In case you were out enjoying life yesterday and not rotting away on the Internet, let me catch you up on the story that had every woman I know pulling her hair out: a reporter for the New York Post named Stephanie Smith is making 300 sandwiches for her boyfriend so that he will give her an engagement ring. That’s pretty much the whole story. A beautiful, talented, successful 30-something-year-old woman wants to get married so badly to a guy who by all accounts seems like a douchebag (so says the Internet, unanimously, and the Internet doesn’t agree on anything) that she agreed to make him 300 sandwiches because that’s what he told her she needed to do to get him to propose. (Sandwich number 178: Barf on a bun.)
Smith, it turns out, is quite a gifted sandwich maker, as is documented on her blog, 300 Sandwiches. As of today, Smith still has 123 sandwiches to go, which is a heck of a lot of sandies, even for a woman with a creative determination passionately driven by a lust for blood diamonds. (And look, I get it. Women are programmed by jewelers and media and other women to want a diamond engagement ring. It’s like a crowning achievement you can wear on your finger that allows you to feel like a princess without screwing up your hair. I wanted a diamond engagement ring, too, before I realized that they’re forged by the devil. And that marriage should never be a “goal” but rather the result of an equal partnership that develops naturally.) So I thought I’d help Smith out by giving her some suggestions about which ‘wiches she might make next …
Roasted Turkey on a Gender Role 1 of 10
A good sandwich for a busy day because it's easy and boring, like the way cooking to try to please and keep a man feels.
Sexist Sub, aka Hostage Hoagie, aka Girlfriend Grinder (depending on regionalism) 2 of 10
No matter what you call it, preparing this sandwich will keep you in the kitchen for hours! While you're in there, try making one for yourself. I know you're not used to eating your own food, but see how it feels. Once you start feeding yourself a bit, you might start to crave even more nourishment. Go with it.
The Marriage Trap Wrap 3 of 10
Marriage looks so nice from the outside, doesn't it? Like the way pre-made wraps look inside the glass case at the lunch counter. Mmmm, you think. Crisp lettuce, grilled chicken ... how healthy and refreshing! This is going to be a good sandwich, you say to yourself. You are going to want to marry this sandwich! Except then you buy the thing and you bite into it and the tortilla always tastes like spoiled paper and the chicken is rubbery and the lettuce is bitter and dirty. Why did you buy this thing? You've had wraps so many times before and they're always a disappointment, but you keep going back and trying them again because you never learn the lesson the wrap is trying to teach you. It tastes like tears. Move on to a truly healthy sandwich, genuinely "made with love."
Engagement Parm on Fresh Italian Mini-Loaf 4 of 10
Did I say engagement? I meant eggplant. I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT GETTING ENGAGED BECAUSE I LIVE IN A SOCIETY THAT SAYS WOMEN ARE NOTHING ON THEIR OWN NO MATTER HOW SUCCESSFUL THEY ARE SO I HAVE THIS EMPTINESS INSIDE OF ME THAT I'M TRYING TO FILL BY FORCING THIS MAN TO LOVE ME BY USING FOOD AS A WEAPON. I MEAN, TOOL. YEAH. If you like this sandwich then you should put a ring on it. That's what the toothpicks are for.
Black and Blue Burger 5 of 10
Because that's the way your heart feels after a selfish person you love reveals to you their withholding, conditional nature and their need for you to be their endless narcissistic supply.
BLT: Bribes, Lettuce and Toxicity 6 of 10
Because if you're going to bribe a man with food and he's going to bribe you with a ring, you need some lettuce to offset the toxicity.
Fear, Obligation and Guilt Cheese 7 of 10
Fear, obligation and guilt are the glue in an unhealthy relationship, like the gooey cheese in this sandwich. Oh, these FOGwiches can be so intoxicating at first! But after eating enough of them for several years, they just might be the death of you. (Did your mother feed these to you when you were a kid? Maybe that's why you love them so much ...)
Asian Pork Wrapped in I-Want-a-Baby-Lettuce 8 of 10
This one's tough, and not just because it's not strictly a sandwich. The baby lettuce, it's so cute. You want it! But will your boyfriend be happy? After all, he wants sandwiches, and this only loosely qualifies as a wrap. But you've been up for 15 minutes already and haven't made a sandwich for him yet and you don't want to get yelled at or worse - lose him (!!!), so you go for the first thing that comes to mind. A baby. Lettuce. Baby lettuce.
Egg and Cheese 9 of 10
A simple recipe that betrays a complicated underlying issue. The cheese is maybe a bit aged and the eggs feel dry, BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR THIS SANDWICH TO FIND TRUE LOVE OR DECIDE THAT IT'S MORE TASTEFUL TO HAVE A BABY ALONE THAN WITH A DUDE WHO WILL ONLY DIVORCE HER AFTER THE BABY IS BORN BECAUSE THERE'S NO TIME ANYMORE FOR PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS SANDWICH-MAKING AND ALL THE BREAD IS COVERED IN SPILLED BREASTMILK.
Meatball Marinara with a Dash of Marital Rape 10 of 10
Because if you think keeping your demanding boyfriend happy is hard, wait until he becomes your demanding husband!
Photos via iStock.