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Went To The Doctor And The Doctor Said…

I’ll tell you what he said in second.  But first, I have a secret I am feeling compelled to share.  I have this fear, this very specific fear every time I go to the OB-GYN.

Sticking metal things that sometimes look uncomfortably like metal cake frosters  inside me?  Nope.

Being told I have suspicious looking lumps in my uterus?  Nope.

My big gynecological fear is that I will have toiletpaper chunks clinging to my Lady Business.

Especially now that I can barely wipe myself.

Don’t tell me it’s never happened to you.  You avail yourself of the facilities, wipe and move on.  Hours later you’re, oh, say showering, or maybe you’re just wiping again and you discover a little toiletpaper dingleberry, for lack of a better word.  So yes, my fear is that I will be riding the stirrups while doc inspects the equipment and all the while I’ve got little toiletpaper dingleberries clinging to my Business.

So there’s that.  Am I insane?

Perhaps.  Perhaps.   My theory is that my great-grandmother was 100% batshit crazy.  She really was.  Grandma was a good 75%.  Mom is half nuts, and please, don’t make me whip out examples because I totally can.  I don’t think Mom would appreciate that though.  Me?  I’m a quarter nuts, as I’m sure you’ve already discovered.  But the good news?  Following this theory my daughter, Violet, is totally in the clear!

Moving on.

The cervix, it is dilating!  It’s at a two.  And about 60% effaced.  I believe the doc’s official pronouncement was “Your cervix is super squishy!”

I know.  That could mean nothing.  I could linger at a two until a good week after my due date.  But still!  Things are happening, people, and the doc did say that going over my due date wasn’t likely.  We also discussed my birth plan.

“Get my baby out and try to keep my vagina from tearing, wouldja? And epidural? Yes, please.”

He likes me.  My doctor really likes me.  He even said so.  Told Serge to “hang onto this one, she’s a  hoot.”  Serge, of course, nodded skeptically and then rolled his eyes at me when doc wasn’t looking.

Anyway.  For you!  KID B’s heartbeat. I know! It’s like Christmas! Also. A good long look at those stretch marks I was talking about, although I did manage to stare at the wall for the duration of the video to avoid Serge’s sweet camera angle that would likely highlight my triple chin.

Photo Credit: PeterDazely/TheImageBank/GettyImages

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