One of the first books I ever bought myself in college that wasn’t a required text was the Kama Sutra. I was in my ’90s-era hippie chick phase, and I’d heard that this book was 1) Indian 2) about crazy sex positions, so I was pretty psyched to read it. But of course the Kama Sutra is not nearly as thrilling as anyone who hasn’t experienced it expects it to be — kinda like marriage, amIright??? Simon Rich and Farley Katz know what I’m talkin’ about, and they’ve written a book on the subject, aptly titled, The Married Kama Sutra: The World’s Least Erotic Sex Manual. Here are some of the hilarious marital “positions” they’ve created:
The Perverse Lovebirds 1 of 10
Being with people who have it worse than you is such a turn-on.
The Stubborn Goat 2 of 10
When the man purchases the new shirts, and the woman sees him looking handsome in them, it often results in the position known as "the closet quickie."
The Blindness of the Mole 3 of 10
When the woman spends hours at the hair salon and returns home with bangs, and the man has no reaction whatsoever, it is called "the blindness of the mole."
The Wounded Hippopotamus 4 of 10
Sometimes referred to as "the caged cougar."
A Close Call 5 of 10
When the woman looks up ex-boyfriends on social media, it is called "the nostalgic swan."
The Dishwasher Position 6 of 10
See also: "making the bed," "folding laundry," etc.
The Waltz of the Sloths 7 of 10
Note: not the same as a young, unmarried couple taking Ambien to heighten sexual pleasure, which is called "crazy."
The Determined Jackrabbit 8 of 10
When the woman catches the man performing self-congress next to her in bed, and incredulously asks "Really?" and then he just turns away and keeps going, it is called "the determined jackrabbit."
Inside the Snake Den 9 of 10
When the man has his first weekend off from work in a month, and the woman makes him drive upstate to see her sisters, and they all talk about him like he isn't in the room, it is called "inside the snake den."
The Interrupted Congress 10 of 10
A classic all parents have experienced.
When I asked author Farley Katz what the secret to a happy marriage is, he answered, “Purchasing numerous copies of this book.” That, and keeping a sense of humor. If you live in New York City and you’d like to see Katz’s co-author Simon Rich and I argue that single life is far superior, come see the Uptown Showdown on November 13th at 8 pm at Symphony Space. Click here for more info.
Illustrations used with permission.