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8 Things I Want Every Miscarriage Survivor to Know

By Devan McGuinness |

I have had an incredibly difficult week and as I write this, through tears, today isn’t much easier on me. I don’t have the energy at this time to write too much about it, but my husband and I are going through another miscarriage at the moment. It breaks my heart to write that again — it’s even harder for me to share this again. Sharing on a large platform always, and still, makes me nervous when it comes to this ‘taboo’ subject. There is always a portion of people who comment, tweet or private message me telling me to stop talking about it, who don’t understand that I am grieving or tell me to stop trying for another child. Those hurt, but the ones who feel like they CAN’T talk hurt even more, so I will keep sharing — the good, the funny & the ugly.

This post is for anyone who has been through a miscarriage, who will go through a miscarriage or has a friend or family member in this situation. There is still this idea in many communities that speaking on perinatal loss is not something to talk about. This leaves many survivors (yes, survivors) feeling alone, isolated and that can amplify grief and potentially turn into clinical depression. So, for anyone in this situation as I am in right now — losing a baby, a dream and the chance to see that child grow up — there are 8 things I want to say to you — that I want to you take in and hear.

Click through for 8 important things I want every miscarriage survivor to know:

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Kind Advice for Miscarriage Survivors

It's Okay to Grieve

Grief is defined as an emotional reaction to a significant loss. Miscarriage is a significant loss and grief is a healthy process, a very unique and individualized process. There is no one 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it.
For more info on grief after miscarriage - read: What is Grief
Photo Credit: modified from flickr

For more information and support for miscarriage, visit UnspokenGrief.com

Read more from Devan on Accustomed ChaosUnspoken Grief
Follow Devan on Facebook and Twitter for all updates!
Want more? Find me on Babble Kids!

MORE ON BABBLE

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Mothers Share: What I Wish I Knew Before Our Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Neonatal Loss
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Photo credit: modified from flickr

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About Devan McGuinness

devanmcguinness

Devan McGuinness

Devan McGuinness is the writer of the lifestyle blog Accustomed Chaos. After surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan founded Unspoken Grief, a resource and support site for perinatal and neonatal loss. Read bio and latest posts → Read Devan's latest posts →

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41 thoughts on “8 Things I Want Every Miscarriage Survivor to Know

  1. Drew says:

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I would also add to this that there is a large online community (Adoption, Infertility, Loss) that is there to support you if and when you want or need it. Stirrup Queens hosts a large blogroll of ALI blogs at http://www.stirrup-queens.com

  2. Rachel says:

    My thoughts are with you. I went through this almost two years ago and it still makes me cry sometimes.

  3. mrs.d says:

    I’m sooo sorry Devan, for you and your family. I suffered a loss at 5 weeks pregnant two years ago and I always think about that baby who would have been my first.

    1. Christina says:

      Wow I never knew all these people existed!! I had a miscarriage when I was 12weeks pregnant I was supposed to be due in August 16. About a month after my miscarriage my younger sister told me she was pregnant and that she was due August 18th!! I was so happy for her, I truly was!!! But when she told me her due date it was like someone sucked all the air out of the room!! Now my gorgeous nephew is about 7 months old. Every now n again I wonder what would have been, I look at my nephew n think he should have another cousin days part from him. It’s hard and at the time u really feel alone. What did help me was that I have two beautiful daughters that now are 2 and5 years old.

  4. bwsf says:

    Beautiful. Thank you.

  5. Kristin says:

    Oh Devan. I’m so sorry. Big hugs to you.

  6. StrawBerry says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the past ones. I wanted to thank you for sharing your stories with us and being one of the brave few to find a way to stand up for those of us that want to talk about our babies but can’t find anyone to listen. There will always be people that will not understand how lucky they are to not have to go through it, and I’m so sorry for those it takes it happening to them to even start to understand. I hope you keep writing, I find comfort in reading it, and you seem to have a way to put my thoughts into words better than I can. Thank you!

  7. Stella says:

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you, I am very sorry to read about your loss. Words won’t suffice or make it better immediately but I hope that you will soon find peace in your heart again.

  8. Kristi says:

    Devan, I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who has also gone through this three times I was shocked by your statement that people ask you not to talk about the lost babies. I remember the first time that it happened I didn’t want to talk about it because it was difficult, but I am thankful that when I did open up that no one asked me to keep it to myself. Thank you for being a warrior and choosing to put this out there and to educate the ignorant!

  9. Rebecca Yates says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I hate knowing there are people telling you not to talk about this!? Talking is good, so don’t stop, especially if it helps you.

    I lost my Pinut at just 4+5 weeks in Nov 2010 and it still hurts now.

  10. Athena says:

    Hugs

  11. Chloe says:

    I feel for you. When I had my miscarriage, people either got super uncomfortable and avoided the topic, which made me feel even more alone, or they said totally retarded things. The two worst things people said to me were
    “It’s a blessing in disguise, because God made you have a miscarriage so that you could provide Him with another angel.” (That one made me SO ANGRY.)”
    and then the blindingly ignorant:
    “You caused it by wearing high heels. Now you know not to wear them next time.”

    It’s good to know that there are other people out there who actually see this as a legitimate loss and don’t try to cliche it away.

  12. Brooke Socia says:

    Just stand strong. I have been through this only once. I lost mine at 7 weeks. But time lets it get better. Im carrying my second one now, and im 18 weeks & going strong, There is always hope. It didnt stop me, and it shouldnt stop you.

  13. Hello Ladies says:

    I am sorry for your loss.

  14. Suzanne Tucker says:

    I am so sorry. These words feel inadequate but they come with a heart full of understanding and love… thank you for sharing your life in this way with us. Like you say, I also believe our miscarriages matter. Yours. Mine. All of ours. They are part of our life experiences. There is power there for us in the sharing. Don’t ever let yourself be silenced by those for whom this is uncomfortable. http://mymommymanual.com/miscarriage-matters/
    Sending you love and light. Be good to yourself.

  15. Chicmom says:

    So sorry for your loss. I went through this three times and know how horrible it is. May you find some comfort during this time.

  16. Janice says:

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages and eventually had three living kids, not without problems with my pregnancies and deliveries though. After my second miscarriage, my mother in law was talking to someone and explained she was upset because we had a death in the family. I think I loved her more than ever in that moment. She “Got it.” Thoughts and prayers….

  17. Stephanie says:

    I have had 3 I know how it feels tobe were you are.I am so sorry some of us have to go thur this.I was told I could never have children but I proved them wrong.I now have three children my daughter,and twin boys.So dont give up because if its ment to be it will happen.

  18. leila says:

    i know how you feel! last year i had a miscarriage when i was 4 weeks pregnant! it was horrible… i cried so much and always thought it was my fault! I always think that if I had not suffered a miscarriage, today he or she would be here with me! today im 37 weeks pregnant but i always think about the other baby who sadly did not come to know.

  19. Wendy says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too have had miscarriages. Two, the first with twins and the second a single. I feel your pain and LOVE that you have the courage to speak about it in such a public forum. Stay strong and keep trying if you have it in you. It’s hard I know but sometimes miracles happen as they did for us. We have a wonderful 9 mos old son. It took God 7 years to send him to us but he was so worth all the pain we endured during that time. My prayers are with you and sending lots of virtual hugs your way.

  20. Bonnie says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Truely I am. I lost a child a little over a year ago and even though I have been blessed with another child since then, it still makes me sad. My heart aches when I think of all the things I will not be able to do with that child. But I know I have been blessed with the children I do have and that I will meet that lost one someday and that the reunion will be so sweet. Keep your head up and NEVER stop trying. Even if it seems impossible. Good luck to you. :)

  21. Jen Tate says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I know what you are going through first hand. My husband and myself have been through this six times……..never once were we able to even hear a heartbeat. And yes, I blamed myself so much. I am a woman!! This is my job!! Why do some people make it look so simple. Hey guess what????I’M PREGNANT!! POOF, HERE’S A BABY!” Finally we were able to conceive and have a viable pregnancy. Grantid I had to give myself shots of lovenox, I have a blood clotting disorder that was causing me to miscarry. but the first time we heard that heartbeat I have never ever heard anything like it. Now even though I was able to go almost full term(little squirt was 7 weeks early) I am terrified to try again. The days of checking my panties for blood and feeling every little twinge my body would make are not something I am sure I could go through again. Luckily I was able to listen to the heartbeat as much as I wanted with our at home heart monitor. (I came a little obsessed with it) but I will never forget the pain of the loss we have suffered and I will never ever take for grantid my little miracle that is currently climbing on me like a little monkey. One of the most important things I learned from my experiences was WHAT NOT TO SAY to someone who has suffered from a miscarriage. I am so feeling your pain right now, I feel it in my heart what you are going through and I AM SO SORRY. SO SO SO SO SORRY. truly, I wish you and your husband the best in your quest to make it all the way.

  22. Amesha says:

    I feel your pain. I have had 10 miscarriages and one child who lived only 3 hours after birth. I don’t often tell people about any of my fertility issues. I have 2 sons now and my tubes are tied. It kills me that I cant have anymore children. I want more children. It absolutely kills me. And everyone tells me like you that I just need to forget about it. I hate it when people take away my right to grieve. I grieve with you. My thoughts go with you. Cry, scream, and eat some icecream while crying again. My heart truely goes out to you.

  23. Lucie Perry says:

    Thankyou – and I’m so sorry for YOUR loss too xxxx

  24. Jennifer says:

    Thank you so much for posting this. As of yesterday afternoon my husband and I are also going through our second miscarriage. its horrifying and as much as i thought it would be easier it is much harder. i even woke up in the middle of the night last night crying. i can’t shake this feeling of sadness. i am devistated and not having any control is making things work. my high risk ob who is the one who did my ultra sound yesterday adfvised me to get tested – i unfortunatly have had to abortions in the past and have never regretted them as much as i do now. every day that regret gets bigger and bigger and i can’t forgive my self for it. and unfortuanlty the second abortion i had did not go well it was horrible and the doctor was abrupt and rude and forceful and now my doctor and my self fear he did screw up like i have always thought he did. its extremely devistating to think something could be wrong with me and that i may not be able to carry a baby longer then 6 weeks – they both died at 6.5 weeks. i thank you for sharing your story it does make it easier knowing there are others struggling with how they deal with this sad and devistating time. i just wish my doctors office was as supportive i had woken up knowing something was wrong and called my doctor to get an ultra sound and they never called me back until i started bleeding 6 hours later and called them back. they tried to tell me i was probably sick or it was from having sex or something stupid like that but i new my body i new the facts and i new how it happened the time before and i new they were wrong and once again they were wrong. always trust your body if something doesn’t feel right follow your gut mandate your doctor sees you they may think your crazy but in the end its your body and yourr in charge. i just pray after all the testing there going to do to me that they find a reason as to why i can’ have a baby past 6 weeks and hopefully can fix it so that i can

  25. Amanda says:

    THANK YOU for writing this. I went through this once two and a half years ago, and it was the most horrible experience of my life. We now have a beautiful daughter, but the pain of that loss will never go away. You and your family are in my prayers. Hold on and KEEP TALKING about it whenever you need to. *hugs*

  26. Karen says:

    I had ppl tell me to quit talking about it, get over it, move on….horrible, it made things worse, i couldve recovered alot sooner had i.not had neg.ppl impacting me…all i needed was time…instead theres now uncomfortable relationships and now working on mending my.marriage..i lost five, last one.in 2008being not just a.misc. But ectopic

  27. chelsea says:

    Beautiful article. My first pregnancy miscarried at 10 weeks, and it was a horrible experience. We did go on to have two successful pregnancies (both boys, now 6 years 3 years). I often think about our first baby, and what could have been. I would never wish for someone to go through that, but honestly, I think that loss made me appreciate how fragile life is, and how precious children are. For those of you going through this now, my heart goes out to you and I would like to add..it will get better, but give yourself time.

  28. Robyn says:

    Thank you for posting this. I had my forts miscarriage on February 24th. This was an unplanned pregnancy, we have 2 other children, but I became excited with the idea of a 3rd, my husband scared. I was 5 1/2 weeks along, the doctor called it a chemical pregnancy. Such an insensitive term. I am grieving this loss my husband doesn’t understand. He told me the other day he wants a vasectomy now….making me feel as if I am starting the grieving process over again. Grieving for the loss of my 3rrd baby, and now, grieving for the potential to have anymore. I am truly sorry for your loss. It is an indescribable pain you can only know if you experience it.

  29. MOMOF4 says:

    Thank you so much for this beautiful post and I’m so very sorry for your losses. Having been through 2 miscarriages myself, I can relate so much to your feelings and also want you to know that you are not alone. While I’ve been fortunate to have another child and now have one on the way, I will never forget the two angels I never got to meet. Women should not be afraid to speak of their grief. And, with all of the attacks on women’s reproductive issues lately, I think it’s especially important that those who have experienced such a loss feel cradled and not ostracized for loving their unborn babies. And, there should be more done to support those of us who have experienced this great loss. Thank you again and I’m so very sorry.

  30. Nicky says:

    Very sorry for your loss. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage just a week before our wedding. We are very lucky to now have two wonderful sons, both of which were very difficult pregnancies. I’m sure tons of people have told you stories about how they have made it through to them have children, but I’ll add mine. A good friend of mine suffered miscarriages in the double digits. She was told she would never be able to have children. She now has a beautiful daughter. It is a hard thing to go through, and it is sad that people treat it like it’s nothing and shouldn’t be talked about.
    I’ll leave you with the words that comforted me, from my 7 year old niece: “You’ll be able to tell your future children that they have a brother or sister watching over them from heaven.”

  31. Lindsey I says:

    First off, I’m sorry for you loss. Second, I’m so glad you posted this. I wish there was someone to tell me these things after my second miscarriage. My first miscarriage was hard but they were never able to find a heartbeat. My second miscarriage happened at the beginning of the 2nd trimester and I was devastated. I cried for days and I had no support. My husband never felt like the baby was ‘real’ and never became attached to the thought because I was having a lot of complications. It took me weeks to come to terms that I was no longer pregnant and I cried every month when my period would come. We finally got pregnant again and again had a lot if complications but she stuck. So, we now have a beautiful, healthy 5 month old. It breaks my heart when I hear about another woman having to go through that loss. So many people seem to not want to talk about miscarriages and don’t always want to consider it a real loss… But those are the people that have never had to struggle through one. Thank you and I’m sorry again for your loss.

  32. Diana says:

    I can relate. I have three healthy kids and we are trying for our fourth. All of my pregnancies have been healthy and so I felt our fourth was as well. We lost that baby at four weeks, last October. Luckily we were able to conceive again, but we lost that one as well last Friday, the ninth. We were at seven weeks this time. I’m sorry for your loss. One of my good friends posted a link to this article on Facebook and I’m glad she did. She hoped it would bring me some comfort and it has. Thank you. I hope we are able to bring you a small bit of comfort as well.

  33. Ali says:

    So sorry Devan. Thank you for being so honest and supportive of others even while you go through your own personal hell. Your community has helped me greatly – stay strong, you are changing the world one person at a time <3 http://www.lifeunderthestars.com

  34. Elizabeth says:

    I can only imagine the pain and suffering you and your husband must go through during a miscarriage. Never stop believing in yourselves. When it’s meant to be, it will. I’m not necessarily religious and I hope I don’t offend you, but God has a greater plan for your child. Apparently you and your husband are making them too good that God can’t fathom losing them. Never stop trying. Stay strong!

  35. mrswolfs says:

    My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks, afterwards I heard all the wrong things from people but I managed to get through it. Now my two girls when asked how many siblings they have always include their “brother” in heaven. I never knew the sex since it was so early but was always convinced it was a boy. The girls take comfort in the fact that they have a big brother always watching out for them even if they never knew him.

  36. Kerrie says:

    I suffered a miscarriage 3 years ago at just shy of 8 weeks pregnancy. It was the worst grief I have ever felt. I still think about what could have been. I am remarried and this would have been my husbands first child, my 3rd. I am now almost 43 and am fairly convinced I cannot get pregnant. It pains me to know I was not able to give my husband a child. Although I have no idea if it was a boy or a girl, my husband was convinced it was a girl. I gave her a name. It helps to talk about her. To remember. That is one thing I never want to do, is forget. She was real and she was mine and I miss her everyday

  37. Brittany says:

    I recently had my second miscarriage in less than four months. It’s hard not to feel alone, that nobody truly understands the loss and sadness I feel. While I sit here and cry as I read your stories, I am grateful for your honesty and understanding of my grief.

  38. how to garnish a turkey says:

    It’s the second time when i’ve seen your site. I can gather a lot of hard work has gone in to it. It’s actually wonderful.

  39. Kyla says:

    Thank you for being open and talking about your experience. I’m sorry for your loss. We just lost our 2nd pregnancy in a row. We had just told everyone as we were nearing the end of the first trimester. I’m trying to read anything I can to get some sort of understanding, no luck so far.

  40. lilly says:

    We just went or are going through. this terrible horrible experience that I don’t wish anyone to go through this. I went in To my regular check up at 16 weeks expecting to find out if im having another boy or girl, but when doctor went to check heartbeat no heartbeat and baby was not moving on ultrasound. Ordered me to go to hospital to get better ultrasound, came back to doctors next day and told , the terrible news. My baby had died 2 weeks earlier. Had to go in the following day with my husband to have our baby that had passed away. it was the sad feeling knowing we were going to the hospital and knowing that we were going to be leaving empty handed without our baby. We were having a boy, just what our son wanted. He wanted a brother to play with. It was the hardest thing we have ever told our kids that their baby brother was in heaven. Our. Girls ages 11, 9, and son 7. We were grateful for the priest coming and baptising and we got to name our baby. And he bless us as well. Our baby named Angel. Its hard when people say at least you have your kids as if our baby didn’t matter. We got to bury our baby its been 1 week since I had my precious Angel. We got to hold him and stay with him for a couple of hours.
    It helps to talk and cry whenever .but most of the time I just feel numb.
    Thank you letting me express my feelings.

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