It’s funny how sometimes one of the hardest things for you to share can somehow become something that you so freely talk about. I am a firm believer that a sense of freedom comes with having the courage to tell your story. When I shared 10 reasons why I was thankful for a second chance at marriage I was so touched by the positive responses I got from people who had gone through a divorce or were in the process of going through one. Despite divorce being so common it can sometimes be hard to not feel like you are the only “failure” out there when it comes to your marriage coming to an end. For me, the choice to end my marriage was easy. The positives that have come out of my decision far outweigh the jokes about me having an ex or the prom picture that haunts me to this day.
For others it may not be or have been so easy. But what I’ve come to realize is that for many of us going through a divorce or having gone through one, no matter how easy or how hard, there is a period of time where we buy into a lot of crap. The crazy thing is that we know a lot of it is crap and still, somehow we managed to get sucked in. Today I am here to tell you that you are not a failure as well as 11 more things you may have falsely bought into:
12 Lies We Buy Into During or After a Divorce 1 of 13
Find out 12 lies we often falsely buy into during or after a divorce.
I’m a failure 2 of 13
As much as I knew in my heart of hearts that I made the right decision for myself and my child I couldn't help but feel like I had failed at marriage. I was determined to be the one in my family who didn't get a divorce. But the end of a marriage doesn't make you a failure. For me it meant that I had come to see the cost of staying was too great. And by putting myself and my child first I was far from a failure.
No one will ever want to be with me 3 of 13
Girlfriend (boyfriend) let me tell you, someone will realize the jewel that you are. I wrote in my vows to my now husband that he knew that beyond my tarnished outer layer was a jewel waiting to be found. During breakups sometimes your ex will tell you no one will want you. They are most often mistaken. I met a man who loved me enough to help me carry the baggage I had from an unhealthy relationship and what felt like a lifetime of struggles with depression and poor self-esteem. And not only did he help me carry it but he has stood by my side as I have unpacked in an effort to work on and deal with some of the things from my past that still challenge and impact me to this day.
I can’t start over 4 of 13
You can. You will. For me, I was a parent. I felt like I had no choice but to keep going. I had to for her. And I did. I resumed college, worked, graduated and immediately returned to school and got my master's degree. I made my child my number one priority and part of that involved building a life for us. I also learned to lean on my support system and made more of an effort to stop isolating myself.
He was right about me 5 of 13
Perhaps he said you were dumb or challenged your character or ability to succeed solo. If you're reading this I've got news for you --- you're still standing. Cue the song: I'm a Survivor. You were smart and strong enough to make yourself a priority. Tell him don't hate.
Everyone is going to think I’m the bad guy or it was my fault 6 of 13
First off, so what if they do. People only know a portion of your story. And even then what they see or are told will still be influenced by how they perceive things. But this is what I know to be true 1. You don't owe anyone an explanation of your situation and 2. The people who truly love you and are in your corner will still be in your corner long after the gossip has subsided. Now is an excellent time to remember that at the end of the day you and your child(ren) come first.
The kids will never understand 7 of 13
There is a possibility that they won't. From what I understand sometimes divorce is much harder on older children but I truly believe that all any of us can do is our best. We can't help whether or not our best is enough for other people only that it's enough for us. In my case I felt I did everything I could do and should do. And if my child were to ever come to me and ask I could take comfort in knowing just that. Another thing is eventually they grow up and as adults we see the world much differently than we did as children.
I should have just stayed 8 of 13
If you left, it's very likely you left for a reason. Now isn't the time to second guess yourself.
I’ll never get over him 9 of 13
Trust me you will love again. There are second chances when it comes to love and most often it is so much sweeter the second time around. You are wiser, and if you have something worth working for chances are you are willing to put in the work.
I’ll never forgive him 10 of 13
You might be hurt or angry for a long time. The sound of their voice or the mere mention of your ex might disgust you; but then one day you may realize that they aren't even worth the energy it takes to be disgusted. The energy is much better spent on investing in your own life and the wonderful people that you have chosen to fill it.
I’m crazy 11 of 13
I'm not a therapist. But, I believe in therapy and getting help if I need it. Getting help during or post divorce doesn't make you weak or crazy or damaged goods. The end of a marriage doesn't mean the end of life. It just means an end to the life that you knew and the beginning of a new chapter.
Love sucks 12 of 13
Yup, lots of things suck when they aren't right. And even when they are right they aren't always easy. But having had a divorce doesn't mean love isn't in the cards for you. For me it mean a true love was. A love built on honesty and trust. A love in which words lined up with actions and I am valued and respected.
I don’t deserve to be happy 13 of 13
Say this aloud "I am worthy." As someone who has fought to love herself I can identify with feeling like I'm not good enough or that I don't deserve more or better. My poor self-esteem caused me to put up with a lot of things that I shouldn't have accepted. You are worthy of love and respect. You are valuable and you do matter. If you haven't been putting in the work consider making an effort to address any issues you have with regards to your self-esteem in an effort to keep from repeating the same poor relationship choices.
If this doesn’t apply to you good for you. If it does I hope that upon reading this you feel a little less alone and perhaps more “normal.” For a long time I bought into some of these lies as did people I know who had gone through what I did. But what I didn’t do was allow them to keep me from living my life and building a future for myself and my child. When you are going through a divorce people will say a lot of things. No matter what you do people will have something to say. It is up to you to filter through it deciding what you want to hold on to and what’s not worth giving another thought. Relationships can be tough but I found someone who I want to navigate all the tough stuff with. And we are doing just that. One of the things that helped me most was surrounding myself with people who loved me for me — people who could help me in the moments when I found myself wanting to buy into those lies again. People who knew that they were just that lies.
Your ex was wrong about you. YOU were wrong about you. You’re awesome and you’ve got it going on. Just thought you should know.
Photos Source: iStockphoto
More from Krishann on Relationships:
MORE ON BABBLE
8 over-the-top divorce cakes that scream I’M FREE!
Women are desperate to get married… and 16 more myths men believe
20 things you should never say during sex
10 things ALL men do but hate to admit
10 men all women date before finding “the one”