Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it is that I want in life. Some days I say it’s a great career. I often sing the song “Billionaire,” as an homage to the success that will surely come. I put in over 40 hours a week on building my business and do so without a team. So, when I am in the trenches, the last thing that I think about is marriage and kids. I’ve even heard myself say aloud and convincingly that I can’t have a relationship now. I can’t be someone’s wife and mother. My career is my husband and child.
Then come Saturday nights. While everyone is out with their families, doing things that couples do, I sit alone at home watching old episodes of Snooki and JWoww. I cry as Snooki gives birth to her son, Lorenzo, and love how her fiancé, Jionni, is so proud and helpful. She doesn’t have to do it alone.
I ooh and aah when JWoww and Roger spend a weekend in Maine with his family, and Roger speaks to his dad about proposing. And I feel lonely. In that moment, on those Saturday nights, I wish I was someone’s wife and mother.
I want to have it all.
But, is it possible? Lately, I haven’t been sure. And I know that my uncertainty is confusing the universe. That until I am clear, I will not receive what I desire. What do I want? I really need to answer this now. So, I will. Because I believe in the power of writing things down.
I want a partner, a companion that I love and that loves me. A man that is supportive of my career as a relationship writer and on-air personality. A man that wants to be my husband and the father of my children down the line. Someone with whom to spend my Saturday nights.
I really do want it all.
And so I will stop confusing the universe. I will prepare myself for what’s to come. Instead of saying aloud, “I can’t have a relationship right now,” I will say convincingly, “Career, marriage and kids: I am ready to receive you.”
Photo Credit: Sujeiry Gonzalez.