The Hokkaido Poo Poo Bear 1 of 32
The Hokkaido Poo Poo BearThis is, simply stated, a poop-themed bear. Does it poop? Don't know. Does it eat poop? That's not clear. The only thing that is for sure is this bear is very enthusiastic about associating itself with fecal matter. Maybe poop means something different in Japan?
Aqua Dots 2 of 32
There wasn't much to this toy, just a bunch of dots that weakly bonded when you sprayed a little water on them. The idea was to put them into patterns to create figures so crude they make a Lite Brite look like hi-def.
B’loonies 3 of 32
Here's an example of someone totally over-thinking what was a perfectly decent toy. Balloons are internationally recognized as fun. Too fun, some toy executive must have thought, and so came up with B'Loonies.
Airport X-Ray Security Machine 4 of 32
Airport X-Ray Security Machine
Coming soon, The Kiddy FAA Cavity Search Kit, and My First Guantanamo Bay Playset with Habeas Corpus Removal Wand.
Barbie 5 of 32
Does Barbie represent bad gender role modeling? I don't know, but I do know this: that girl likes to get naked. No sooner than minutes after your daughter receives the gift of Barbie does this amoral little doll have her clothes off. And it is in this sinful state of nature that Barbie will stay, most likely writhing in a pile of similarly clothing-shy Barbies. It's not the '70s anymore, Barbie. Get some undies.
Pet Rock 6 of 32
How about a Pet-I'll-Chuck-This-Back-At-Your-Head-You-Cheapo-Dad?
Vibrating Harry Potter Broom 7 of 32
Vibrating Harry Potter Broom
This might have been a nice toy, but a lot of mommies never got around to giving it to their kids.
Sit and Spin 8 of 32
Sit and Spin
If you think about it, by giving a kid a toy, you the parent are saying, "Here, now go busy yourself with this and stay outta my hair for a while." And what better way to keep your child busy than with non-stop vomiting?
Rubber Band Gun 9 of 32
Rubber Band Gun
Happy birthday kid — here's a gun, and while we're at it, here's your glass eye! With the potential for ocular injury associated with this toy, couldn't they have just called it The Lil' Cyclops Starter Kit?
Shirtless Construction Worker 10 of 32
Shirtless Construction Worker
The question is, is this a construction worker who just got hot, or is this a guy who spent too much time waiting on line for Village People reunion show tickets? I think the mustache says it all.
Super Soaker Oozinator 11 of 32
Super Soaker Oozinator
A squirt gun that ejects ooze. Okay, that's gross and the mess potential could be fatal to your upholstery, but what's the big problem? Watch this commercial and you tell me.
EZ Bake Oven 12 of 32
EZ Bake Oven
Oh man, did I want one of these bad when I was a kid. I also really wanted diabetes, which this would have given me, too. You mean I can eat half-cooked brownie dough all day and call it "play?" Yes, please.
PRO Thumb Wrestling Playset 13 of 32
PRO Thumb Wrestling Playset
Hey kids! Check out this Pro Thumb Wrestling Playset. All you do is add thumbs. Or you could just thumb wrestle without binding yourself in this sadist's sharp plastic prison.
Chia Pet 14 of 32
Chia Pet comes in every conceivable head-based shape and form, from a Scooby head to a Garfield head. Chia Pet, is there anything you can't do? Oh that's right: entertain.
Children’s ATM Machine 15 of 32
Children's ATM Machine
This electronic teller machine helps children learn money management as they maintain a savings account up to $999.99. The machine accepts real coin- and currency-deposits and gives up-to-date account information on its screen. Young depositors have their own ATM card and PIN for checking account balance, making deposits, or withdrawing funds.
Lightning Reaction Extreme 16 of 32
Lightning Reaction Extreme
What is the goal of this game? To not get electrocuted. What do you win? The right to not be electrocuted. Hope your kid doesn't have a weak heart. This toy quasi-safely allows your kids to explore their urge to electrocute themselves.
Pogo Stick 17 of 32
Let's do a little math: The additional height a pogo stick can help your child attain: 10%. The probability of your kid cracking their face open once launched from said pogo stick: 90%. Sounds like 100% fun to me!
Pee and Poo 18 of 32
Pee and Poo
Again with the scatological humor. Okay, Japan, we get it. You love bodily waste. Maybe these toys are meant to engender a friendly attitude between your child and potty training, but how affectionate do we want our kids getting with their excrement? And what if the plan backfires and your kids get the impression that gigantic creatures with eyeballs are going to come out of their orifices?
Gelli Baff 19 of 32
You add a packet of this powder to your child's bath and it turns into goo. They already invented it. It's called Jell-O and it's delicious. Gelli Baff, on the other hand, is terrible. The above picture, incidentally, is one of the most disturbing I have seen in some time.
Chef Mario’s Bento Plate 20 of 32
Chef Mario's Bento Plate
Hey, eating plastic raw fish has got to be safer than eating real raw fish.
Lawn Darts 21 of 32
No one knows how to play lawn darts. I think if you remain unpunctured by the end of the game, you are a winner. Lawn darts, with their sharp metal projectile-ness, derive from a simpler time when only one out of three kids survived childhood and everybody was okay with that. You should never allow your child to play with a toy that you'd be wary to have drunk Uncle Frank play with.
Skip It 22 of 32
Hey kid, don't have any friends to jump rope with? Let me introduce myself — I'm Skip It, the jumping game for outcasts like you. We're going to have a lot of fun together. By the way, if you fail to jump over me, I will slap you hard in the leg.
Shrinky Dinks 23 of 32
A child meticulously colors a piece of art. Then said art gets incinerated, the result leaving their hard work "shrunk," diminished, less significant and worse for wear. A fitting metaphor for the art world?
Slinky Dog 24 of 32
The Slinky: it walks downstairs. Wow. You know what else walks down stairs? Me. You don't see Pennsylvania offering to make ME their official state toy. (By the way, I am still available for the position, Idaho.) Additional toys from the Slinky family just take pointlessness to new heights. For instance:the Slinky Dog.
Jacks 25 of 32
Here's how you play Jacks. Go to the park. Set your jacks on the ground and make like you are having fun (you won't really be having fun, but play along). When another boy comes along with a much cooler toy, throw the little ninja-star jacks in his face and take his toy.
BB Gun 26 of 32
Let your little one learn about Second Amendment rights by killing all the neighborhood cats.
Beads, of any sort 27 of 32
Beads, of any sort
Toys makers certainly think kids like beads, and kids do too — at first. However, after five minutes and nine or ten swallowed, the novelty of beads wears and off and your kids dump them out onto the carpet, where they cease to be beads and become vacuum shrapnel.
Bubble Wand 28 of 32
What we discovered about the bubble wand in short order was: A) making a bubble was only achievable after an hour of jerking the wand back and forth; and B) once you got even a speck of dust on the bubble wand it would never make a bubble again. It was ruined, just like our bubble world dreams.
Ball and Cup 29 of 32
Ball and Cup
It's a ball. It's a cup. They are attached by a string. Try to put the ball in the cup. Who needs the Internet when you have fun like this?
The Star Wars Empty Box 30 of 32
The Star Wars Empty Box
No one knew how popular the movie Star Wars would be when it came out in 1977. Turns out a few people did see the flick and wanted a Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader doll. Kenner didn't have any, so he let people buy Early Bird certificates for an action figure when they became available. This amounted to thousands of children ripping open their presents on Christmas morning to discover their parents' bought them an empty box.
Pogo Ball 31 of 32
Think we had this one covered with the Pogo Stick? Not so fast. This toy combined the pointless peril of a pogo stick with the demanding nature of a dominatrix.
Elmo Knows Your Name 32 of 32
Elmo Knows Your Name
What can't Elmo do? You tickle him and he laughs. You wrong him, he'll cut you. Did you forget Elmo grew up on the street? Yes, I do mean Sesame. One imagines the people at Fisher Price didn't mean to create a murderous toy based on a beloved children's icon. But I didn't mean for the park security guard to see me burying a hobo in a shallow grave the other night. These things just happen.