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Hilarious: The Married Kama Sutra (Illustrations)

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One of the first books I ever bought myself in college that wasn’t a required text was the Kama Sutra. I was in my ’90s-era hippie chick phase, and I’d heard that this book was 1) Indian 2) about crazy sex positions, so I was pretty psyched to read it. But of course the Kama Sutra is not nearly as thrilling as anyone who hasn’t experienced it expects it to be — kinda like marriage, amIright??? Simon Rich and Farley Katz know what I’m talkin’ about, and they’ve written a book on the subject, aptly titled, The Married Kama Sutra: The World’s Least Erotic Sex Manual. Here are some of the hilarious marital “positions” they’ve created:

  • The Perverse Lovebirds 1 of 10
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    Being with people who have it worse than you is such a turn-on.

  • The Stubborn Goat 2 of 10
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    When the man purchases the new shirts, and the woman sees him looking handsome in them, it often results in the position known as "the closet quickie."

  • The Blindness of the Mole 3 of 10
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    When the woman spends hours at the hair salon and returns home with bangs, and the man has no reaction whatsoever, it is called "the blindness of the mole."

  • The Wounded Hippopotamus 4 of 10
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    Sometimes referred to as "the caged cougar."

  • A Close Call 5 of 10
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    When the woman looks up ex-boyfriends on social media, it is called "the nostalgic swan."

  • The Dishwasher Position 6 of 10
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    See also: "making the bed," "folding laundry," etc.

  • The Waltz of the Sloths 7 of 10
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    Note: not the same as a young, unmarried couple taking Ambien to heighten sexual pleasure, which is called "crazy."

  • The Determined Jackrabbit 8 of 10
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    When the woman catches the man performing self-congress next to her in bed, and incredulously asks "Really?" and then he just turns away and keeps going, it is called "the determined jackrabbit."

  • Inside the Snake Den 9 of 10
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    When the man has his first weekend off from work in a month, and the woman makes him drive upstate to see her sisters, and they all talk about him like he isn't in the room, it is called "inside the snake den."

  • The Interrupted Congress 10 of 10
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    A classic all parents have experienced.

When I asked author Farley Katz what the secret to a happy marriage is, he answered, “Purchasing numerous copies of this book.” That, and keeping a sense of humor. If you live in New York City and you’d like to see Katz’s co-author Simon Rich and I argue that single life is far superior, come see the Uptown Showdown on November 13th at 8 pm at Symphony Space. Click here for more info.

Illustrations used with permission.

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