Are your marriage fights getting the best of you? Does it seem you disagree over the same stuff over and over again? How can you turn that around? How can your marriage problems be used to make your marriage better?
Money problems are at the top of the list for many couples. Financial fights is one predictor of a divorce. My wife and I have had our fair share of marriage fights, disagreements, and problems. But we made it, and those problems have made our marriage better.
A recent Your Tango article shared some interesting ideas about marriage problems being marriage opportunities. The article reveals a study of fighting couples and their relationship patterns. I could relate as our marriage has experienced effects from some of our relationship patterns.
Wait, didn’t we just fight about this?
In the Your Tango article the author reflected on how the findings revealed couples fight over the same three or four fights throughout their relationship. Fights over money, sex, in-laws, marital roles and expectations. Can you relate? I can, as most of our relationship fights were over unmet expectations. Unmet expectations that usually were never communicated.
Finding the root of the problem
Have you ever had a fight, and wondered, “how in the world did this small thing, turn into such a huge issue?” I have. What I’ve discovered and what the Your Tango article revealed is that small disagreement is rooted in something different. It is often rooted in something from our childhood.
My wife and I recently had this revelation. My tendency when dealing with problems is to shut everybody out, even those trying to help. Even my wife. I effectively close the door on her while I process, think, and work through the issue. This is hurtful to her, as it reminds her of some things in her childhood similar to that.
Going from problem to opportunity
Once you discover your problem is rooted in something different, you now can move toward opportunity. From the experience of coming through our biggest marriage challenges better than we were, I came up with some insights which can help other marriages.
- Open the door to communication. My close door tactics were very NOT successful. But openly discussing with your spouse, will open the door to finding the root.
- Come close. Once you open the door to communication you can be intimate and vulnerable. Coming closer physically, mentally, and spiritually will identify some of those patterns and help you address them. The Your Tango article suggests an interesting method called EFT acupressure tapping.
- Realize stress is used to bless. What happens when a body builder stresses his muscles? Yep, they grow bigger and stronger. Stress on your marriage can be similar. Using those stresses to improve an area of your relationship and individually can be a result.
Knowing we all experience problems in marriage, this information should be encouraging. The more fights you have, the more encouraging it may be! 😉 Here is to hoping the next marriage problems you face create the opportunities to make your marriage better.
Have you experienced marriage or relationship problems which have made your relationship better? Please share.
More on relationships from Jackie: