This has been my pattern for most of my adult life. I attract men who either aren’t ready to be in a relationship, who aren’t single, or who can’t open up and connect emotionally. Even when I know this, I still date them.
I repeated my pattern just months ago with Ben.
Ben showed all the signs of unavailability. He didn’t confirm our first date. He said he would, and he didn’t. That showed me his word meant nothing, that he wasn’t dependable. When he did call, he told me he didn’t confirm because he forgot. He forgot me. I wasn’t on his mind. He disregarded our date. Yet I gave him a chance to prove me otherwise.
Fast-forward hours later. He texts that he will be late. Something about work. He apologizes, and I decide to be nice, to be understanding. He sets a new time of 8 p.m.
Next, 9 p.m. rolls around, and I am waiting for him to call me. I am sitting on my couch, dressed up in a white top with black and white leggings, and red pumps. I feel pretty and infuriated. I feel like a fool. I check my phone every few minutes and see nothing. Finally, he calls. He’s a few minutes away.
We meet a few blocks from my apartment complex. I am cold and distant. He notices. And I notice he’s wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. No effort. Because he thinks I don’t deserve it. Because I led him to believe this behavior is acceptable. Because I said “yes” when he showed no follow through, and so he isn’t following through.
Yet, I let him kiss me. Two hours into our date, he leans in and kisses me in public. I knew then and there that our “relationship” would be purely sexual.
And it was.
Because I date unavailable men. I have settled for less than I deserve time and time again. It is a struggle that I have lived with for most of my adult life. One that I am ready to demolish. I don’t want to survive in relationships. I want to thrive. I don’t want to prove to a man that I deserve love, consistency and respect. I want a man to know that I do.
It all begins with me. This year, I will make better choices. I already am. I let Brian go months ago. I refuse to settle. Moving forward, I will say “no” to mediocrity. I will only allow men in my life who reflect a Sujeiry who is ready for a love that is available.