Would You Share Your Conception Experience With the World?
I’ve mentioned before that I waited beyond my first trimester to tell anyone other than my husband that I was pregnant. It was a personal decision that I made because it made me more comfortable once I was out of the “danger” zone to reveal my pregnancy.
We didn’t keep the fact that we were trying for a baby a secret. Many of our friends and family knew that we wanted a second child, we just never knew how long it was going to take.
Earlier this week I had the chance to sit down and hear the stories of couples on the road to parenthood. They have chosen to share their journey on TLC’s web series, A Conception Story. The show explores the part of the journey that comes in between — getting pregnant. Many of the couples have dealt with infertility, miscarriage, and even the struggle to get pregnant after having children.
The openness and candidness of each couple amazed me. They were willing to share each and every bit of their road to pregnancy. They spoke about their struggles with miscarriages and the emotional toll it can take on you. What amazed me even more, was how open the husbands were. These men were willing to talk about ovulation cycles, going to fertility clinics, and how trying to have a child has affected them. Most things you would almost never hear a man talk about, these men said with ease and pride.
One couple’s story, Sophia and Kyle, really hit me hard . Much like my story , they suffered a miscarriage after having a healthy little boy. I sat next to them in tears as my emotions began to get the best of me. I shared with them how I had been in a similar situation.
I chose not to speak about my miscarriage until well after I knew I was pregnant again, but because they had already announced the pregnancy on Facebook, the couple had to face it head on and tell the world they had lost the baby. Their courage and honesty about everything made me think that maybe if I had spoke about it earlier, it would have emotionally helped me get over the loss.
Sophia, now six months pregnant with a healthy little girl, wanted to share their experience on A Conception Story so that other couples could relate and realize that they aren’t the only ones that have dealt with the heartbreak of a miscarriage after having a child.
After speaking with the couple I had the chance to sit down with Dr. Mary Jane Minkin, a board-certified obstetrician/ gynecologist in private practice in New Haven, Conn., and a Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine. After brining back the emotions of my miscarriage, I wanted to speak with her about why it is so common for women to experience it and why it’s been so taboo to speak about. She explained that the actual fertilization process is quite complex and she’s surprised that miscarriage doesn’t occur more often than it already does.
She also told me that she wishes more women would be open about their struggles so that others can relate and find comfort in it, much like the couples are doing on A Conception Story.
Seeing the couples and speaking with Dr. Minkin made me question whether I should have waited so long to share my story. At the time of my miscarriage I was upset, embarrassed, ashamed, and angry at myself because I thought that I might have done something wrong. Going through these emotions, realizing that it wasn’t my fault, and that other women have been through the same thing, helps me find comfort in it all.
Would you share your conception story with the world?
Photo via TLC.com
Disclosure: I was not compensated for this post. I did receive a gift bag for attending the event. All opinions expressed are my own.
After having two kids, my husband and I have been trying for a third for over a year. I’ve experienced two miscarriages along the way, both very early on, but this last one hit me much harder than I expected. I decided to share my story on my blog even though we had only told a few friends and family members that we were pregnant (or even trying). It felt good to put it out there – and I received so many responses from others who had experienced similar struggles.
I will definitely be checking out this series. My heart goes out to everyone going through challenges on the road to starting, or expanding, their family.
Taryn S.
http://www.moreskeesplease.com
I think about this a lot! I also had a mc my first—I was only about 6 weeks or so and it was really helpful knowing 2 other people should had gone through the same thing. People are really quiet about this and I’m not saying it should be broadcasted for all to see but people should be aware that it’s beyond common! The only person I really told that time was the cashier at dunkin—bc she asked (??????) and I was mortified to go back for weeks, when I got pregnant again! This time I actually managed to keep it a secret until 17 weeks. I still can’t believe I held it in that long!
after my last miscarriage I told just a few close (or so I thought) family members and was really, really hurt about how nonchalant people were. It only made the isolation and grief I was feeling worse. I think the nicest thing someone said was “oh, it happens” and just expected me to be fine after that, even though my husband and I had been trying for two years and the closest we have come are 2 early miscarriages. The worst thing was ” well I don’t think you are ready for a baby anyway” So now I keep our long road to becoming parents private and although it means feeling alone a lot of the time, I really couldn’t deal with taking on any extra pain from callous and cold family members. It has really damaged the relationship we have with family.
My husband and I were never prepared for the years of fertility treatments and then facing the option of using an egg donor. I went as hard and fast as I could, sharing with my world because I am a hairstylist(23 yrs accountable and had never missed work), and I missed an unbelievable amount of work through surgeries and treatments. My Dr’s were 2 hours away, so appts meant taking half or whole days off. I asked my peers/clients to “please never ask if we had success, that they would know by the smile on my face”. I wanted to be able to miss work and do what I needed to do with them understanding that I was not “playing around and goofing off having fun while cancelling and rescheduling their appts”. Most were understanding. Some would say, “It will happen when it’s supposed to”, “it will happen when you are least expecting it”. I had one friend tell me that “maybe my faith in God was not strong enough”. THAT HURT! Together, my husband and I “sucked it up and marched on”, lonely and hurt… and desperate. Financially, physically, emotionally and at times separated from each other in our own pain, we did finally have success. Our third try using an egg donor worked. We lost one of the babies during that pregnancy and the one that remained is the light of our world now. I would encourage anyone going through fertility to keep their world tight with the love and support of those who are capable of understanding. Many people are just not capable of understanding, or keeping their mouths quiet in trying to listen and in trying to understand. We met alot of “know it alls” and we met alot of hurt. Keep your chin up and KNOW that you are NOT alone. There is no pain like the despair of wanting something soo badly that you see others having soo effortlessly.. and sometimes taking for granted. God Bless you all!
It can hurt, too, when you DON’T have the problems that others expect you to have. And they openly express their resentment that, athough you waited until you were 34, and you were overweight, and you were or weren’t, blahblahbla that you didn’t have trouble concieving two weeks after you started trying. The vast majority of fertility is driven by genetics and some folks just hit the jackpot and some folks get the whammy. It isn’t fair, it does hurt but it is what it is.
A lot of people that struggle with fertility should look into Natural Family Planning. Natural Family Planning is great whether you are looking to attain or avoid a pregnancy because it is all about monitoring your body’s fertility and health. Couples that use Natural Family Planning have a rate of avoiding pregnancy that is on par with the pill but when they are ready to try for a baby they tend to conceive much more quickly because they know when they are fertile and infertile.
There is also a great doctor named Dr. Thomas Hilgers at the Pope Paul VI institute that has been able to help a lot of women with women’s health issues after they tried just about everything and felt they had no where else to turn.
http://www.popepaulvi.com/