7 Things I Wish I Knew About Men Before I Got Married
If I had known an
ything about men or life or marriage, I may not have jumped into matrimony as young as I did. I was 22 when we started dating and 24 when we got married, so not crazy young, but young enough to have generated some disapproving sniffs. There was no shotgun or anything, it just seemed like a really good idea at the time — he was super cute, and I was in luuuuurvvve.
But I must admit, I got lucky, because looking back from my current advanced age, I had no idea what I was getting into. We’ve now been together for more than 15 years and we’re actually still happy. Happiness that took a lot of work on our part. So for those of you who, unlike me, want to think about taking the plunge before actually taking it, here are some things you should know about men that I had to learn the hard way …
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He will think you're spending too much money
I’m a low-maintenance woman who hates shopping. But that truth is irrelevant, because my husband constantly thinks I’m spending too much money.
And here’s why: most men react to certain expenditures like someone who has just woken from a 30-year coma.
“Milk costs $4 a gallon? Has the world gone mad?!”
Here it is in a nutshell: it costs my husband about $20 to get his hair cut — and that's with a generous tip. I once told my husband how much my best friend pays to get her hair done at a fancy salon, and he nearly passed a brick. I pay half what she does and I go to a place in the Walmart shopping center. But when he found out how much I was paying, I swear he needed to breathe into a paper bag to keep from passing out. -
He will want sweet, sweet lovin'
It continues to be a very big deal. What would once count as a foul becomes pretty normal. Especially after the arrival of offspring. Particularly if one of them is a light sleeper.
Your body may look different, you may be exhausted, or you may be preoccupied with unpaid bills or the fact that the house has caught on fire. Not important. Sexy time remains a critical priority for the health and happiness of the male species. -
You will learn stuff you didn't want to know
You will be forced to learn a lot about things that you may currently feel are boring as hell. It's whatever your husband is interested in. After a while, you’ll discover that you're an expert by default. I once found myself debating a stranger on the best baseball team in the 20th century, vigorously defending the Big Red Machine of the mid 1970s.
I would say that I resent this, but my husband has been forced to sit through so many episodes of House Hunters International that he now claims a 100% success rate in predicting which abode they’ll choose. It's an uncanny talent and one he wishes he never knew about, as he hates every minute of HGTV he is forced to watch. -
He will say things
Things that will make your blood boil. And he will have no bloody idea that he’s just said something that triggered an eye twitch and a severe episode of the raging B. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:
[Husband comes home from work to me cooking dinner and kids running around like unmedicated, rabid squirrels.]
Husband: “HOLY CROW — what’s that smell?!”
Self: “Your dinner. And that’s an extremely rude and disrespectful thing to say to me as you walk in the door.”
Husband: “What are you talking about? It smells like a turd in here. I’m not making an editorial comment about your cooking. It literally smells like poo in this house.”
Self: “Do you have any idea what it’s been like here for the past two hours? Your kids are insane and the dog knocked over the TV and I have a deadline tomorrow. I do NOT need you walking in here at the 11th hour to tell me the house is disgusting and your dinner is gross.”
Husband: “There’s a poopy diaper in the trash right here. A really big one.” [points to a trashcan about twelve inches from me, where sure enough an extremely ripe diaper is sitting right on top.] “Would you like me to take it out? It’s like a grown man did this.”
Self: “Ummmm … Yes.” -
There will be piles
When I was growing up, my grandmother in NJ would tell me that you would get “the piles” if you sat on the front stoop too long. She was talking about hemorrhoids. I'm talking about the stack of baseball books, alumni magazines, newspapers, and random other stuff that are literally formed into piles and left all over the house.
Let’s be clear on one thing: both are a pain in my ass.
And if you try to "clean up” these piles, you will have invariably thrown out something critically important, like tax documents or a birth certificate. Because a pile in the family room is a terrific place for essential documents. The piles make no sense and they crap up your house, but they are sacred.
I just read this to my husband, who raised one eyebrow and then looked meaningfully at a stack of Pottery Barn catalogues and Real Simple magazines.
::coughs, clears throat:: -
He will not want to fight with you
And if he’s smart, he won’t. But it took me a very long time to learn to pick my battles. It took him almost as long to mentally chart my menstrual cycle in order to figure out why I was behaving as if I was mentally unbalanced two days a month.
As much as you may despise a big fight, he probably hates it more. Especially if you’re a crier. Trust me, this is good information to have. -
He will get better with age
Look at Connery, he’s geriatric and still a pimp. I know that there’s a lot of discussion about mid-life crises and red sports cars and things like that. I also hate the idea that somehow men get better with age and women just get bigger pants. As a whole, I reject both notions as being universal. There are plenty of women, for example, who can’t handle the fact they’re aging, and react to it worse than men.
And maybe it’s just me, but I think people become more of who they are as they get older. So if you suspect that the dude you’re with is kind of a dick at his core, be prepared — he will only get more dickish.
Since I liked my husband enough to marry him in the first place, seeing how the best parts of him have distilled into an even more interesting person has been pretty great. Add in watching him become a father and seeing him handle the good and bad that life has thrown at us, and I come back to the same conclusion I started with.
I got lucky.
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Too true! All of it.
And it’s a hint about where I am in my menstrual cycle that I got teary-eyed over point seven.
Damn I love that big fool I married 10 years ago.
OMG!!! I totally try to throw out my husband’s things and I always end up throwing away the Holy Grail or something. It’s ridiculous. He has history magazines from TEN years ago. “I might want to read them again!” Heaven help me.
They need their own rooms. My husband has an office and in our last house it was *almost* time for me to call in Hoarders. But at least it helped with the living room being less crapped up. I would tell him it was time to move the pile to his office when it would get too tall and unstable and he would glare at me, then the dog would accidentally knock it over, and then he’d glare at me again and move it. By the way, I once threw out our W-2 forms because they were in a pile. xo, Julie
I really wish a would get better with age too ! How unfair is it that we have to choose plump or old? How annoyed was I when I learned that picking up jogging again after the baby would only make my skin sag and age me quicker! Unfair!
lmaooo that third one has me laughing soo hard right now its so true you learn things you dont want to and are unknowingly experts at what ever it is!
Mace Windu’s light saber is PURPLE for the record. A lot of people get that wrong. But not me. Not anymore. sigh… xo, Julie
How often do you get your hair done? I get mine done about every six months, and usually spend $100. My husband gets his hair cut approx every 6 weeks & also thinks nothing of dropping $20. Annually he spends about $173 & I spend $200. I love thinking about the look on his face when I presented my “ridiculously expensive hair maintance” in this light.
AMY! Yes!! I get mine done a little more often, maybe every 3 or 4 months. And I’m getting sort of crazy about touching up my roots or else I look like a crazy cat lady. But you’re right, over all it’s not that a big difference annually. I will you use your ninja-like math skillz to defeat his objections next time. HIII YA! xo, Julie
#8 All men are generalizable into a set of gender stereotype cliches.
Yeah, I gotta agree with Michelle on this. Your husband != all men.
Yeah, as far as I can tell, you learned that men are… human beings.
Also, I really dislike the use of the word “pimp” to mean “badass.” I think most of us can agree that actual pimps are pretty horrible people.
I see you’ve been spying on me again..except I’m the one with the piles. Oh, sorry, gotta go watch TRON again…
Tsk, tsk! Your humor piece should more accurately reflect the broad range of personality traits in the husband community. Funny, schmunny — we’re reading Strollerderby for factual reports!
I find both “pimp” and “badass” to be offensive… in addition to downplaying the negative impact of pimps on the hooking community, now we are being insensitive to the donkey community and/or those who do not have good asses.
*Served*
whats with all the twitchyness ^^^^???? sheesh. i couldnt agree more julie, luvs ya! and by the way i have no problem with the word pimp
Seriously? You only get smarter and funnier with every word you type. I love you, and sadly relate to every damn thing you write…
The crying thing actually worked well for me for a while until my husband decided to play the saddest movies he could find in marathon mode in order to desensitize himself to my tears.
The piles. OH MY GOD THE PILES. If I had only known.
I started reading this and was crying by the end from laughing so hard! It’s so true! My husband was sitting next to me stating “really hunny? really?” I’m still laughing and he gets up and turns on “Alvin and the Chipmunks”, and it just made me laugh harder. I got married at 25 the first time, biggest mistake of my life. I finally got married to the man I love at 30, and everything that I went through the first time is exactly what you blogged about! Thank you for the wonderful laugh and for blogging the truth about Marriage and being young
You are awesome…or we somehow married the same guy
I’ve been struggling with my darling husband since the baby came…these are all the reasons why. It’s nice to see them in print and know I’m not the only one! Thanks!
I stopped my wife’s attempt to manipulate me by crying by telling her that we couldn’t reach a solution to a problem while she was upset and walking away. Sometime later I heard her confiding to my sister in law “my tears don’t work on him”.
I like this post – you’re a good woman Julie!
“or the fact that the house has caught on fire. Not important. Sexy time remains a critical priority for the health and happiness of the male species. ”
…or the fact that there are 3 teenagers in the next room. Sheesh!
It’s hard to comment on this. In the first place, most of it is drivel. I had to stop reading, it was so trite. Second, it’s sprinkled through and through with so much crude language (lame attempt to sound, what, hip??) that I started cringing, more from embarrassment as from the language. Finally, it’s just poorly though out. Take point number two, sex remains important for husbands, but not wives? What century is this??
The whole article was correct for me except the piles one – I am the one with the piles of papers – I work out of my home. I read him the one about HGTV and he said ” Totally, along with the DIY channel!”
This article made me laugh. It’s so cute and true. Especially the last part. My husband and I got married at 19 and 21. She thinks she got disapproving sniffs? ha. Well dealing with the good and the bad together has proven to me ten fold I married the right man. Especially dealing with our infant daughters rare brain tumor. I couldn’t have gotten through any of it without him.
OMG this is so funny! and true!
Tsk, tsk! Your humor piece should more accurately reflect the broad range of personality traits in the husband community. Funny, schmunny — we’re reading Strollerderby for factual reports!
I find both “pimp” and “badass” to be offensive… in addition to downplaying the negative impact of pimps on the hooking community, now we are being insensitive to the donkey community and/or those who do not have good asses.
*Served*
Bravo LG! Now THAT’S funny! I love how that person was upset with the word pimp, but never mentioned dick/dickish. I guess dick’s are OK with her! I thought the article was very funny and true. Let’s not all get worked up about the english language. They’re words. And, frankly, they make the reading more interesting and yes, HIP!! And I don’t think that women not being as into sex as we get older has anything to do with what century we live in. Don’t worry, she’s not saying that you’re not allowed to like to have sex. But the reason that joke has lasted so long, is because it’s true. Maybe that reader has a housekeeper and no kids. Bravo Julie!
You have made the truth clear and concise. MOTHERS – Save your daughters from
finding out these points the hard way. PLEASE recite, request, memorize-
until THEY GET IT. Life / marriage, will Much Easier if you DO give them
this heads-up!
Kris took the words right out of my mouth. Well said.
I can totally relate to everything you said, especially the piles and the expert-by-association. I married a computer geek, and as a consequence I am now a low-level LAN expert, and we have computer carcass parts sitting around our living room. Every time I go to pick it up, I hear: “Don’t touch that, I’m working on it!”, even though said part has been sitting in the exact same spot for three months…
The entire article is crap and garbage. how long has she been married? When you get past 24 years then come talk to me. Sounds like you both have issues. Why call an older man a pimp? Pimps are disgusting ghetto creatures. Please do some actual research by talking to friends and colleagues before writing such a self serving piece of crap by thinking your husband represents all men.
Here it is girls, from a 50 year old dame who got married at 20 to a man 15 years her senior (can’t tell you how happy that made MY parents!), and I did the following things to make my marriage and my life great! Wonderful advice that I received from both my mother AND my father while I was growing up.
1) Get your college education AND your graduate degree no matter what
2) Doing the above means you have your OWN money. He doesn’t get a
vote about how much you spend on your hair care, facials, massages, etc.
3) Make sure you are honest with him when you’re dating/courting, etc., about
how much or how little you like sex. I love sex, told him I loved sex, told
him he better love sex, and if he didn’t it was a deal-breaker
4) You have junk, he has junk…so what?
5) You like certain tv shows, he likes certain tv shows. Have 2 TV’s
6) Make darn sure you are clear-eyed when it comes to how he treats his
mother, sisters, female co-workers, etc. It will tell you everything you need
to know
7) He’s not a mind reader, never will be. TELL HIM what you need, what you
want, what’s important to you. It will not come to him in a dream!
8) Don’t put him, yourself or your love life on the back burner when you have
children. YOU should be the center of their universe, not the other way
around
9) Probably the most important of all…There’s no such beast as “all men”…
Not all men are pigs, not all men are lazy father’s, not all men……..got it?
Most of this blog was ludicrious.
“I got lucky”. You sound like one of my friends who always portrayed a very happy marriage and BOOM there was a divorce she could not explain! Secondly, this whole menstrual thingy with women being funny some days of the month. IT IS ONLY IN AMERICA that this apparently happens to its women..Ugh! Elsewhere women are pretty normal during their periods.
Susan you hit the nail on the head…lol AND I also agree with most of the other report. I saw no need to use the word ‘pimp’, but they got their point across. Good day to All and May God bless you!!!
Sometimes I do think that my husband is living in the 1970′s. He dresses nice, athletic wear. He’s in his 50s but doesn’t look it. Hair Cuts, not, I bought him Barber Clippers and told him to cut his own hair. He thinks a loaf of bread is $1 and he thinks Tide costs $3. Forget the toilet tissue, he thinks thats $1 too the way he uses it. I told him it is unsanitary to keep using sponges for the dishes and low and behold, Mr. Clean cleans the dishes, the counter with the sponge and thinks rinsing it out solves all the problems. He vacuums one spot when he moves something like a chair, or if he sees a piece on lint. Just pick it up! Gee! He doesn’t know the difference between MPH as opposed to MPG . He thinks the MPG is the distance so if the take says 33 mi to E he thinks that you can’t go over 33 mph.
Soooo true…if you suspect your husband is mean at core he will only get meaner! lol I found this out the hard way and this is why I said peace out! I don’t want to be fighting and waste my energy responding as a total B. That’s not me and I just want to be happy so we are divorcing. Best decision I ever made.
Great observations!!!!!
Right, you shouldn’t have married. Oh, all the same may be said of women. Women have proven themselves to be as dirty, self-centered and insincere as you accuse men of being. Look around, female teachers molesting students, killing their children on and on. Careful girls you’ve become as bad as the men you hate!
So if you suspect that the dude you’re with is kind of a dick at his core, be prepared — he will only get more dickish.
Hahah. That’s true, things only get uncovered and some truths you learn are very painful (like when he says you’re the only girl he even notices until you uncover his recent porn collection) but you deal with it if you’ve really become family. Really, this is a good article, not to demeaning for either side, just honest differences…for me the shopping one rang a bell. We don’t really fight about money or have that issue between us (though money is an issue) so it’s not a big deal, but he often looks at price tags and balks when we’re having family time in town or get something that benefits all of us, but when it’s a fun toy he wants that’s hundreds, if not thousands, it’s a deal! I also get discount haircuts and barely buy clothes, and I hate both of those facts, but I do like not spending the time or money on them.
Everything said in the article is true about my spouse. There’s just one thing though… my spouse is my WIFE! Therefore, for me this article is nothing more than a steaming turd.
Oh, one more thing… milk costs $4 a gallon?? I don’t know where you’re from, but it only costs $3 a gallon where I live.
funny! as a man i’ll concede the truth i see here. not embarrassing. nor should my now ex be embarrassed by the truths about her she should see. true i hated to fight with her, but couldn’t live with being misunderstood. happiness takes work as well as acceptance, she refused to do the work involved, and often decided things only on how she felt. and that was all she was left with. i had the dignity of at least banging my head against the wall time after time and still refusing to quit, and still supporting her, even though she failed to support me time after time. nice to see common humanity in women, it’s been a little lonely lo these 8 yrs. trying to get over it all. in the worst of my childhood, i prayed constantly for god to help me save the beauty of heart that he gave me ( i felt i was drowning), and he did that i would have died before giving up, but when she divorced me, i was free, i’d kept my vow. finally can think of a woman being in my life again without fears of needing a catscan. hope she has a sense of humor, it’d help.
@BN:
I love how you stereotype all women and accuse us of the same exact thing. Most women do not hate men, and vice versa (as far as I know). I’m sorry that you abhor females, but you’ll have to deal with us until the day you die. Go kill yourself if you hate women so much. You won’t have to manage with our “dirty, self-centered and insincere” ways anymore. I’m so glad that most of the men I know aren’t like you.
Happy life,everyone loves.How lucky!!!
I met my husband on a dating site_sugardaddylove.com___ , we get married now and live a hppy life . I am a happy woman. Hope you will….
Maybe your husband did get better with age, if so, I’m happy for you. But I truly believe your experience is few and far between. I’ve been married for 39 years and if I outlive my husband, never, ever, ever, in a million, trillion years would I let another man in my life. I’ve never met such a selfish, self centered, babyish creature who takes credit for everything he was too lazy to put down his can of beer and get off his rear to do. Jerks.
Thank you! As a male it is nice to have a perspective on what annoys females.
And don’t tell your husband, but I think that Pottery Barn catalogs are perfectly acceptable to keep around provided you can still order something from them.
So, being equally yoked isn’t important anymore? I guess that went out with the women’s progressive movement…*sigh*
am not married yet, but am sure i will get the best, just commit your ways to God he will surely give you the best…
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Just a huge thank you for this sprightly well versed piece!! Enjoyed reading and still waiting for that guy to come along where I can say– “Yeah, I got lucky!” … too!