15 Items My Toddler Has Tried to Eat That Aren't Food

Toddler girl
Dora the Explorer was just an appetizer

When you’re a mom you just know things about your kids. Like, I know when my older daughter Petunia, 4, is in another room and quiet for more than two minutes, something precious has been irreparably broken.

My younger daughter Peony, 1, is teething. However, I know the difference between her trying to ease the pain of cutting a tooth and eating things that are not food. She chomps on a teething toy when something in her mouth is bothering her. She tries to eat dirty sneakers when she’s hungry.

Fingers crossed that the ER at our local hospital will start offering rewards points or frequent flier miles, as these are 15 of the many, many items she’s tried to eat over the past few weeks:

  • This shopping cart handle 1 of 15
    This shopping cart handle
    At least it was a Whole Foods shopping cart, so you know the germs, fecal matter and bacteria are organic.
  • Her crib 2 of 15
    Her crib
    It's moments like this when I realize perhaps we need to add a snack or two to her daily diet.
  • The home phone 3 of 15
    The home phone
    Research shows that remote controls and phones are dirtier than toilet seats.
  • The toilet 4 of 15
    The toilet
    And yet that doesn't make it any better when she actually tries to eat the toilet. Even if the lid is closed.
  • Good Night Gorilla 5 of 15
    Good Night Gorilla
    That's one way to absorb a good book.
  • Elmo 6 of 15
    I'm not sure if eating Elmo will make his laugh any less annoying, but kudos to her for trying anyway.
  • This plant 7 of 15
    This plant
    To be fair, it does look tasty.
  • Sand 8 of 15
    She actually didn't like the sand as much as she liked the bucket that wasn't ours that had likely been sitting on the beach and peed on by countless kids before it made contact with the inside of her mouth.
  • My keys 9 of 15
    My keys
    Upside: I found my keys.
    Downside: Did I mention I dropped them a few days ago on a sidewalk that had just been cleared of dog poop?
  • The faucet 10 of 15
    The faucet
    At least we know dehydration should never be a problem.
  • This rock 11 of 15
    This rock
    Timing is everything, as evidenced by this rock that I randomly managed to spot going into her mouth before it had to be Heimliched out of her throat.
  • Dora 12 of 15
    I could understand Swiper or the Grumpy Old Troll Who Lives Under the Bridge. But what did poor Dora ever do to anyone?
  • Her hand 13 of 15
    Her hand
    I can't blame her; I want to eat her up, too.
  • These shoes 14 of 15
    These shoes
    All of them. She particularly likes to lick the soles when they are at their very dirtiest.
  • That thing over there 15 of 15
    That thing over there
    Anything over there, really.
    She's officially on the see-food diet with no signs of letting up any time soon.

Photo credits: Meredith Carroll

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Article Posted 4 years Ago
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