Not long ago, I was attracted to unavailable men. It began with Kurt – the college athlete who was also the bad boy on campus. He approached me outside of the Southwest Room at UMass Amherst, where a frat party was taking place. His eyes narrowed and voice smooth, he leaned in and asked for my number. I was immediately repelled. Kurt knew he was hot. I don’t like arrogant men. But, he didn’t give up.
At 2 a.m, the party let out. College students flooded the streets and Kurt slid beside me. He asked for my number again. I ignored him and he walked away. That’s when my friend, Wallis, told me about Kurt.
“Don’t trust him,” he said. “He’s a dog.”
I nodded, my interest suddenly peaked. Kurt made his way back and asked for my number again. And I gave in.
I didn’t know it then but I now know what really occurred that Friday night. He was so interested in me that I was turned off. As soon as I knew he was someone I could not trust, or take seriously, I wanted him.
I wanted him because he was unavailable.
My pattern then began. One that is deep seated from childhood. My father was also unavailable, emotionally and at times physically. Sometimes he just wasn’t in my life. And so I’ve been in relationships with men who don’t let me in, who are inconsistent, and who don’t want or cannot commit.
I loved the wrong men – unavailable men – because I didn’t think I deserved love.
Fortunately, this is no longer the case. How did I break my bad relationship pattern? How can you break yours?
- Acknowledgement. Be aware that there is indeed a pattern to break.
- Analyze. Ask yourself “why.” Know the reason behind the pattern. Why do you continue to attract unhealthy relationships? Why do you choose these kind of men?
- Acceptance and action. When you see a guy like Kurt, run! Whenever you feel yourself falling back into the pattern, check in and do the opposite of what you’d normally do in that very situation.
So, take heed. Follow these steps to release yourself from self-imposed shackles. Release yourself from being in the same relationship with a different man.