It’s not just a few feet and a hundred or so pounds that separate most people from toddlers. It’s not just our advanced language skills, either, or our ability to draw something more elaborate than a rainbow.
There are plenty of other habits and behaviors that separate us from our small children.
Here are 10 of them:
We Don’t Consider Waking Up Early to be a Sport 1 of 10While it's totally awesome that you are consistently thrilled to be not only conscious but active as a hummingbird before sunrise, we're sorry to report that we get our kicks by going to bed early, not getting up early.
You know, basically, the opposite of what you do.
We Know Where the Bottle Will Go When You Throw It 2 of 10We don't want to spoil this for you, but the answer is the floor.
It's always going to go directly on the floor.
Ditto for your pacifier, your lunch, your lovey, your bath toy and just about everything you toss and expect us to retrieve for you because you're not 100 percent sure what would happen or where it would go but still threw it anyway.
We Don’t Think the Trash Can is Even Remotely Interesting 3 of 10Same goes for the toilet, the diaper pail, the dead bird on the sidewalk or the pile of dog poop on the neighbor's lawn.
Were Not Startled in the Least By Peek-A-Boo 4 of 10Yes, kids, unlike you, we're that good at acting surprised.
We Think Naps are Awesome 5 of 10You might kick and scream every time we put you down for a nap and then toss and turn and refuse to shut your eyes for as long as your body will hold out, but given the chance, we will nap like it's our job, any time of the day, any day of the week.
It's what separates us from you.
When Our Fingers Are Coated in Food, We Try to Avoid Running Them Through Our Hair 6 of 10But especially when we have red sauce, peanut butter, cream cheese or anything embedded in our fingers that necessarily and effectively render our hair harder than concrete and smellier than the town dump.
You know, kind of like the anti-you.
We Love You, Too, But We Will Survive if You Cross to the Other Side of the Room Alone 7 of 10Being wanted is lovely, as it usually means you're loved. Needing us to want you immediately and without restriction when we are, say, refilling a water glass, however, is sometimes seen by the district attorney's office as felony stalking.
One of us is guilty of it, the other is not.
We're just sayin'.
We Don’t Act as if Were Being Tortured When in the Car for Longer than 7 Minutes 8 of 10A few hours, maybe. But from the house to the post office?
We Just Can’t Get All Fired Up About Yogurt 9 of 10Unless it's spiked with vodka. Make that happen and then we'll talk.
Until then, we just don't exactly understand the utter delight that you exude every single time you see a container of YoBaby. We just don't.
Wed Prefer More Reading Variety in the Evening Than Just Goodnight Moon 10 of 10A little "Dear Zoo," maybe. "That's Not My Bunny" wouldn't kill us, either.
Toddlers, on the other hand? Try introducing a book outside of their evening routine and best of luck getting them to go quietly into the night.
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