Every since I knew the best and safest option for my third birth would be a c-section, the idea hasn’t really sat well with me. While I have been working hard to be positive, and make the experience as easy as I can, I cannot help the thoughts that stress me out in my own head.
I think it really hit me most this week when I was sitting down watching One Born Every Minute on Tuesday night. There was a couple there pregnant with twins, and they were waiting to go in for their scheduled c-section, and I found the whole process to bizarre. Knowing the date your child is going to be born, going to the hospital for a certain time, and getting preped, and then walking into the OR without any help, or assistance.
Each time I have made my way into the operating room to deliver my children, there has been some kind of emergent situation which made me scared, and fear for the unknown of what may happen. And here I am with my third child, being able to call the shots, the date, and walk down that long hall way to the operating room for a scheduled delivery.
While I was induced with my oldest son, I never assumed he would be born the same day we went in for the induction, everyone warned me that inductions could take days, so I was prepared to have him days after we started the process. And with my second son, I went into labor on my own, while at a baby fair sharing information and support for cesarean mothers through our local ICAN chapter.
I liked the surprise elements of him picking his own birthday. I liked not knowing when he was going to come, and best of all I knew that when he did finally decide to come he would be ready because no one was forcing him out before he was fully cooked.
This time around, I have scheduled my delivery for the latest possible date I could get. Typically scheduled c-sections are at 39 weeks gestation, but I was able to squeeze a couple extra days in there hoping that my little girl would come on her own. But the one thing that now frightens me about going into labor on my own is my birth plan crumbling.
I have worked very hard to plan on making this the best c-section I can. From picking the OB/GYN who will delivery my daughter, to knowing the residents on staff, and most of all having my midwife who attended my youngest sons birth there as my doula. A huge support system in place that I really need. She is my advocate, and my strength, especially since the untimely death of the doula I used with my last birth. I worry that she will be attending another delivery, or not be available to drop everything and run to the hospital for the support I have planned.
I guess I am just one giant ball of emotions. Going from the woman who said she would never schedule a c-section, to being in that position is not something I can take lightly.
I am this close to saying I hate my scheduled c-section.