My wife and I just returned from a wonderful and partially spontaneous week in California, during which we toured San Francisco, celebrated my brother’s wedding in San Jose, and took a last-minute jaunt to Santa Cruz to enjoy the sun, sand, and surf. While there, I couldn’t help but think about a piece of advice a coworker of mine gave me about becoming a parent: She told me to kiss spontaneity goodbye! The days of grabbing your bathing suit or hiking boots and not much else besides sunscreen and a sandwich will be long gone once a baby is in the picture. In fact, my wife and I used my coworker’s advice as a partial excuse to hit the beach the last two days we were in Cali. And what a great time we had in Santa Cruz! But it made coming home harder and the reality that we “officially” begin our baby-making journey tomorrow (because we have our first appointment at the fertility center) that much more, well, real.
I sit home tonight scared. Excited, too. But mostly scared. I have no idea where this journey will take us. Naturally, I hope it makes mothers out of my wife and me. But who knows? Not only have Sara and I decided to begin what promises to be a lengthy process filled with a myriad of emotions, but — gulp — we decided to share the details with YOU! What were we thinking?
When I told my family and friends that Sara and I would be sharing our journey to motherhood via my blog and at Babble, we received an outpouring of love and support, and have been truly overwhelmed by it all. But now, I sit here thinking of something I’ve often heard in regard to (what’s always been) my loud mouth: Is nothing sacred, Aela?
What if something goes wrong? What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I miscarry? What if we don’t agree on a donor? What if Sara likes one fertility center and I like the other one? What sort of toll is this going to take on our relationship? Will the fertility hormones make me a raving lunatic? Are we sure I should be the one to carry first? Or at all? Holy heck: ARE WE EVEN READY TO BE MOTHERS??
I’ve made public this journey. As a writer (and wife, and friend, and daughter, and sister, and cousin, and niece), I have an obligation to the truth, which means I’ll be putting it all out there. But as a woman who has no idea what our official first step on this journey will bring, I’m suddenly scared. Of it all.
Read more of Aela’s writing at Two Moms Make A Right