The other day, I got the following question from a reader of my love + relationships blog here at Babble:
“What if the sex isn’t good? How does one even go about remedying that?”
Ok, I thought. I got this. This is such a common problem for women.
“It’s time to take charge of your sex life,” I wrote. “Don’t be afraid to speak about what you want and what works for you!”
Genius, I thought. Can’t get much more perfect advice than that, right?
It turns that my anonymous reader was a woman who was quite satisfied in the bedroom…but her partner wasn’t.
A man who didn’t enjoy sex? Is that even possible?
Obviously, I needed to turn to the real experts on this one. So I asked Dr. Rachel Needle, a psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida for her opinion.
“This is a great question!” Dr. Rachel said. ” Many people wonder “am I good in bed?” There are a number of factors that can contribute to how good one is in bed, which range from who the partner is, communication, skill, and more.
First, how is he defining “good sex”? Perhaps he is not that experienced, because then he should know that good sex doesn’t necessarily mean mind blowing simultaneous orgasms all the time as we see in movies, but can also be about emotional connection or heightened sexual arousal without orgasm too. And guess what—that can be good too!
It is true that people’s sexual styles are not always compatible. But this is where communication can come in really handy! It is important to communicate with your partner about what it is you like and what feels good and pleasurable. If he was not giving you direction, then that was his first problem. Each individual is turned on and enjoys something different. If he didn’t think you were all that in the sack, he has to consider what he was giving you to work with! You are not a mind reader. Great listeners make great lovers.
If after all of this, you continue to get feedback including that you are not pleasing a partner properly, try taking a look at yourself to see what your comfort level with sexual activity is, how you feel about yourself, and experiment with yourself to see what feels good. Also, consider consulting a local professional who specializes in helping individuals with sexual concerns. You can locate a Psychologist or Mental Health Counselor with expertise in sexuality via www.sstarnet.org or www.aasect.org.”
Hopefully that advice helps, dear reader.
Because, honestly, I got nothin’ else.
Image via mind on fire/Flickr