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'Twas the Night Before the Fertility Center…

By Aela Mass |

My wife and I just returned from a wonderful and partially spontaneous week in California, during which we toured San Francisco, celebrated my brother’s wedding in San Jose, and took a last-minute jaunt to Santa Cruz to enjoy the sun, sand, and surf. While there, I couldn’t help but think about a piece of advice a coworker of mine gave me about becoming a parent: She told me to kiss spontaneity goodbye! The days of grabbing your bathing suit or hiking boots and not much else besides sunscreen and a sandwich will be long gone once a baby is in the picture. In fact, my wife and I used my coworker’s advice as a partial excuse to hit the beach the last two days we were in Cali. And what a great time we had in Santa Cruz! But it made coming home harder and the reality that we “officially” begin our baby-making journey tomorrow (because we have our first appointment at the fertility center) that much more, well, real.

I sit home tonight scared. Excited, too. But mostly scared. I have no idea where this journey will take us. Naturally, I hope it makes mothers out of my wife and me. But who knows? Not only have Sara and I decided to begin what promises to be a lengthy process filled with a myriad of emotions, but — gulp — we decided to share the details with YOU! What were we thinking?

When I told my family and friends that Sara and I would be sharing our journey to motherhood via my blog and at Babble, we received an outpouring of love and support, and have been truly overwhelmed by it all. But now, I sit here thinking of something I’ve often heard in regard to (what’s always been) my loud mouth: Is nothing sacred, Aela?

What if something goes wrong? What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I miscarry? What if we don’t agree on a donor? What if Sara likes one fertility center and I like the other one? What sort of toll is this going to take on our relationship? Will the fertility hormones make me a raving lunatic? Are we sure I should be the one to carry first? Or at all? Holy heck: ARE WE EVEN READY TO BE MOTHERS??

I’ve made public this journey. As a writer (and wife, and friend, and daughter, and sister, and cousin, and niece), I have an obligation to the truth, which means I’ll be putting it all out there. But as a woman who has no idea what our official first step on this journey will bring, I’m suddenly scared. Of it all.

Read more of Aela’s writing at Two Moms Make A Right

And don’t miss a post! Follow Aela’s Baby-blog Board on Pinterest! And follow Aela on Twitter

More of Aela on Babble!
Let’s Go Shopping For Sperm! Day 1 at the Fertility Center

Lyme Disease and Pregnancy: Tidbits to Know If You Get Bit by a Tick

More on Babble

About Aela Mass

aelahmass

Aela Mass

Aela Mass is a lesbian writer and editor living the dream on Martha's Vineyard with her wife, Sara, and their dog, Darla. She miscarried her twins at 17 weeks and has undergone numerous IVF, FET, and IUI cycles. Her writing has appeared in The Huffington Post among other publications. For more of her work, visit her blog Two Moms Make a Right. Read bio and latest posts → Read Aela's latest posts →

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6 thoughts on “'Twas the Night Before the Fertility Center…

  1. Phyllis says:

    You will get through all the ups & downs with the amazing support system you have built: Sara, your family, your friends (of which I am honored to be among them), your co-workers & now your blog followers/fans!!

  2. Briana says:

    I don’t think anyone ever feels 100% ready to
    Be a parent. Sometimes you just have to make the leap. And yes, spontaneity becomes impossible but, as cliched as it sounds, nothing else matters when you look into the face of your little one. :)

  3. Donna Lent says:

    Wishing you and Sara all the best!

    Love ya, Lady D

  4. bklyn_twins says:

    For my partner and I, it took more than 5 years, and everything you could imagine went “wrong”. We almost gave up several times, and it was an incredibly difficult roller coaster, emotionally and financially. And then…it all went away when I gave birth to our twins. Totally worth it. It takes a huge toll on your relationship, on your emotions and on your sleep…and it’s completely, absolutely worth it! Good luck :)

  5. Onze says:

    I agree with Briana- I dont think anyone is ever really sure they’re totally ready when they decide to become a mom! My entire life I only ever wanted to have children- no career, just babies!! Then my first was born I clearly remember feeling “what have we done?? I can’t do this!” It was scary but so amazing. I’m currently prego wih our fourth and even this time, when those two pink lines showed up after almost a year of trying I thought “uh oh- can I really handle four?!” So your worries – at least about being ready and capable- will fade when you meet that little person you created! Good luck!!

  6. aelahmass says:

    One of the things that helps — even this early in the game — is knowing so many others have gone through the same-ish situations and have made it through! Thanks for the encouragement, all :)

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