I get impatient for the quick “high” (for lack of a better word) that pregnancy brings. That sudden, “A baby! 8 (or something) months to go!”
There isn’t that with this process yet, and at times I am tempted to short circuit the way we chose to expand our family for now. I want that rush, that surge, that knowing. That glow and the way in a few months everyone knows there is another on the way.
With our agency, a pregnancy might mean they stop the adoption process. It’s in our contract – they have the right to put it on hold or stop it. They want at least a year between children being added to our home, which in a way I understand. It would be an awful lot to get pregnant with a baby and a few months later add a child that was a totally different age and came with it’s own needs.
And in a way this kind of makes me stabby. I mean, it’s my life. My decision. My choice. Why should they get to dictate when I can add children to our family because we’re adopting?
I struggle back and forth with this. There are days I manage to convince myself I’m ready for another pregnancy. I can tell myself what happened to the boys probably wouldn’t happen again, etc.
Then I find their tiny footprints or stumble on the ultrasound pics and it hits me just how not ready I am for that right now. How we chose adoption because it would give us that time to heal, and I wouldn’t have to be sick for months on end and we could let my body take a break. That it would give me time to focus on our daughter who has taken a lot of our stress this past year.
Adoption is not an easy process at all. We have so many frustrations with it right now. I often wonder if we jumped into it too quickly, but Sam is there to remind me how much I always wanted this. We talked about it yesterday and he said, “If we back out now, we’ll never do it. You know that. And I want this just as much as you do now.” This was a huge reminder to me of how much his heart has changed towards this, and how I need to be the other half of the support system during adoption.
So we continue. My mind may jump to the what if’s but I know for now what we are doing is the right thing for us. The impatience I have will one day be silenced as I walk into a room in Korea to meet my child, and with chubby little hands that reach for me, to see my daughter play with her little sister or brother. It will be worth it.
Photo Credit: Bob Bob via Flickr
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption in progress on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances.
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