18 Hilariously True Quotes About Toddlers

Toddler is an age of wonder, humor and meltdowns over gloves and noodles. In fact, toddler is an age where if you don’t or can’t find the humor in all the little things that can go wrong in a day you will end up crying in the corner before breakfast is over. Thankfully enough of us have survived the toddler years that we can lend wisdom and humor to the generation below us, when you think that almost everyone in this world, from Ralph Waldo Emerson to Johnny Depp has had to deal with toddlers it makes them a sort of universal and unifying force.

Here’s a few of my favorite quotes about toddlers from actors, writers, poets, comedians and parents just like us.

  • With Caution 1 of 18

    Imagine staring down a blender full of berries and knowing you have to start it without the lid. That's pretty much how I feel every time I have to take my toddler out amongst the general public — you know it's going to be terrible, but you don't really have a choice.

  • Germy 2 of 18

    If you've ever witnessed the amount of snot that can travel from a toddler's nose, up their face and down your dry clean only clothes, then you'll know that having a toddler around is simply a ticking time bomb of illness and infection.

  • Classy 3 of 18

    I once flew first class with a baby, she did fine. Then I flew with a toddler, it wouldn't have mattered if we had the entire plane to ourselves it was that bad.

  • Well, duh. 4 of 18

    One of the biggest complaints my mother-in-law has about all the grandkids being home for the holidays is how loud it is. Which means there really will be a time when I'll forget how chaotic and loud my own day to day life with little people is.

  • Sticky 5 of 18

    Mine also always seem to smell like cookies, which isn't terrible, but it makes me wonder if they're working with a secret stash I don't know about.

  • Futility 6 of 18

    Which is why I don't clean my house. I'll have my entire life to have a clean and organized house, now is not that time. Realizing this has saved me years of sanity.

  • Little Drunks 7 of 18

    The similarities are striking, especially if you have a fairly belligerent toddler who yells and screams incoherent things at strange moments. (They also fall asleep in strange places, Johnny forgot to mention that one.)

  • Sleeping Truth 8 of 18

    I love these little babies of mine, but I'm so glad they eventually turn off and recharge for the night — there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth when nap time is all but a memory around this house.

  • Personal Inventory 9 of 18

    Answering "Why?" 32 times in a row, followed by countless explanations about why we don't eat our own boogers or lick the bottom of our shoes, will really make you re-evaluate where you're at in life.

  • A Job Well Done 10 of 18

    Bonus points if I ran a few loads of laundry and managed to get a hot dinner on the table. On the very worst days, just keeping them alive seems like a task worthy of a medal.

  • Suspect 11 of 18


    Or in the words of one of my Facebook friends, "Silence means an inevitable trip to the ER."

  • Not a Cheese 12 of 18

    I try to stick to the wholes and halves, rounding up and down. But if some parent wants to get super picky about developmental milestones? Cheese age is coming out.

  • Toddler Logic 13 of 18

    Preferably sitting on them, touching them, patting their soft parts, and screaming at them if they so much as even dare to walk out of the room for even a moment.

  • Conversational 14 of 18

    It starts around 2, and so far it hasn't ended with my 9-year-old. She gets SO CHATTY come bedtime, it's as if 8 o'clock is the witching hour for discovering the mysteries of the universe or at least attempting to get one more story out of mom before bed.

  • Frat Life 15 of 18
    frat house

    There's also a lot of dirty underpants, screaming, abandoned cups and a strange odor.

  • Comfortable 16 of 18

    It's a radar they have, I swear. Do a bunch of meaningless tasks? They'll leave you alone. Sit down to read one chapter in a new book for five minutes? IT'S ALL OVER.

  • Death 17 of 18

    Toddlers have their own set of rules, and until you can convince them that your way or the highway is really the only set of rules in the house there will be a lot of screaming, yelling and "HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR?" rebellion. They're so cute, but they can get SO MEAN.

  • Bar Brawl 18 of 18

    At least there's drunk tanks for the bar patrons, when you have an ill behaved toddler on your hands it's all you, all the time.

Find more of Casey’s writing on her blog moosh in indy or her Babble Voices site Shutterlovely. She’s also available on twitter, facebook, flickr and Instagram. If you can’t find her any of those places? Check the couch, she’s probably taking a nap.


Article Posted 2 years Ago
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