Pretty Girls Don't Poop and Other Untruths of the Male Imagination
In the infamous words of George Costanza, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.”
We all believe half-truths to make sense of the nonsensical to some degree. When it comes to solving mysteries of the opposite sex, one could argue reconciliation by half-truths is better than nothing at all.
In an attempt to understand the complexities of women, men have developed a series of convenient female ”truths”. Follow me as I attempt to set the record straight after the jump!
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Women fantasize about other women
Men, you fantasize about women fantasizing about other women. When in fact, we fantasize about Ryan Gosling or Christian Grey...or Ryan Gosling as Christian Grey.
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Girls' nights involve sexy pillow fights
Sexy pillow fights have never once existed outside of a Katy Perry video. Check out these 5 Hilariously Sexy Things Men Think Women Do on Girls' Night.
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You're the best she's ever had in the sack
You just might be...but then again you might not be. What is she going to do, tell you she's had better? C'mon.
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Women are desperate to get married
Relax Romeo, women aren't racing to the altar. The National Center for Health Statistics found 40% of women have never been married, with even fewer in their first marriage. So relax, enjoy, and think about putting a ring on it when the time is right.
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Women feel indifferent toward sex
We're not. In fact, when we're not tired/PMSing/too cold/bloated/stressed/craving chocolate, we're so totally hot for you.
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Murder is contagious
Snapped is a true crime television show about women who "snap" and commit murder. While we women love it, men without exception fear the crazy is contagious. It's not...or is it? Bwahahahaha!
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Women want lots of babies
Do you honestly think we want babies so dang bad we don't even care what you want (or don't want)? Or worse yet, that we'll resort to all kinds of female voodoo to trap you into child support forever? I'm not saying this never happens but it's the exception, not the rule. Let's chalk female trickery up to a few bad apples.
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Women want your money
What we want is your ability to support yourself. We're happy to give you sugar, but we ain't your Sugar Mama.
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Women go to the bathroom in groups to talk about you
We go to the bathroom in groups because the line is so damn long that we need people to talk to whilst hating on ourselves in fluorescent lighting.
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Women hang out naked, or at least in sexy lingerie
Most women I know go from naked to fully clothed in 1.7 seconds. We do like sexy lingerie, UNDER OUR CLOTHES.
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Women likey-wikey baby talk
Except we don't. Like ever. Baby talk is never sexy, because babies aren't sexy. Call us an endearing nickname if you must, but say it like a man, dammit!
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Women don't go for the nice guys
We love nice guys; nice guys with backbones.
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Women don't need you
In a fit of anger we might scream (rather convincingly) that we don't need you. The truth is we do need you...until you piss us off again and we don't.
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Women like to be called/texted all the time
Beef up that cell plan, we want you to call and/or text in 15 minute intervals throughout the day. Bonus love points for cutesy emoticons. Not. Call when you have something to say. Check in periodically when you miss us. Send a sweet text if you want to. Otherwise leave us alone; we're busy!
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Pretty girls don't poop
We know you know pretty girls poop. We also know you don't want to know, but you know what's grosser than a pretty girl pooping? A pretty girl not pooping.
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Women have grand romantic expectations
We don't need big, embarrassing public displays of adoration. It's all about listening to the little things and showing you care. Do it because you want to and we'll do you because we want to.
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Women possess the crazy gene
We all have the capacity for a little cray cray when pushed to the brink (especially via nasty breakup). Lady-crazy doesn't mean we'll boil your bunny or key your ride, but we might stalk your Facebook and rebound with Ben & Jerry. And by "might" I mean definitely.
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For even more full disclosure fun, check out The 20 Secrets All Women Keep.
Have any of your own myths of the male imagination to share?
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Um… among the many things that are wrong with this article, it’s kind of amazing that you’re not aware of women who commonly fantasize about other women. They are called “lesbians.” Ever heard of them? cripes.
I don’t know any man who thinks pretty girls don’t poop. That’s just so weird. Could you imagine that? Then again, maybe it’s a pun for being toxic? (pretty girls like to party, etc.)
Don’t worry. The kinds of men you’re talking about in this article are breeding themselves out of existence. They’re the kinds of men women like me date until we realize that it’s better to be treated like a human being instead of a caricature. The men you’re talking about will gladly let you do their half of the chores and will expect you to be “cool” about them using porn and cheating on you. This kind of guy is incapable of seeing any woman as a complicated human being and will put you in your place by calling you a nag and dismissing you as having PMS. These guys are a dime a dozen, but with women being 55% of college graduates, it’s only a matter of time before we decide that swagger sans substance is soooo not worth the effort.
Oh, teehee! It’s so funny to treat gay people as though they’re invisible!
Seriously – if you were “waiting for that comment,” maybe you shouldn’t have included that as an item on your list.
I guess this might be true for Jeffrey Goldstein here, that is if he’s what you mean by “men”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=3sQEb9TSACY
Sorry, not willing to slog through the stock images slideshow in order to hear what you have to say. Use your words.
Linda, c’mon, girl! I would totally love to hear your thoughts on this one!
Excuse me? Yes they do get naked and have pillow fights which evolve into kissing and touching and stuff. I’ve never seen it but I’m positive that’s how it goes! Please don’t scare me like that again! How cruel!
Today has been my day for looking at random things on yahoo, since I’m sick and house-bound. This made me laugh. A lot. I think it’s funny what men think are true. Some is. Did a man make this paragragh?
Ok, if you’re not a lesbian then no, we do not fantasize about other women. We are a little more inclined to run around in our underwear – which mine always match and are cute because I think that this makes a women feel much better about herself. But one “myth” that is truth – No we really don’t need men! (and not because we are lesbians) It’s ok to want to have a friend, partner around but they truly aren’t needed.