Repeat Engagement
If I father another baby for my friends, will I be single forever?
by Jack Murnighan
January 4, 2007
That, then, is how Lars contributes to his Daddy staying single. But, in a way, my singleness contributed a lot to Lars too. In the years prior to agreeing to try to make him, I dated plenty, but I was becoming more and more despondent and fatalistic about human relations. I suffer from a sizable slice of Weltschmerz, meaning that I have a hard time keeping idealizations out of my head and then end up being dissatisfied with the real. When Lars's moms asked me the momentous, marvelous question, part of me — not all — had clearly stopped believing I was going to have the normal, nuclear family I had always imagined. Now, two-and-a-half years and a broken-off engagement later, I'm not sure I'm much more optimistic.
And so we begin to plan for our next. Krista takes vitamins, keeps track of the calendar, and goes to see an acupunturist who specializes in fertility; I practice my part of the process, though I kind of think I have it down by now. Really I try to imagine how a second child would change things. I loathe those double-wide strollers that take up the whole sidewalk (thank god for the front-and-back ones), and I see the beleagured moms trying to change one while keeping the other from running into oncoming traffic. It's fatiguing just to watch. Plus, I know from experience that two boys a gang do make, with all accompanying mischief. Are two lesbians ready for that? Am I? The practicalities seem a little daunting. With my private visitation time, will I always take them both? Can I do it? (I still really don't know how effective a parent I am.) And will Krista, Betsy and I be even more fused than we are now? Could that be a good thing? I'm not ready to live in a commune; I'm not ready to give up on getting married myself. But doesn't my son deserve a sibling? They said they won't do it with anyone but me, so it's my decision to make. And, as much as I already love him, don't I still feel I have a ton of love left to give?
The little outlaw beams when he sees me — or so it seems to this proud dad. People say we look alike (yes, he's rather lithe of limb and capacious of cranium), but I don't really see it. To me, he's just enormously adorable, too cute for words, almost too cute for emotions. It's hard to feel worthy of such a blessing (especially considering how few diapers I've changed), but Krista and Betsy keep welcoming me back, and Lars is always willing to roll the ball back and forth. That's why I have no regrets. My life isn't exactly full, but it's a lot fuller than it used to be. And soon, I hope, our loving, happy, slightly irregular but highly workable family will, once more, extend.
©2007 Jack Murnighan and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Jack Murnighan is a freelance writer and editor. He lives in New York but busses to Philly two days a week to teach at the University of the Arts and to spend time with his son, Lars, and Lars's two mommies. He can be reached at ondemandediting@gmail.com. |
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