Why I'm Afraid of My Own BedroomKatie Loeb
My husband and I are both employed (or soon to be employed in my case) as health care providers. We both have spent way too many years of our lives learning about the human body and we both treat patients in our respective clinics. In May we will both have doctorates in our particular fields of healthcare. We are about as close to experts of the human body as one can be. I say this not to brag because trust me, our student loans are anything but attractive right now, but rather as an explanation of why we’re being stupid.
We’re both afraid of having sex.
Logically, I understand the way my cervix and uterus and all of that work. I understand that the baby won’t be harmed because there are simply too many things in the way, I understand that this is a normal physiological thing and that it’s safe. I get all of this. I can even teach you the science of it if you have 30 minutes and really want to be bored.
But the logical part of my brain cannot seem to overcome the afraid part.
At first I was afraid we’d knock the baby loose. I’m not sure why I thought his/her connection to my uterus was so very precarious, but it just felt fragile. My husband agreed entirely. I was afraid to do pretty much anything in case the tiny string I pictured in my mind broke free and the baby just floated away.
Once I saw the baby on the ultrasound I became slightly more confident about his/her connection to my uterus and it became less about the fear of knocking the baby loose. I emphasize the slightly part. I’m still afraid.
My biggest worry at this point is that I’ll do something that will cause my uterus to contract and that it will set things in motion that should not be set in motion for many, many months to come. I’m basically afraid that I’ll send myself into labor at 11 weeks if I have vigorous sex. Or I guess enjoyable sex is more the issue.
Again, logically I understand that this is not going to happen. I know that I am allowed to do this while pregnant because stuff like this doesn’t harm otherwise healthy pregnancies, but the logic is still losing to the crazy. Especially while between ultrasounds and not being able to confidently know that everything is okay in Uterusland. I’m not sure at what point I’ll stop being afraid of this. I’ve lucked out in that my husband is also afraid, but I have a feeling that soon his desire is going to win out over his worries and I might just have to get over this.
Please tell me that we are not the only crazy people with these worries. And please tell me that it gets a little less scary once we get past the first trimester.