When I started down this road to become a mother two and a half years ago, I honestly thought it’d be a simple thing. Add some sperm to my eggs, and knock me up. Sure, that was how it worked initially when I became pregnant with twins. But I lost that pregnancy when my water broke at 17 weeks, and I’ve been trying to get pregnant ever since.
It’s hard to feel good about all that’s happened and what continues to (not) happen. This infertility gig wears on you. Tears you down. Breaks your heart.
I dream — literally, dream — of becoming a mother. I wake from my dreams with a re-broken heart. In addition, it seems everyone I know is announcing their pregnancies. That shouldn’t have anything to do with my own story (and it really doesn’t) but it’s a constant reminder of what my body seems incapable of doing.
I know, somehow, someway, I will be a mom. I’m 100% uncertain of how at this point in the journey, but I know it will happen. And it will be magical. I don’t mean magical in the sense that everything about motherhood is going to be roses for me. I’m not an idiot.
I mean magical in the sense of being part of something so big, so wished-for, that there will be so much joy. Having fought so hard for this, having been through an awful loss, having wished and dreamed for motherhood, I think I’ll be a better parent for it. Not a better parent than YOU, but a better parent than I would have been if this hadn’t been my story.
If my story had been different, I wouldn’t have learned these life lessons while struggling to become a mother. So here’s what trying to get pregnant has taught me:
Historically, this is not a virtue I possess — but it sure is one that I’ve learned over the past 2+ years. (And I hear patience is a pretty good quality to have with kids.)
My life plan was all set. I knew I’d have a family with my spouse, and, by God, that was it. Except it wasn’t it. Fertility plans change, and then change again. Treatments you never even considered suddenly become the best option. Ya gotta just roll with it.
I am one tough cookie. Wow, I can handle a lot of really difficult crap. I wish I didn’t have to, but now I know I can.
People are amazing. My faith in humanity is generally “meh.” There are so many wretched things going on in the world every day, and it’s hard not to focus on the ugly. But let me tell you, people are amazing. I’ve experienced more kind words and encouraging thoughts during this journey than I ever knew existed in the world.
My wife is my rock. I never thought this would be my story. I never thought I’d face these challenges or that it would be this hard. But through it all, my wife has been there for me, steady as a rock.