Tales From the Delivery Room
25 funny quotes about birth from new dads
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Tastier alternatives
After he saw the placenta he said he was in the mood for meatloaf. — Submitted by Tabitha
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Big fat bribe
“Hey doc, I'll throw you an extra 100 bucks if you throw in an extra stitch!” — Submitted by Cindy
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Sew not funny
My hubs said, “Is this when we joke about the extra stitch?” when my doctor was about to sew up my episiotomy. The doc, without missing a beat, says, “Yes, but no one ever laughs.”
— Submitted by Meredith -
Better than science class
"Oh neat, I can see your insides!"
— Submitted by Kimberly -
Ownership
"Is that mine?” I could have killed him.
— Submitted by Stephanie -
Yes
“Oh my God, can you feel that?!”
— Submitted by Monique -
Disinterested
“I have no desire to see any of this.”
— Submitted by Angela -
Getting ahead of himself
As the baby was crowning, he said: “Aw, the baby's so small! You can do this!” He didn't realize that crowning was only the very top of the head.
— Submitted by Ginger -
Ballsy statement
Right after my son came out my boyfriend said, “Did you see his balls? They're massive!”
— Submitted by Tricia -
Vacuum
While pushing: “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! I see his head!” I stopped pushing: “What the hell? You sucked his head back up!” I was very close to kicking him out of the room.
— Submitted by Eryn -
Standing no-vation
My husband complained about his back hurting from standing so long while I was in labor. Bad move, buddy.
— Submitted by KC -
Cheers
The Irish hubs said, “Where is the closest liquor store?”
— Submitted by Kristen -
Not very cord-ial
When asked to cut the cord, he told the doctor that’s what we pay him for!
— Submitted by Rachel -
Captain Obvious
“It smells like birth in here!” Wow, you think?!
— Submitted by Dena -
Bit of a stretch …
“Will it ever go back to its normal size?”
— Submitted by Timand -
A moo-ving experience
My hubby worked on a farm at the time and as I was waiting to push, he said, “It's no different than a cow giving birth.” Then my doctor decided to say, "Yeah, at least we won't have to hook up chains to pull out the baby like they sometimes do."
Yes, thank you, honey, for telling me I look like a cow in labor … I love you, too.
— Submitted by Rachel -
Dr. Dad
He put on his scrubs to go in with me. On top of getting his mask stuck and tangled in his beard, he told the nurse doing my catheter, “It’s okay, I'm a doctor.” I can't take him anywhere!
— Submitted by Lesley -
Third time's a charm?
Baby #3. Daddy is an expert, mommy has no drugs, mommy is in pain. He says, “You should be used to this by now, dear.”
— Submitted by Jody -
Spoiler alert
About 36 hours into labor, he's watching the contractions on the monitor, where the line goes up and back down showing each contraction and the intensity. Well, for some reason, you can see the line go up before I could feel it. He says, “Whoa! Here comes a HUGE one!” Not what I wanted to hear when just a minute prior I was SURE I was going to split in two!
— Submitted by Heidi -
Good hygiene
“Are your feet clean?” Who freaking cares?! There’s what feels like a watermelon coming out of my hoo-ha, I don’t care if my feet are clean!
— Submitted by Michaela -
Smells like an inappropriate moment
"Did you poop? 'Cause it smells like you might have."
— Submitted by Jessica -
Googly eyed
"Is this what it's supposed to look like?" Talking about our first covered in goo!
— Submitted by Christie -
The demon inside her
After I had my son, I asked my husband how things went because I was in and out during labor due to meds. He said, “Your stuff came alive like a monster.”
— Submitted by Jamie -
Men can be such dogs
When pushing, the nurse told me to get on all fours — that it would help. My husband says something along the lines of — "Oh yeah, doggie style ... That's how the baby got in there!" — with both our mothers standing by.
— Submitted by Samantha -
At least he's free
My hubby said he'd be my “dude-la” (cooler male version of a doula, I guess).
— Submitted by Tricia
These are hilarious. I can already feel the moms’ death glares after each of these statements.
Before I had my first I had a dream where my husband was acting like a preteen tool during the delivery. The doctor said “You’re crowning!” and he replied “Your MOM is crowning!” I told him about the dream the next day as an example of what he was absolutly not allowed to do while I was pushing people out of my lady business.
some are hilarious and some are just wrong! lol men can be so stupid
After I gave birth to our 2nd: “phew! I’m pretty tired now. I guess I’ll head home”.
While I was having my son my husband said “Hey hun, he has hair!” followed shortly thereafter by “How are you doing this, he’s HUGE!” The baby was two and a half weeks early and 8lbs 3oz. The worst comment though came from My father after I had my son after 25+ hours of labor and the little guy split me open in his rush to finally come out, my oh so sensitive father says “I think he needs a brother” Which just goes to prove that NO man should be in a delivery room if they don’t have the common sense to keep their idiot comments to themselves.
I hate that any list on Babble turns into an agonizingly slow to click thru slideshow! JUST make it is a regular one page list!!! ARGH!
My husband was convinced that I was dying. At one point, he said, “if you have to choose, pick her, we can always make another one”. The entire room fell so silent you could hear a pin drop.
we didnt find out what we were having so when our SON came out my husbands first words were ” he has a weiner”
I was cursing and yelling about the epidural not working and my husband turned to the nurse and said, “Maybe we should close the door, I think she might be scaring the people on the hospital tour.”
Looking at the monitor while I had a contractions, my hubby says “oh that was a light one, it wasn’t so bad!” yeah? You try to squeeze a small watermelon out of your privates and tell me if it hurts!
The one about the doggie-style had me in tears i was laughing so hard! that is so something my husband would say…lol!!!
After 34 hours of labor I went in for a C-section and my boyfriend got to look over the curtain and told me “your stomach is in a bucket, and there is some yellow stuff” it was nice to be told what my insides look like while I’m cut open…lol
Oh wow, I was laughing so hard I started crying. My hubby did some similar stuff, trying to make me giggle WHILE they were dicing me in half. Then he yelled at the doc and nurses for manhandling our daughter from the weight thingy to the incubator.
Hey doc, I’ll throw you an extra 100 bucks if you throw in an extra stitch!
What a friggin’ work of sh*t! Funny? That’s the sickest, most perverse, hateful and degrading thing I’ve heard in a very long time.
This is the funniest thing that I have read on Aol ever!!!
These make me feel so much better! My husband took a seat on the other side of the room and the nurses looked at him like he was some kind of a freak! “Get up here and help your wife,” they told him. He just stood there and I had to direct everything he did. “Can you give me some ice?” “Can you hold my leg a little higher?” And cut the cord??? Are you kidding? He’d rather have been set on fire! Idiot!
I’m sorry, but I laughed like crazy at #’s 23 & 24…just because it sounds like something my husband would say if we are ever blessed enough to have a child!!!! I’m sure that they wouldn’t be as funny if I were the one in labor though.