Some days, I just want to scream FML. Today is one of those days.
My fourth attempt at pregnancy failed. I got yet another negative pregnancy test at my fertility center today.
I am not pregnant.
It’s been 17 months since I started my fertility journey. I know other women have been at this way longer, and I honestly don’t know how they do it. I feel like I’m at a breaking point with each disappointment. I feel like I want to walk away from it all and go live in a cave. An actual cave.
Am I not supposed to have a baby? Is it time to throw in the towel? Is it time to consider alternative ways of becoming a mother? Is my body broken? I just don’t know anymore. About any of it.
I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. I’ve done everything they told me to. And still nothing.
People continuously tell me how refreshing my positive outlook is, but I feel even that is fading. How do you stay positive blow after blow after blow?
“There’s always next month.”
“It’ll happen when the time is right.”
I’m tired of hearing it. I know it’s meant to encourage, and really no one knows what else to say when this happens over and over again. But I’m tired of walking around with an empty gut and a broken heart.
And my faith is waning.
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