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10 Etsy Finds for Toddlers Youll Never Find on My Toddler

Toddler dance shorts

More suited for a drag queen than a toddler, no?

There’s no question that Etsy is totally awesome. Except when it’s not. At which time it can be awesomely awful.

Different strokes for different folks, and all. That being said, while some parents might think the following items are perfect for their toddlers, these are items that will never, ever be in my younger daughter‘s wardrobe.

Take a look and see if you’d let these clothes touch your toddler (just realize if you say yes, I’m pretty sure that means our kids can never be friends):

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  • This head of yellow lettuce 1 of 10
    This head of yellow lettuce
    Because roughage should only be worn on the head if you're the comedic foil in a silent movie from 1929.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • This marabou shrug 2 of 10
    This marabou shrug
    The only stork my daughter should know from is the imaginary one who brought her to our family.
    And the only thing around her neck should be her neck. Unless choking hazards have finally come off the No-No list for toddlers?
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • This shirt 3 of 10
    This shirt
    While I see the humor in pretending my toddler is drinking beer upside down (although, on second thought, not at all), I'd prefer we save funny shirts about excessive consumption of alcohol for her Sweet Sixteen.
    Oh, wait.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • These stripper shorts 4 of 10
    These stripper shorts
    Because despite the fact that daughter could actually take a pole dancing class when she turns 5, I would like her to aspire to a career where she gets paid through direct deposit in an actual bank, not in her panties.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • Or these stripper shorts 5 of 10
    Or these stripper shorts
    That being said, should my toddler daughter one day reveal herself to actually be a gay man in drag, I will buy her a pair like this for every day of the week.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • Ditto for these 6 of 10
    Ditto for these
    What Borat would have worn if the mankini hadn't worked out.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • Anything in this photo 7 of 10
    Anything in this photo
    Not one thing. Together or separate. But mostly together. Although also separate.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • This hat 8 of 10
    This hat
    Phyllis Diller called. She said her hair died with her in August and she'd like to keep it that way.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • This headband 9 of 10
    This headband
    We get it; she's a girl. Now that we've established that as fact, is it really necessary to scream it from the top of her head with this fabric equivalent of a cupcake?
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here
  • These shoes 10 of 10
    These shoes
    You're either a fuzzy slipper or you're a moccasin. When you try to be both, you fail and what you actually become is the butt of a potentially very offensive joke.
    Feelings aren't facts. If you like this, you can buy it here

More from Meredith on Toddler Times:

Read (even) more from Meredith at Babble’s Strollerderby, follow her on Twitter, and check out her weekly syndicated newspaper column at MeredithCarroll.com

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