Toddlers and Biting: Breakdown on the Skin Breaking
About a week ago, some girlfriends and I were chatting about biting in daycare/preschool/toddler activities.
Because let’s face it – it happens and it sucks. It sucks to be parent of the kid that gets bit and it sucks to be the parent of the biter. It makes you feel ragey and helpless and frustrated on both ends and gosh darn it, it’s not like you bite your kid at home! (Right? gosh, I hope you don’t.) So where did your child learn this nasty habit? But remember – biting is awful, but it is also 100% normal. It happens in daycare, but it also happens on the playground, in ballet class, and between siblings. So stock up on Dora bandaids.
Here are the ins and outs of toddler biting, from why they do it to what you can do and why to not be a jerk-face about it:
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It's completely, 100% normal
That doesn't mean it's okay. But it is a normal phase and it will end.
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When young babies and toddlers do it
This is mostly when they're teething or hungry or tired...or just exploring their new world. They don't have words to use just yet, so physical expression is what they rely on.
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When older toddlers do it
Older toddlers usually bite out of frustration, anger, and developmental delay.
More on the connection between toddler speech delay and biting -
Intervene
Separate the children. Use time-outs. Say "NO BITE" in a firm voice each time.
More on how to correct the behavior in a daycare setting -
Don't over-react
When you over-react, your toddler feeds off your anxiety. So don't keep harping on it over dinner, on the way to school, etc. Don't make a big fuss out of the injury or out of the bite.
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Don't allow biting back
That whole "let her get bit so she knows how it feels?" Rubbish. It only hammers home that biting is acceptable.
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It's rarely dangerous
I'd wager that most toddlers don't have rabies, even though they may act like it. It hurts, but biting rarely requires stitches or medical intervention past washing and a bandaid.
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It sucks when it's your kid that is bitten
Nothing will make momma bear roar like seeing her cub get hurt. You want it to be fixed right now, but remember that any learning development is a process. Just make sure your baby knows that biting is not okay, even if she's bitten.
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It's humiliating to be that parent
Unless the other parents have experienced this, the glares and whispers about how your kid is "that kid" is absoultely gut-wrenching. You feel like a social pariah. But keep your chin up and focus on fixing the problem rather than getting sucked into the he-said-she-said.
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Make sure she's getting enough sleep
An over-tired or hungry or over-stimulated toddler is far more likely to bite. Be sure that play is structured enough, with plenty of toys and a routine so she'll know what to expect.
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Speech delays
Speech delays are the biggest trigger for biting, simply because they're a way for a child to express himself when words don't work. If your child can't say "Hey, I was playing with that! Give it back!" he may be more likely to retaliate or protest physically - aka biting. If you child has a speech delay, talk to the pediatrician or speech therapist on ways he can express himself physically that won't harm others (or himself!).
More on the connection between toddler speech delay and biting -
It may be time for a new daycare/preschool/activity
If the biting won't stop, that may be an indicator that this is not the place for your toddler. Not saying that the daycare or activity is necessarily a bad place, but that it is not a good fit for your toddler. Try something different.
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Don't be smug
It could be your kid next.
Have you had experience with a biter? What did you do?
Much of this advice comes from my pediatrician, so make sure to talk to your doctor!
More from BA:
Common mom ruts & what you can do to snap out of them.
I’m okay with “toddlers being “princesses.”
Trouble making or keeping mom friends? Here’s my secret.
Beth Anne writes words & takes pictures at Okay, BA! You can also find her on theTwitters & Facebook.
all images courtesy of istock photo.
Oh BA,
This momma bear was hear broken. We decided it was best to pull him out and wait until he’s four to start preschool (at a different school). He needs more structure than what they provided. The worst part was the “director” of the preschool telling me that I was doing a disservice to my child by pulling him out. I would never say the school was bad, but it was not right for him. Needless to say, we have done lots of other programs since then and no biting has occurred. Sometimes you just have to listen to your child.
Thank you for posting this! We recently had an issue with biting. Our son started preschool this year at 3 years old. He got bit his 3rd week there and then he went on a biting spree. He had never bitten anyone before. He would bite any time anyone attempted to take something from him. I was sick to my stomach. My kid was “that kid”! Something in the class was over stimulating him, causing him to feel threatened. It also did not help that every time he would bite someone, they would “redirect” him to the train table instead of giving him a timeout by te teachers side. He loves trains, so talk about mixed messages! There were the inevitable side glances and looks. He was being shunned by some kids.
I think one of the best things my son’s class has done is give them some simple phrases for situations that might otherwise lead to something like biting, the most often used being “walk away!” with a hand up. It’s their way of saying “get up out of my face because I’m about to go ape *@#$ on you.” It’s been really effective.