Things have been so crazy busy these past two months that I realized the other day that I haven’t filled y’all in on my pregnancy plans recently. My bad. I think sometimes I forget that you’re each not traveling around in my brain with me…
When I found out in April that my FET (frozen embryo transfer) failed and that I was not pregnant even though I was certain that I was I was upset. I wanted (and still do want) to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby this year the year my twins were supposed to have been born. I wanted to be pregnant again when my due date for the twins came in May. I wanted to once again start growing life inside of me, with a healthy and alive baby at the end of 9 months.
But none of that happened.
What happened instead was a bit of an upheaval in my life. I was unexpectedly transferred to a new department at work. My wife and I found out we’d have to move in June because (long story short) our landlords turned out to be idiots. My second FET cycle was canceled because my uterine lining hadn’t thickened as it should have thanks to stress. And I was dealing with all of this at a time that was supposed to be the birth month of my twins. (Some people have mentioned how “the universe works in mysterious ways” because could I imagine having to deal with all of these life changes with newborn twins? Yes, I could imagine. I always imagine my days with my should-have-been twins.)
That’s when we decided to step back from the fertility meds and the whole TTC process in general and take a damn break from it all.
I had to let go of the idea that 2013 was going to be the year that I became a mother. It wasn’t. I needed to spend time on the things that I enjoy and not be all-consumed by my fertility journey (not that my fertility journey isn’t enjoyable, it’s just also extremely intense). I hadn’t even realized that I had become all-consumed. That’s how deep into this I was.
I’m taking part of the summer to “detox” from all that goes along with TTC. My brain and my body need a break. Yes, I want to have a baby. But I also want, quite frankly, to chill the eff out.
I’ll try again in my August cycle, when the heat of the summer is at its peak, but the crispness of fall is on the horizon, when my body has been rested and my mind eased. Hopefully, my baby will be ready to come to me then.
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