While I’m at a temporary standstill on my journey to motherhood until we figure out what’s going on with my uterus, the pause has given me time to think about how my next pregnancy is going to be different because of the 2nd-trimester loss of my twins.
Mostly, I’m scared. I had made it almost halfway through my pregnancy, and hadn’t had one single issue, complication, or red flag the entire 17 weeks. In fact, my pregnancy couldn’t have been more picture perfect. Until that awful night when my water broke and my twins died.
My pregnancy went from Perfect to Worst Thing Ever in under 24 hours. I went from learning the sexes of our twins at noon on Friday to their death 21 hours after my water broke on Saturday.
That sort of thing messes you up a bit. I mean, I’m okay. I’m going about my daily life. I’ve been able to manage my depression with the help of a bereavement group. And I have the greatest support system anyone could ever hope for – one that all women who experience such a tragedy should have.
I’ve come to terms — or at least as close to terms as I possibly could — with what happened. My babies are gone. Done. Nothing can change that.
But looking forward, I have a harder time accepting how my miscarriage will change things. I had surprised myself by how little stress and anxiety surrounded my last pregnancy. In fact, I had never felt or been so relaxed in all my life. With my next pregnancy, though, I can’t imagine not being a Nervous Nelly the entire time.
However, the effects of my miscarriage don’t just begin and end with my emotional state. There will be real and actual differences with my next pregnancy that will only exist because of the loss of my previous pregnancy.
Read more of Aela’s writing at Two Moms Make A Right.