The holiday season is upon us and I am single yet again. 35. No husband. No boyfriend. Not even a potential suitor on the horizon. I didn’t think I’d had to answer to “you don’t have a boyfriend?’ over another piece of turkey. And the stares. My family members will glance at me with pity, particularly those couples who are so happy and in love.
Poor Sujeiry, they’ll whisper. We really thought the last boyfriend would stick.
So, what is a single gal to do? Accept it — unless you’re one of a growing number of women in China renting a boyfriend to please their parents during the holiday season. Yes, you read that right!
If I could summon a boyfriend ala Debrah Messing’s character (Kat Ellis ) in The Wedding Date, I would. But I can’t afford a male escort that looks as fine and is as convincing as Dermot Mulroney. With my luck I’d get a 70-year-old escort with liver spots.
A girl can dream, however. I can imagine a perfect holiday boyfriend, even if I cannot summon him. Here are seven things I’d look for if renting a holiday boyfriend.
My Rent a Boyfriend 1 of 8
Some guys may need blow-up dolls to fill a need. And some women need a boyfriend to show off during the holidays! Here's my list of what I'd look for in a rent-a-boyfriend. Photo Credit: Flickr.com/frosted_peppercorn.
A Great Face 2 of 8
If I'm going to pay to have a man stand by my side during the holidays, he has to have a great face. He can't be a mediocre looking guy. Give me GQ-cover hot. Imagine showing up with a rented boyfriend that's the twin of George Costanza? What's the point?! Photo Credit: Flickr.com/onegoodtum.
A Bilingual Tongue 3 of 8
My mother speaks very little English. Therefore she has longed for a son-in-law who could speak Spanish. So far she hasn't received what she desires. That's why my rented boyfriend must speak Spanish. Not only will he make me look good but he will also make my mother happy. She will jump for joy when she realizes she can finally communicate with someone other than herself! Photo Credit: Flickr.com/merari.
Sexy Charm 4 of 8
Any man that is with me has to be charming and friendly, even if I'm renting him. My family members wouldn't be convinced if my boo didn't wink or smile when passing the turkey leg. I am charming and sexy. So my rented boyfriend has to dazzle the pants off of my family so they are convinced he's my match. Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons.
A Hot Bod 5 of 8
If you want to be my rented boyfriend during Christmas you have to be physically fit. I want my family members to acknowledge that he's a hottie with a body. I want him to pick me up with one arm and benchpress me. I want my cousins to imagine him carrying me into our bedroom like a caveman. That'll show them for pitying me! Photo Credit: Flickr.com/enriquelin.
Affectionate and Attentive 6 of 8
A man who shows affection is a man that I would fall for. That's why my rented boyfriend's hands must be all over me. He would have to hold my hand. And look into my eyes like he is so into me. Did I mention I want him to serve my coquito (Caribbean eggnog) all night and bring me my food? If I'm paying you to be my date during the holidays, you must service (um, I mean serve) me in more ways than one! Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons.
A Good Suit 7 of 8
You can't look like a bum when meeting my family. You have to look good. You have to stand tall. You must be confident. You should wear and make the clothes not the other way around. So, please, rented boyfriend, come to my momma's rocking a great three-piece suit. My family will judge you and wonder if I picked you up from the corner, which I so did. Photo Credit: Flickr.com/pgoyette.
A Great Meet Story 8 of 8
As a couple, we must have our story together. My rented boyfriend must be creative enough and open enough to help me come up with the story of when we first met. Every great couple has a killer story. They've practiced it. They even finish each other sentences. That's what I want! A great meet story is the best way to convince my family that this man (whom I rented) is for keeps. Or until the meter expires. Photo Credit: Flickr.com/samstanton.