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Who's the Loud Breather? And Other Embarrassments

That's my 34-week belly in recline, in case you were wondering.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night. (I know; total shocker at nearly nine months pregnant.) But this time, it wasn’t heartburn- or bladder-related. Rather, I heard something. And just before I thumped my husband on the chest to inform him that his dinosaur-like breathing had awakened me, I realized it wasn’t him at all.

Horror of horrors, it was me.

All the extra blood coursing through these veins has shrunken each nostril to what feels like the width of a toothpick. I don’t think about it, but there is a strained effort to get air in and out of this bloated body, and my person is making it known with audible inhales and exhales. And now I can’t help but wonder how many people in waiting rooms or friends in church meetings might have noticed the loud-breather seated next to them.

At about 8.5 months pregnant, here’s what else is getting me good and embarrassed, and ready to have this pregnancy thing over with:

  • Throughout this pregnancy, I’ve made a concerted effort to get ready and dressed each and every day. And yet, when a new neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 p.m. and I was nowhere near a nap, he asked if he had awakened me.
  • The other day, my toddler asked me if I had bruises under my eyes.
  • I went to the grocery store for juice. When I got to the register, I had everything but juice. I booked this ol’ bod back to the beverage aisle as fast as I could. I got red in the face within a few strides, and afterward, two people stopped to ask if they could help get my very manageable bag of groceries to the car.
  • My large belly is making my shift dresses shorter than I’m comfortable with. And yet, my shift dresses are so comfortable. I wore one at a questionable length the other day, and realized that my bag—combined with the strain of belly size—had pulled my dress up, exposing one buttock cheek. Luckily, it was covered in fairly thick black tights. Unluckily, I was at a crowded shopping mall and don’t know how long it was like that.
  • A favorite maternity shirt stayed in the dryer too long. Without realizing its new size, I wore it. I was with a contractor for around fifteen minutes before I realized that my not-so-seedy but not especially attractive underbelly was exposed.
  • In the car the other day, I couldn’t find my phone. I looked around, made a comment to my husband about misplacing it, and then found it lodged where my belly was resting on my thigh.

Now, your turn. Please tell me I’m not the only one!

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