: "I need to pee again. And even though I just peed 7 minutes ago, I will pee now and tell you I have to pee again in 16 seconds."
The result: He rolls his eyes, and we buy approximately 12 times as much toilet paper as we did before pregnancy.
Crazy 4 of 10She said: "I'm not being crazy."
She meant: "I read/heard/learned this from a reliable source, it must be true."
He heard: "I am being completely crazy. I did a Google search and found one terribly unreliable source to back up a story a friend told me on Skype."
The result: I prove my sanity with another Google search where I find at least TWO sources to back me up.
Bedtime 5 of 10She said: "I'm exhausted."
She meant: "I feel like I've been hit by a bus and want to sleep for 6 weeks."
He heard: "I am turning into your grandma, want to get in bed at 8pm and never want to have sex again."
The result: I turn into his grandma and go to bed at 8pm. That last part is dictated entirely by how much grief I get for wanting to go to bed early.
Cravings 6 of 10She said: "I could really go for some (name food craving here)."
She meant: "Currently (food craving) is the only thing that sounds remotely edible and non-gag worthy."
He heard: "I want you to go to the store and buy me this even though in 10 hours it's going to be inedible to me and I'm going to make you clean it out of the refrigerator when it starts to mold in a week."
The result: Pretty much exactly what he heard. Oops.
Do I look pregnant/fat? 7 of 10She said: "I think I actually look pregnant today."
She meant: "I finally look less like I've let myself go and more like a cute, round pregnant lady."
He heard: "I'm trapping my husband so that he has no idea whether or not looking pregnant is a good thing and no matter how he replies I'm going to be horribly offended and yell at him."
The result: He usually just mumbles incomprehensibly every time I make a comment about my appearance. It's probably for the best.
Worry Wart 8 of 10She said: "I'm worried."
She meant: "Something doesn't feel right, and it's scaring me."
He heard: "Even if my husband reassures me that everything is okay, I'm going to ignore him and continue to freak out until a friend or the internet tells me it's okay and then I will be relieved."
The result: I consult friends or the internet to confirm my husband's reassurance every time.
Boobs 9 of 10She said: "My boobs are really sore."
She meant: "My boobs are REALLY sore."
He heard: "My boobs are huge and I've found an excuse to not let you mess with them."
The result: Every time he pokes them, I kick him in the crotch. Fair is fair.
Breath 10 of 10She said: "Honey, can you please brush your teeth?"
She means: "My sense of smell is off the charts sensitive, and your breath could kill a village right now."
He heard: "Your breath is terrible, get away from me."
The result: I carry around mints now and take one for myself before offering him one to spare his feelings. Even though sometimes his breath could seriously kill a village of people.