10 Things I DON'T Do as a Mama of a Toddler
Emily
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I’m a mom of two young children. I DO a lot of things with them, and for them, every. single. day. And day, after day, after day.
I’m a mom, doing things is just what we do, right?
But, sometimes I think in the world of blogging you can read about a mom, her kids and her family, her home, and everything that she does, and think that she does it all. Somehow the words on the screen become larger than life, as if it what she writes is all of what her life is about, and it starts to seem like she’s a supermom. That she does it all and has it all together. I know I’ve felt that way when I read other women’s blogs.
But, the blog posts and the pictures are not the whole of the life she leads behind her computer screen. The reality is she’s a mom, and just like every other mom, has her good days and bad days, and the days where the dishes get left piled up in the sink and the toys are strewn about on the floor, and she yells at her kids, again. And when I say “she” here, I, of course, mean “me”.
Maybe you don’t think I’m a supermom, and that’s okay, because I’m so definitely not. But maybe you wonder how I do all of the things I seem to do, or maybe you’ve read another blog and have thought that about the mom who writes it. Well for every thing that I do, there are probably at least two things that I don’t do. You just don’t hear about the “don’ts” as often.
I was thinking the other day about how I don’t sit on the floor and play with my kids very often. Almost never, actually. And I was starting to feel bad about it. Then, I started to think of all of the different things that I don’t do as a mom of a toddler. And I felt really bad.
A little while later though, I began to think of all of the things that I do as a mom, and I decided I was okay with at least most of the things that I don’t do. Because I’m really happy with the things that I am able to do, and it’s okay to not be able to do everything.
I thought that some of you mamas might be able to relate to feeling bad about things that you don’t do with your kids. So, I just wanted to be real and share ten of the the things that I don’t do as a mama of a toddler.
And I’d love to hear in the comments the things that you don’t do, and whether you’re okay with it, or if you feel guilty about it sometimes, like I do.
Okay, so here we go.
I DON’T:
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Sit on the Floor and Play
I rarely sit on the floor and play with my kids. It just never works out well when I try to, actually. My kids are pretty strong willed and have a certain idea of how they want to play, and when I don't play exactly how they want, they get mad at me. They're really good at playing by themselves together, which is nice because then I can get other stuff done. I do sometimes sit and do puzzles with them, which is something we both can enjoy.
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Teach Letters and Numbers
I tried with my daughter to make flashcards and help her learn her letters and numbers, but she would always resist sitting still and "learning" with me, so I just gave it up, and you know what, she learned them all anyway. And my son is well on his way, without any "teaching" from me.
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Bathe My Kids Every Day (Or Even Every-Other Day)
Especially in the winter time, but really all year round, we only bathe our kids a few times a week. Part of it is because I don't think it's good for their skin to bathe every day, but it's also somewhat due to laziness, it is definitely a chore to get those two scrubbed and clean in the tub, not something I want to worry about doing on a daily basis.
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Leave My Kids With a Sitter
This one I do feel bad about because I know it's important for my hubs and I to have date nights and get time by ourselves. But, we just don't really feel comfortable having someone else put our kids to bed - partly for our kids, and partly for the sitter, because our kids are not the easiest to get to sleep at night. We do leave them with family sometimes, which is great, because it's free. Sitters are also expensive!
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Exercise
This one I do off and on, depending on the season and what else is going on in my life. We do have a great jogging stroller and I love to take my kids running, but they are HEAVY! And now that I'm pregnant and it's colder outside about the most exercise I get is an occasional walk around the block.
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Do Crafts
I do not try to pretend that I am a crafty mama, I'm just not. My kids love to do art and create, and I do let them do a lot of that. But, to sit down and do an actual planned craft usually just results in a lot of stress and a lot of mess. I wish I was more crafty, but it's just not one of my strong suits.
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Throw Crazy Birthday Parties
Like with crafting, I'm also not a super creative party planning kind of mama. We try our best to make our kids feel extra special on their birthday, but an elaborate themed party is not a part of that plan.
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Let Him Help Me Cook
Some moms are great at letting their kids help them in the kitchen, I am not one of those moms. Now that my daughter is older, she can help a little, but my son just ends up hurting more than helping, and I just get frustrated. I try to keep him as far away from the kitchen as possible while I'm cooking — at least for now.
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Get Professional Photos Taken
We have never had professional photos of our kids or family taken. Do I regret it? Kind of. But we are on a tight budget and it's just not really something we've been able to afford. My awesome friend, who is great at photography, took some family photos of us recently, and I'm perfectly happy with them. Now, I just need to get them printed out and hung up in the house — which is something else I don't do very well.
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Change Him as Often as I Should
There are times when my son goes for longer than he probably should between diaper changes. Sometimes it's just because I'm busy and forget, other times I'm just avoiding it. It's getting a little better now since I can just take off his diaper and let him run around naked and know that he'll use the potty.
Now it’s your turn — Let’s share what we don’t do so we can help each other remember than none of us are supermom!
See my response to all of the comments on this post — both the positive and the negative ones — The Gift of Being a Parent.
I LOVE this! I am a stay at home mom and I read blogs often to pass the time and I am constantly feeling like a huge bum for not being like these “super moms” I read about. A huge gripe I have is how these ladies are able to take their kids out of the house. I have a 4,3,2,and 1 yr old and am pregnant with the 5th. There are several blogs I follow with similar family situations and there’s always some mom talking about taking her kids to the store or whatever. This would be a physical impossibility for me, and I am about to drive to these peoples homes to watch them do it because I just don’t think I believe them otherwise. I don’t do just about all of the above that you mentioned because I just don’t have time to do all of that and the necessities and not go nuts. And, YES, I feel bad about it….all the time. That said, I am about to go put 3 of my 4 to nap now (my 3yr old still has a binky and I couldn’t care less) and no I will not be doing a craft project or paint a hallway while they are sleeping. I will however be sitting my behind on the couch and watch something that’s not a cartoon for a while (and later this afternoon, if my kids whine enough, I will probably let them watch 3hrs of Dora because it’s December and there’s nothing else for them to do!)
Sarah – I can imagine how hard it is for you to get out of the house! I have a hard enough time with my 4 and 2 yr olds! I always wonder that about moms with lots of young kids too. Thanks for your comment!
Well don’t you seem like oodles of fun…
So enjoyable! I kept clicking thru them and saying, “Yep, I don’t do that either!” and for many of the same reasons! I
I am starting to wonder if I secretly wrote this and wasn’t aware? I feel so guilty for not sitting in the floor playing with my kids but its usually the only chance I get to do a few dishes or get myself ready for the day etc. My kids can entertain themselves like champs though and I don’t regret that at all. Thank you for making me not feel like a failure.
Thank you for being real- I can relate to many of those things- pictures, parties, and not always changing his pee diapers when we are out and on the go- they can hold A LOT!
As my son gets older and has those toddler challenges that are just so fun, I am also rethinking what a “good mom” is and feel sooo guilty for criticizing MY mom when I was growing up!
Gee, I feel like I need to give a disclaimer assuring that I do some fun good mom things, we read a lot, my son is clean, healthy and well loved, etc. before I confess:
I don’t make him breakfast on week day mornings- he eats a cereal bar or waffle in the car on the way to daycare.
I don’t push the vegetables because I give up (temporarily).
I don’t always know what to say to my son when we are eating together or in the car! There is a lot of talk about cars, trucks, colors, letters we see….we listen to a lot of kid music!
I could have written most of this post! So nice to know there are others out there like me
Brush teeth, terrible.I am sensory defensive and so is he. People who complain about how hard it is to brush describe a child1/10 th the fury. If I can him to swipe he teeth with a brush they are clean. I know how much it hurts so 5 brushes a week is good
Thank you for this post. I often feel awful hearing or reading other moms because I don’t do this stuff either, also mainly for the reasons you wrote – and I only have one kid! But when I think about it, I’m fine with how I do things. So glad to see other moms are too.
What was number 11? Feed them. You suck at this whole parent thing.
Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart! I’m a stay home mom who’s on one of the bad days today, and I really needed to see this post. I came online to un-stress and get some space from the chaos while they nap! I also don’t bathe them often (actually, twice a month….please don’t think I’m gross, but they don’t play outside much and we have no tub since renovating!). And we don’t do professional photos, crafts or sitters either. Along with someone else who wrote in, I don’t brush teeth every day because the kids get so crazy and frustrating about it, and their teeth have been healthy regardless. I read years ago that diet is the factor more than brushing, and that juice drinking (even with brushing) causes cavities more than just not brushing. We don’t eat sugar, juice or anything processed, so I’m okay with only once a week or so of brushing…I can say that after a couple years of terrible tantrums every night in the bathroom when I felt guilty if they didn’t brush!
Thank you for writing this!!!!! We all start feeling horrible because we can not do some of these things…I am craft challenged also and so it is great when someone else admits they are in the same boat!
You can’t imagine how much I needed this right now.
I have too much guilt to list the things I don’t do. But it would look similar to your list. But I would add that I don’t always do my daughter’s therapy with her, like I should. She has a neuromuscular condition and isn’t walking yet, at 26 month. I’m supposed to be using a bunch of little contraptions to encourage strength building but some days I’m just too tired to fight with her.
You ALL make me feel alot better! I am a single mom of a 2yr old boy, and have severe Lupus on top of it. So I don’t do those things very often either, and Im always beating myself up for it, even though sometimes I am in so much physical pain, I CAN’T do them. So to know that ‘regular’ (lol) moms do that, and feel that way to makes me feel alot less guilty. The way I figure, as long as he’s happy and healthy, the rest doesn’t matter!
I have to say that i dont do any of those things on the list. I do feel awful about it because I only have one but after class 2 days a week and usually working 70 hours a week to provide for my family so my husband can stay at home with our daughter. It was nice not having to pay for daycare for the past 4 years. We are thinking about having another and I am willing to do that all over again so he/she doesn’t have to go to daycare. And lets face it, No man that i have met is any type of way crafty. My daughter has a very creative mind and there are days where i tell her no tv so she will go use her imagination with her toys and it allows me to do my homework. It is nice to know that I’m not the only mom who doesnt do certain things and their children are perfectly fine. Thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I identify with a whole bunch of these (though I am crafty and love party planning) and it’s so nice to find out someone else doesn’t bathe her kids every day AND sees it as much of a chore as I do!
Ha, oops, you saw inside my house, didn’t you?
Sometimes my 2-year-old tells me he doesn’t want changed when I know he needs to. Okay, well, it can wait until he’s feeling more cooperative. I hate playing on the floor — but I do other stuff with them (cooking, when I’m not testing recipes or doing something complicated; building legos; going to playgrounds and reading books). I do teach letters/numbers but in a super casual way, because they are into it. I mean to plan parties…but I don’t. I still take them out for a balloon and ice cream. Never leave them with a sitter. And baths? My daughter screams and scrambles like a wild animal if I try to wash her hair, so I rarely ever do — just get it wet and call it good.
These days we rarely leave the house. :/ I want to, but the baby naps around 10 and 1 so when do we go? …we don’t, usually. Oh, and sometimes I let them rummage in the pantry or fridge instead of making proper meals. They had tuna and toast with honey for lunch today. Oh well….
I could relate to many of these. Only one or two of them are actually things we do on a regular basis. I love arts and crafts so I dont ever think twice about making fun crafty messes and I do bathe the kids everynight..Not because I want to, I think their skin wouldnt be so dry if they did not bathe every night..But they LOVE bath time and argue with me if I give the idea of no bath..
Its too funny reading this, because it felt like I wrote this myself. I do what I can when I can, and I won’t feel guilty about not doing it all, all the time. Sorry society, Im raising a human being, and I am a human being. None of us are perfect. Us mothers really need to say “the hell with society and its unobtainable standards!” We are raising our children to suit us, not anyone else. So embrace the one life we for sure get, and do things the way you want to. As long as our children grow up to be healthy and happy, thats all that matters. Period.
I can relate to most of those. I feel loads better reading this. I haAnd if anyone else has a child that happens to need extra attention know a child with special needs it is a challenge. I constantly struggle with guilt about giving one child more attention over the other. And I have so little time for anything. Between all of my sons therapies and my others school stuff I barely have time to take a shower. Its never ending. I am glad you wrote this. It doesnt make me feel so bad.
Usually i can understand someones point of view but I strongly disagree with 6 of those things. That woman comes off as though she feels like she bothers her children and avoids activities. It is important to interact with your child and sitting on the floor playing with them is one of the easiest ways of doing. If your worried your child wont want to play with them try have them “teach” a game they like to play or ask them if you can help them build something with their legos. Not only do the children love it but it teaches them sharing and social skills. Teaching your child is fun and easy also. I hate flash carsds, they are pointless. But a great way to teach your child letters and numbers is by having them figured out the letters on a package or from words on their clothes or a book. With numbers we use sponge shaped numbers (and letters) and put them in the water play bucket so while the children have water play they can feel the numbers and letter. Parents NEED to go out. If you can leave them with family that’s great but not everyone can. Sitters aren’t bad people and your not a bad parent for leaving them with a sitter. How is a child supposed to learn independence if they are home with the parents 24/7? And how parents supposed to stay connected and nurture their relationship if a child is with them 24/7? Exercise with your child could be playing basketball, putt putt golf, riding bikes, going for a nice walk around the block. It helps children learn gross motor skills which is HIGHLY important for physical development. Being crafty is not hard. Im not crafty either but there are websites full of fun easy crafts where you can make flubber with stuff in your cupboards, makes noodle pictures, cut paper in to shapes, etc. All of which is important for their fine motor skills. I agree children should not always be in the kitchen for safety reasons but that doesn’t mean your child cant “cook” a sandwich or help make cupcakes/muffins. It teaches children math, motor skills, communication, sharing, etc. As a preschool teacher that article actually pisses me off. Every moment with your child is a moment your child learns something whether it’s a letter on a box of cereal, the color of fruit, shapes of noodles, etc. I do agree about the birthday parties, kids should get as many friends as they are old (4 yrs old 4 friends) for a birthday activity. I don’t want this to come off as venting cause its not, its just me explaining from a teachers point of view that her article is all kinds of wrong.
Well, I think we are a lot alike! I don’t do most of these things either. I am so.not.crafty. Now, this post makes me feel better.
All are understandable except I definitely believe in bathing every day or at least every other day. I only have two so I understand if it would be hard with 5 or something but i feel gross without a shower and i think they would too. Also the outside thing is easier for me because i live in nyc with public transportation but when stuck inside I think you have to limit the tv which is why number one is great because they should learn how to play by themselves
Instead of concentrating on what you don’t do, try to concentrate on what you do do. I don’t cook. I hate it and I feed my kids mac and cheese from a box or sandwiches most days.
However, I make up for it with constant fun, active, and educational outings. That is probably my strong point. I feel really good about myself because I know my kids get to go and do more things in a month than some kids do in a year. So whenever I feel down I think about my strong point as a parent and it cheers me up.
I only have one 2 yr. old so far. I enjoyed your blog, and thought at first “do I want to read this, because this person is going to tell me how I should be acting”. It was so NORMAL. There are many times I fee guilty about not letting my daughter do crafts or cook with me. I know my limitations and what will drive me crazy…the stress of having a 2 yr. old in the kitchen. I think there are some places where toddler should be and the kitchen isn’t one of them, especially if you’re trying to get something done. I APPLAUD the mom with 4 and one on the way. Best of luck…Sometimes Dora is a friend during the cold winter months
I think there is SO much put on moms to do this and that with their children, that we don’t need to be over taken with the supermom personalities that make you feel less than adequate.
I posted a comment earlier (@ 4pm) and I just want to explain a little more my thoughts on this article. Every day is full of learning experiences and opportunities where a parent can help their child learn something but in a fun and interesting way. Learning shouldn’t be all about flash cards, tracing letters and numbers, and trying to memorizing colors. Parenting is the hardest job out there and it can be stressful and exhausted. So why not take the moments that are stressful and turn them into a fun activity for everyone? Children love it when they feel like they have taught their parents/teacher something. It gives them a sense of pride and confidence which children need more than ever before. Im not saying anyone is a bad parent because they don’t sit down and play with their child, I just feel that the parents are losing out on an amazing opportunity to bond with their child and make memories. And I will say it again, Parenting is the hardest job in the world.
To Marie – you have a wonderful sense of what a “good” parent “should” be. I myself have three now grown children who I wish I had been able to stay home with and make noodle pictures, and color with, and all those things that most of these mothers are taking for granted. Ladies, watch it – you’re going to turn around and they will be all grown up and you WILL regret for the rest of your life the things you didn’t do. Go play in mud puddles, walk in the rain, make snow angels, or just sit and read or make up a story. I promise – you won’t regret it.
I think this list is sort of horrible, but thanks for writing it. Now when I feel like a bad mommy I can remember you and know I’m leaps and bounds in front of at least one person for sure.
I dunno…. seems like you just aren’t trying very hard. I know that sounds harsh. I’m an older mom and thus consider having kids such an incredibly blessing (my own mother considered me a curse, so maybe that’s where the over-achieving parent in me comes from). But I work 65-70 hours a week, exercise 30-60 minutes 5-6 days a week, my husband works too, and I get it all done. No nanny, just grandma now and then. Exercise, crafts, photos, bathing, birthday parties, cooking with me, playing on the floor. Check. I’m not bragging, just sayin’ that it all depends on your perspective.
Thanks so much for writing this post. I feel less alone reading that there are other not “supermoms” out there just like me. I do a lot everyday, but the day just doesn’t seem long enough
i like you honesty and can relate to many things that you are writing, my baby is only 7 month old but i am already worrying about not doing all those things once she is older, i am not very creative and somehow the day always seems too short to get everything done so i am not sure how things will plan out once she is older
BUT i do have to say i find some of the comments here very disturbing, not brushing teeth? bathing once a month? come on people, you have to educate your kids, how are they going to be like in college? you have to teach them at least the basics of hygiene, i am not a freaky mum with antibacterial wipes in every corner of the house but basics like washing hands and brushing teeth twice a day (especially when the costs of a dentist are so expensive and there are so many studies on how much bad teeth effect the rest of our bodies) is a no-brainer!!!!
It’s great how the comments here range from people being grateful for a mom who says she doesn’t do 10 things very well all that much, and those who are idiots, like Kelli up there, who take everything she wrote as a translation of her as literal failure of a mom. Why, when someone trys and shares something with the people on a blog do people feel the need to say stupid things to make themselves feel better or others feel worse. Disagree with certain things. Offer advice of your own if you really feel like it is that important to comment. Just don’t be an ass and make comments that are snarky just because it makes you feel better.
Regardless, being a mom has to be hard work. As a dad, I have no idea, I know. So, all you who have offered comments, even the mean ones, give yourselves a break and give each other some positive support without trying to compete for the “mother of the mintue” award. You all do things that you wish you didn’t. And you all do things that others could learn from. Just be nice about it.
Wow!!!
After reading the comments I am not sure I want to comment. Here are a few thoughts:
1. When my kids were this age I was pretty much the same.
2. You most likely do teach them a lot more than you think. Using sassy teachers example up there I bet there are times when you are asking them to point out letters and numbers. Its just not a formal thing. Kuddos!
3. To super mom up there —– hate to burst your bubble but something in your life is not up to par. There is no way you can work all those hours, take care of yourself, your house, your kids, your husband, and everyone is happy, Not going to say who in your life may not be happy or excited about your ability to overacheive, but I bet more than 1 mom has said never do I want her life, or she needs to learn to say no.
4. For the teacher —- I didn’t sit on the floor and play with my kids much either. I learned very early on that this was not a good thing for me. Too much frustration or whatever. My husband took on that role. They also had each other to play with and were very content to do so. My kids are doing great both socialy and academicly in school.
5. Thank you for being real and honest. I think you can see the majority of comments are possative. Most moms I know feel they are sucking in one area or another. The beauty of mothering is we are all doing our best – even though our paths may look a little different.
I just wanted to take a quick chance to respond to all the comments. Thanks to everyone who commented, and especially those who were encouraged by this post – that’s what it was meant for!
For those who think I’m a bad mom, I just need to respond that you are taking this list too literally. It’s not like I never, ever sit on the floor and play with my kids, I just don’t do it all that often. And it’s not like I don’t use every day opportunities to teach my kids things – I’m constantly talking to them and teaching them, I just don’t use flash cards, or have dedicated, “learning time”. And I don’t feel guilty that I don’t do any of those things, because I do plenty of other fun and great things with my kids. My kids are very happy and well adjusted kids, who know that their parents love them more than anything else in the world. This post is not about all of the things that I actually do as a mom, that was not the point of it – then I would just be bragging about how I “do it all”. The point is that there are things that all of us choose not to do as parents, in favor of the things that we do do (I hate that phrase, but it’s the best way to put it), and it’s okay. We don’t have to feel guilty about the things we don’t do, or feel like we’re supposed to be supermom, but can’t figure out how to get it all done. We can all be good parents to our kids in our own way.
I also wrote a response to this post about how I feel about my kids and how they are the most important things in the world to me – check it out if you’re interested – http://blogs.babble.com/toddler-times/2011/12/22/the-gift-of-being-a-parent/.
Thanks again for reading, and for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.
~Emily
So I read this article and it made me feel like a super mom!! I have twin 5 year old boys and a 9 month old boy. I should quit doubting my parenting because it looks like I’m doing better than a lot of u. thanks for writing it.
Emily thank you so much for this post, it alleviates some of my guilt. I would have to add to the list that I don’t always make a nutritious dinner and that sometimes I put my daughter to bed a little before her scheduled bedtime. Again, thanks for sharing!
Wow, like so many others this could have been me writing this in my sleep, or lack thereof. I really appreciate that you put yourself out there to say these things. So much of the time we only hear what the supermoms are doing and really feel like we come up short. As for all the nay sayers out there, you can find something better to do than to critisize the rest of us that are really trying. Not everyone was meant to be a Martha Stewert mom, I’m not. I just try to focus on the things that matter, like not letting my 1 year old fall off the back of the couch when he is climbing up and I am trying to (finally) bathe the 2 and 4 year old. Again thank you.
I truely got choked up reading this. I spend countless nights criticizing my own parenting and what I could have done better that day. I am a full time student, apprenticing and working part time and run the house hold everything, I only have so much energy, but I do what I see fit to nourish my boy’s heart and mind, seeing that other people skip out on things every now and then too, makes me not feel as terrible. And I really wish all of you angry, holier-than-thou’s would jump off your ridiculously high horses and take into consideration that other people aren’t you, and that’s the end of it. Say all the ugly things you want, this is how we manage.
We DON’T really eat together unless I’m not cooking; I’ll be in the same room but doing a million other things.
Marie – you sound like a wonderful preschool teacher and I don’t know if you have children yourself. The things you are talking about are things every mom would love to have the time to do. Most likely, if you have more than 2 little ones running around, you have a LOT on your plate, every day. It is not always possible to do all these things simply because there are only 24 hours in one day. Some things (professional photos, hiring a sitter) are just not possible because of financial restraints. I often think about if I would regret not doing something with my kids (no, my 3 year old is NOT in ballet) and there may well be a day when they will ask, and will have to tell them that is just the way it was and you turned out great anyway! It’s not that they will be without talent or skill because you did not sit and have ‘playtime’ with them every day.
Even though I don’t have ‘playtime’ with them every day…a mom can have certain activities ‘scheduled’ during the week. Even driving kids around can be a great time to learn letters/shapes on signs. That is something I don’t schedule but if I am worried about learning letters, this is something we’ll do. Or every week they do the recycling (learn about working/sorting). No worries, I usually end up doing most of it, or re-sorting it (which is sometimes a pain) but they still learn something and feel involved. About once a week we’ll also bake, but that to them is LIKE a craft. So, if I haven’t done a craft lately, baking is a good substitute and we actually get something to eat out of it, for the whole family.
Just thought I’d put that out there, I don’t think these moms are sitting on their butt all day but they just don’t do the scheduled preschool activities that are required by the toddler books…
Thanks for posting this! Takes some pressure off
well maybe if you saw a list of the things she does do you woman wouldnt be such a bitch and only God can judge us! we need to stop being so judgmental of other moms and help each other out by supporting each other.
Amen Emily!
Amen to Chris too!
This is probably the best post I’ve ever read. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I try my best and sometimes my best requires giving my 2.5 year old the remote and a bag of goldfish crackers. At least my kids are healthy, happy, silly, and well loved. And smart, oddly enough….
I love it! As parents we tend to think that our kids need to be entertained by us every hour of the day. They don’t! There is nothing at all wrong with them learning how to play and entertain themselves. Do you honestly remember your parents constantly in your face playing with you? Probably not. While I do love to do crafts and cook with my kids, it really depends on the kid and the type of day I’ve had lol. With my daughter, she was a sit still kinda kid, learned her letters really quickly, loved to play learning games. My son, on the other hand, is go go go! No time for sitting still and reading or writing. It can wait. He’s 3. As long as they’re happy, healthy, relatively clean (lol) and well fed, are you really doing any harm because you’re not being their play toy?
What does she do then? I LOVE to sit on the floor and play with my 13 month old daughter, she loves it too! We have a lot of fun together. I also don’t see the problem in teaching your kids numbers and letters. Not with flashcards but singing the alphabet song, which my daughter loves to hear.
I am a stay at home mom and I am looking forward to teaching my daughter arts and crafts. I am definetly not a crafty person but hey it is with a toddler it’s not like they will care how good or bad you are!
The things I don’t do is throw huge birthday parties. She has only had one birthday party so far and we just had close family. It was simple but fun.
I also don’t get professional pics done. I had them done when she was 6 months but she cried the whole time so I never went back for more.
Do you honestly remember your parents constantly in your face playing with you?
@ Kristina–no I do not. But then again my first memory is not until I was 3 years old. And after that a lot of my memories from early childhood are very fuzzy to non-exsistant. So whose to say that when I was a little toddler my mom or dad wasn’t on the floor playing with me????
Emily! From everything that Laura has shared with me and from reading your writing and actually SEEING you in action (although it has been too long), I know you are a wonderful mom! I hope I love my children as much as you do someday.
Nice article! My “don’t do” list is a little different, but I definitely skip some things that some other parents consider mandatory, and I think my kid is turning out pretty well. My parents skipped a few things I do and did a few things I don’t, and that was what worked for them.
As an employed mom, I’m constantly reminding myself when I read mom blogs that it isn’t fair to expect myself to do everything that a mom who isn’t out of the house 10 hours a day 5 days a week can do. (Jane: How much do you sleep? Do you do your own housework? When you say your child has “no nanny, only grandma now and then” do you mean only outside of working hours, or is he really with either you or his father ALL the time? Something’s got to give!) But I also remind myself that my job, and my “adult time” at lunch break and going to and from work, give me stress relief that at-home moms don’t get very often.
About sitters: I don’t see why parents can’t have couple time at home after the kids are in bed. It works for us! Because our son was in childcare many hours a week, we were reluctant to get a sitter for additional hours, and we’ve only done it a few times, but we feel we get plenty of time alone together. I grew up with an at-home mom who was involved in many volunteer groups with evening meetings (as was my dad), and when my brother and I were left with sitters it was usually because both parents were at separate, simultaneous meetings! But they rarely went on dates. They included us in most special occasions like dinner in a restaurant, seeing a play or concert, etc. The same is true with my son. Of course it means avoiding the fanciest restaurants and more adult entertainments for a few years, but that’s not a big deal to me and wasn’t to my parents.
Daily washing is much more important for adults than for children. I remember taking baths once or twice a week (except in summer, when I had one almost every night) until puberty, when I began to feel icky and smelly if I did not wash at least the crucial areas every day. As a teenager I babysat some kids who had a nightly bath and also had to be rubbed thoroughly with medicated lotion every night because of their dry skin–less bathing probably would have been better for them. My son gets two baths a week except in sweaty weather or if an activity gets him very dirty, and we wash his hair only once every 2 or 3 baths; he has healthy skin and smells good!
We didn’t get professional portraits until this year (with a Groupon!). Our son is 7. I think it’s fine to get them only once every few years, and a portrait by a skilled amateur is just as good! I do want to increase, though, the number of photos of all 3 of us together–usually one parent is holding the camera, so most of our pictures are of just 1 or 2 of us.
I love your list. I feel guilty about not doing a lot of the same things on your list. I get it. I do tend to sit on the floor and play with my kids a lot because they like it. Every kid is different and I think we moms need to remember to just go with the flow sometimes.
It’s not a contest. As long as our kids are healthy and happy, we all win.
“Thank your for share. I hope you will share once again.”
i needed to read this today, Em! I have had one of those weeks where it seems like all the wheels have fallen off. And I feel like I have failed in all aspects of parenting. I do generally feel like all the other mom’s do it perfectly and I’m the only one who hasn’t cracked the code on how to be a chef like Giada, fit and beautiful like Heidi Klum, crafty like Martha Stewart, mannerly like Emily Post, and the perfect mother like that lady who has 19 kids! Not sure where I got the idea that I needed to be all those things, but it’s refreshing and freeing to let it all go. Thanks for the reminder! (jules from the Wheaton days:))
i think it’s strange that anyone would say that emily is a bad mom. we all have our strengths. and we all have our weaknesses. at least emily is aware enough to see where she thinks she can do more. maybe you might sit on the floor a lot with your kid but i’m sure there is something you are not doing “enough” of. we’re all different, just like our kids. and not everyone one will relate to this post. but obviously there are so many that do. i read mommy blogs to learn about new things as much as i read them to reassure me that i’m not alone. anyway haters gonna hate. thanks for sharing emily.
THANK YOU for this post and being so REAL!!! I loved reading this knowing there are other moms out there like me. I totally read blogs to pass the time in the evening once my boys have gone to bed and I often find myself comparing myself to these moms I read about. Its so silly… Reading your post really boosted my self-esteem and helped me acknowledge what a bad a&$ mom:) Great post!!! And just the fact you blog at all is impressive to me, I have a little blog I do just to keep my family in the loop about what is going on with us and its 2 months behind. I could never succeed at being a “real blogger” Kuddos!!!
Thank you so much for your list! I’m lucky in that I have A husband who helps me put things in perspective when I’m feeling like I’m not doing enough as a mom to my infant and toddler. When I left my teaching job to become a SAHM I thought that I was going to be able to be a super mom and have tons of leisure time (hah!). While my life is a lot less stressful now that I’m not doing my mom role and staying up to the wee hours to get something done for my students, I never feel like I’ve done it right by the end of the day. My confession is that I read a novel by the side of the tub when my 2.5 year old takes a bath (he has a great time anyway though).
oh come on people if you aren’t guilty of these there is something that you do that people would consider being a “bad mom” My major flaw is the playing on the floor thing. I don’t like it and I’m not good at it, and now I don’t feel bad about it! LOL I work 40 hours a week, and balance that with running after my 15 month old and preparing for a new baby in May. My son is very loved and he knows it even if he doesn’t get bathed everyday and is put in his playpen during dinner prep. I try to focus on the things I am good at that benefit him, like knowing every single nursery rhyme/kids song out there and singing it with him daily. My kid can sing his ABC’s wheel’s on a bus and count to 3 like a pro, he says please and thank you and I’m proud of that at the same time he has a nasty habit if screaming for the things he wants and growling at other kids his age then running away with an evil little laugh that I’m pretty sure he means to sound evil…so hey you take the good with the bad.
Totally relate to all of these. Its great to have someone really share.
so, yes I’ve slacked too, we have a 22 yr. old who seems to be just fine & healthy, even though he experienced most of these things, my 11 yr. old seems fine as well, you really don’t have to be super mom, just love them & make sure they know right from wrong, & we don’t even believe in God.
It is so refreshing to know that I am not the only one!
This list was very therapeutic, as many other moms have commented. I was one of those pre-moms who read all the books and had a lot of lofty ideals about what kind of parent I would be. I work with preschoolers in a public library and am very, very good at giving awesome storytimes and puppet shows. But I only have those kids for 30 or 40 minutes. I also did a ton of babysitting and am super great at being patient, making healthy meals, crafts and whatnot. But, again, I only have those kids for 2 to 6 hours. These things didn’t come close to preparing me for the all-encompassing challenge of motherhood. Some days, we spend most of the day on the couch. My son naps on my chest and I watch TV. Do I feel terrible that I’m not offering him great learning opportunities while also doing dishes, laundry and making a healthy dinner? Yes. But it’s balanced out by the fact that many days that I do accomplish those things.
To Emily’s list, I would like to add my own biggest “don’t” that I struggled with a TON of guilt about. It’s something I wish more moms would talk about openly. *** I don’t make my baby sleep on his back.*** Now, before everyone gets all up in arms, I know, I know. It’s safest. But he literally wouldn’t sleep for more than 20 minute intervals before waking up startled and requiring an entirely new round of going to sleep soothing. We tried. Honestly. For nearly 2 very, very sleepless months. Finally, I had to come to terms with some numbers. In The Baby Sleep Book, Dr William Sears points out that the risk of SIDS is less than 1%. He (the only professional I have ever heard concede this fact) said that he never actually recommends belly sleeping to a family, but that ultimately it is the family’s decision what to do if they have a baby who prefers belly sleeping. My grandmother (who raised three children that turned out fine) finally said something that really stuck with me: You have to do what works. Our current situation was definitely not working. I was so tired after weeks of terrible, interrupted sleep that I started to lose entire chunks of time and my husband was sleeping on the couch just so he would be able to go to work the next day. Finally, one day, after almost stumbling into a wall while carrying the baby, I realized his chance of SIDS was less than 1%, but our chance of serious sleep deprivation and mommy burnout were pretty much 100%, and I finally laid him in his bassinet on his tummy. We have been sleeping well most nights since! He will be 6 months old in a few weeks and is happy, healthy and very much still alive.
I just wanted to share that story in case there are any more parents out there in a similar situation. Yes, back sleeping has proven safest to prevent SIDS. But we are non-smokers, the baby sleeps on a firm surface, with no blankets, pillows, stuffed animals or toys. His SIDS risk is pretty darn low. And we needed to sleep. Desperately. So there’s my “don’t” – Hope it helps alleviate someone’s guilt. God knows we need all the support we can get.
Oh, and, by the way, it wasn’t reflux. We checked. We had two different doctors check him over for any medical cause to the problem. They couldn’t find one.
Thank you! Thank you! There is no such thing as a supermom. We as mothers all have issues that we struggle with. I don’t sit and play on the floor with my kids all the time either and YES I feel bad about it, but I feel like I do other things to make up for it. Being a Mother is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything though. I love my children and they know that I do. They are good boys. My boys are 6 and 3 and they still sleep with my husband and I. Yes a little embaressing and so many mothers look down on me for it, but oh well. I feel secure with them next to me. Your post has helped me feel better and I just want to say thank you again!
Wow I am just not that hard on myself. My kids are older and I was a stay at home Mom for 11yrs. I played on the floor (sometimes) I did fun stuff and my kids are well behaved and respectful. I did however let them know that life isnt all about fun. I had things to do. I took them to the store, I only had 2, and they behaved. Not because they wanted to but because I made them. I make them do chores and (gasp) I dont pay them! They do it because they are a member of our family and we all pitch in. I think the best thing I ever did was after a punishment I would go in and talk to them. I would ask them why they felt they were in trouble. 9 times out of 10 they had no idea. ESP when they were younger. Its funny how they forgot so easily. I am not perfect, far from it! I yell and I am moody. I have beautiful, funny, amazing kids with big hearts. I love them more than life and I know they love me even if they are in their room silently yelling at how unfair I am. If they were happy with every decision I made I would not be doing my job as their mother. So to the Moms out there that do it all I applaud you. I didn’t have time to do it all. But I do what I can.
Do some of you actually read what you post?
“I play with my kids on the floor because I’m the best mom!”
“I bathe my kid every day because I’m the best mom!”
“I work 80 hours a week, AND work out every day AND do crafts with my kids AND bake pies with them AND volunteer for three charities AND take them to plays and museums, AND, AND, AND …”
“THAT’s why I’m the best mom, and YOU suck.”
For crying out loud, people. Talk about taking a fun, enjoyable blog post way too seriously.
Emily, I don’t think you need waste any more blog space defending yourself to some of the disturbingly insecure moms posting here. You sound like a lovely mother, not only because you take responsibility for their overall well being, but because you find your own ways to ENJOY and bond with your kids.
I really dislike the statement oft-repeated by martyr moms — “Being a mom is the hardest job in the world!” The reality is that it’s only as hard as we make it. Kids are not a project that we have to mold and shape into our perfect ideal. There is no special formula for turning out the perfect progeny anyway (genes also play a big role in how they turn out).
We need to stop being so uptight about this supposed “most difficult job in the world.” All this competition, judgment and self-criticism just sucks the joy out the experience.
I think I’m pretty much with you on those. I manage to get in the floor with my OLDER children. Because I can reason with them. But my 2 yr old? No, she & I know that mommy doesn’t do floor time with her. My 10 yr old is the only one that seems to handle her well in that department, so does that make HIM a better candidate? Nah!
(The 7 yr old annoys her more than I do! LOL) I know I’m doing OK when she tells me I’m her BEST friend & comes to me when she needs something. To the point she walks RIGHT PAST her daddy!! (And she’s SUCH a daddy’s girl, so it amuses me greatly!)
And she knows her ABC’s & can count to 20…and I know I didn’t do anything to “teach” her. And only my parents watch my kids (granted, they’re divorced, so I have an extra set, but still).
My boys have to shower if they get sweaty & on Sat nights before church, but she bathes every 2-3 nights…or if a mess is made. She doesn’t sweat much!
And I can’t AFFORD big fancy parties! Plus my kids are just happy having one friend each to hang out with. So why mess with all of that stress & expense when they’re happy without it?
Now, my 10 yr old is getting into cooking, but that’s a 10 yr old! So I’m with you on the little ones OUT of the kitchen! Too many heat/sharp injuries possible. Maybe Christmas cookies or something special once or twice a year.
We are lucky to have friends who are professionals who we do a CD once a year of pictures that we can email to my in-laws on the other side of the country, and let them print what they want. But we can’t afford to get anything print or hung up in the house. Though my mom is all crafty & an artist & has done a pastel of them for me before, so I do have SOMEthing!
I’ve been there done that with the diapers before. Can’t do that with my girl, b/c of issues, but that’s almost done!
You are awesome for admitting you don’t do those “cool/super mom” things. But my 3 kids think I’m a cool/super mom…and yours will too! Bless you!!
Okay, I think you have just become my best friend in my head!!!!! I love how honest this is…and no, I don’t do most of that…stuff either. Just had to say something!
Thank you so much for writing what I haven’t had the time to articulate as well as you have. I can so relate! As for my own situation, I’ve been very stressed lately and reading this has helped me to feel better knowing I am not alone. I have a 3 yr old son with autism and a 6 wk old son. Sleep deprivation, financial stress, plus I have a diagnosis of depression but I do my best with practically no help from anyone else.
My husband might change some diapers but when he is not working he is basically a big couch potato watching TV from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed. I miss my family in FL who would have been a lot more help to me than my greedy in-laws here. Logging onto Facebook is kind of a bummer when I see all the professional photos, themed bday parties, decked out nurseries, nice clothes, lots of toys, and family vacations we have not been able to afford. I quit playing Farmville and a lot of games on there as not enough time in a day. My husband is insecure/jealous tried to say that my online friends were males in disguise, give me a break. My 2 best friends live out of state.
I have my driver license but haven’t driven since the day I took the test at age 21 (fearful of causing an accident). I need to get more practice as it is frustrating when we go to the grocery store, my husband is 18 yrs older than me, has a bad back, obese, with Type2 Diabetes and complains that I take too long. It is my only time out after being cooped up in the house when after working he’d rather stay home and watch TV.
He could be so close to finishing his BS degree, he’d have to take another year of classes then student teaching to graduate. He thinks it would be too much to work full-time and go to school. He has no interest in putting the time effort sacrifice now to have more money, summers, and holidays off later.
I think it’s weird we’d have more money if he were also on Disabilty and if both of us were working part-time than what we have now between his full-time job and my SS check. I offered to work part-time on the weekends and he is not interested, 1) I think he doesn’t want the hassle of taking me to & from work while he would have to take care of the kids and 2) he’d probably think someone would “hit on me” (his biggest fear is I would leave him one day) and that 3) what I’d make is not worth the gas $$.
I am just overwhelmed a lot of the time between isolation, a husband that does not seem to care about what is important to me, only if I pay him “enough attention” (like I have the all the time & energy) with a newborn and a toddler with autism (3 yrs old, speech level 20 mos. old and not potty trained yet)
Again, thank you so much for writing this article. After reading that a lot of other moms relate, I do not feel as guilty for what I haven’t been able to accomplish in a day.
I’m with Jessica! Nice to find my mommy soul mates. We are on #5 and have fortunately realized that as long as he’s happy and safe, it’s all good.You do what you can…the rest will be there tomorrow ( or next week!). Keep up the good work ladies!
i dont do any of those things,really. i try and get down and play but im pregnant and that just dose not work for the belly and im not to crafty but i do have a chalkbord wall so my son can draw with easy clean up. i dont throw big partys because all my son cares about is that people are playing with him and the only reson i have pro-pictures taken is because someone ells prompted me and payed for them. i let my son out back as offten as i can so he can play and run as much as he wants but ill be darned if i have the energy for much of that. my son is a little lovebug and the sweetest thing he gets hugs and kisses and he is hiting his milestones and he is a happy boy. i talk to him all the time and he talks to me even though i dont understand much past the babble yet. but i think that all that really matters is that you are happy and so is your child. so long as they get the affection they need and are well taken care of and being taught to function in this world as they should then your doing your job.
Wow. Some of these comments are from one extreme to another of what moms do and don’t do and their reasons. I believe every family needs to set their own priorities with consideration given to each family members needs. Definitely believe hygiene, motor and social skills are important and should be encouraged in early development. Sorry to have read some of the extended periods of time a child may go without bathing, hair washing, teeth brushing and a diaper change. Feel that is neglect. Some of you are not talking about a few days here. You can have the love but taking care of children is part of the responsibility of rearing them. Also don’t think some of you don’t give yourselves enough credit for what you do. Attention, time doesn’t have to be a project. Can be a few moments here and there with your full attention on them that makes them feel they are the center of your world. Spend a day praising and complimenting your child to encourage self esteem for the littlest things they do well while you overlook the ones not agreeable to you. Repeat! As often as you can. LOL I am now a great grand mom, followed my own above advice, Raised great mom daughters and mom granddaughter to their children. Had a career, a husband that did help, was supportive and both of us involved in raising our kids and felt I had a life I enjoyed. Difficult to relate to most of you because I can’t recall any guilt raising my children even though I never thought I was perfect or a ‘Super Mom’. Maybe I was. Kids clean, diapers changed as needed, full attention, even for a moment sometimes. We weren’t a perfect family, but had our priorities and our children were at the top although that didn’t exclude us.
I love this whole thread! If you want to stir up a fury, start talking about bringing up children – it works every time lol! I have 4 children, 19, 16, 3 and 18 months. I was 22 when I had my first and 40 when I had my last. When I had my eldest, the absolute, scientifically proven, safest way to put him to bed was on his side with a rolled up blanket behind him so that he COULD NOT roll onto his back. I had to breast feed him (for the short time that I did it) every 4 hours from both breasts, he was to begin weaning at 12 weeks (I still have my record book to hand as I’m writing this) and I could smack him whenever I felt it appropriate. Now, not one single one of these things (and these are the only ones I can think of, but I’m sure there must be far more) is recommended for my 18 month old. My point is that everything changes. What was thought to be right at one stage, isn’t the case anymore. Therefore if the government guidelines constantly change, how can anyone criticize what each mother does with her own children. Some of you ladies are taking such a moral high ground, but you might find that next year, what you are doing is not such a great idea after all! All my children are loved exactly the same. My biggest fear sometimes is that my older children don’t remember the fact that they were spontaneously picked up and kissed and squeezed and tickled and all that jazz, because obviously they don’t want that now and to be honest, they ain’t that cute anymore! I tell them both that I was exactly the same with them! I had to go back to full time work when my eldest was 3 months old because that was the way it was then. By the time I had my 3rd, life was different and we have been lucky enough for me to stay at home and so my youngest has me here too. I must say that it is far easier being at work full-time than it is being at home. I love being at home, but some days it is the most soul destroying, thankless, tiring, frustrating, isolating and just plain boring few hours ever. Other days are full of laughter, fun, love and more fulfillment than could ever be imagined. I don’t bath my babies every night, never have. I don’t get down and play with my children every day, never have. I have got friends who compliment my children. One of my friends even said that she hoped when she had children, they were as nice as mine. There is nothing more that I could ever wish for than that kind of comment because ultimately I have done something right. I don’t think I am the world’s greatest mother – I have plenty of failings. I do have the foresight this time around to see how my actions affect the way my youngest two, which in turn has changed some of my parenting practice – like how much some things really matter after all. I’m not the same person that I was twenty years ago either. I have much more patience now and am more laid back in some ways, but I’m much more tired than I was before and pregnancies at 38 and 40 have taken their toll in ways that didn’t affect me at 22 and 25. There are plenty of things too, that I see people do with their children that I would never dream of letting mine do, or behave in a way that I don’t think is appropriate, but that is my opinion. I don’t think that they are bad parents because I don’t agree with them. I wonder how many ‘super mums’ put such pressure and expectation on their children because they want them to do everything and be the best at it, that they are constantly stressed? I love this feed, I think that Emily is brilliant. She obviously has wonderful, happy children so what is the problem for God’s sake? You can’t go around judging people and neither can you criticize someone who doesn’t do things the way you do them. It actually doesn’t make you a very nice person if you do and that is one of the worst influences for your child, surely?
It is nice to know we don’t have to be super mom all the time! Although a lot of the things on your list I do or at least attempt to do with 4 children ages 9,4,3 and 1 (…I am thankful one is in school) plus I do childcare for a 10,8 and 4 year old sibling set… daily bathes do not happen…weekly crafts and an attempt to teach letter and numbers even if it is with an online game is common at our house…sure it gets a little crazy here and the house is sometimes a wreck ( I aim for not embarrassing when someone unexpectedly knocks at the door clean) … and I have learned not to judge other parents for the way they teach their kids or how they or their kids act at a bad moment…. live and let live, learn from others but don’t be quick to judge … being a stay at home mom of 4 has taught me A LOT about life!
you know, as long as you’re not beating them, not starving them, not emotionally or verbally abusing them, not ignoring them, not leaving them home alone, and not doing drugs or getting drunk around them, then i’d say you’re good. no worries. you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. just because you’re not crafty or something else trivial like that doesn’t mean you aren’t a good mom.