Sometimes it’s all we can do but laugh after a long-ass day of seemingly being attacked, wailed and stomped on by our adorable, sweet, innocent-enough-but-actually-far-from-it children.
Preferably we’re having this chuckle while sipping on a generous glass of malbec. Or stretching out a day of patience worn thin at a yoga class. Whatever turns your crank.
For me, poking fun at the dirty truth of my torrid and wonderful roller-coaster experience in early parenting is one of my ways of coping. Because for every moment that my children amaze, entertain, beguile and lay sweetness on me…they also pee on me and stuff.
‘Reasons’ For The Meltdowns… 1 of 23
Toddlers have problems too, yo. These seem to be the top 10 for each of my tots respectively. Some of them cross-over, but they are after all individuals, so I thought it best to keep things separate.
Wyndham’s "Reasons" 2 of 23
All of the ways in which he looses his ever-loving mind!
Capping Screen Time 3 of 23
Not being able to watch variables of Chika-Chika-Boom-Boom umpteen times on YouTube. At 6 in the morning. When he should be sleeping.
Toddler Torture 4 of 23
Brushing his teeth. Giving him the "wrong" toothpaste. (Not strawberry flavoured. Minty is spicy! Torture!)
Even More Toddler Torture 5 of 23
Having his hair brushed. Having hair in his eyes. When I spray his detangler on his hair. Basically anything involving hair.
Toddler Jail 6 of 23
Getting buckled into the car seat. Having to get out of the car seat. Not being carried out of the car seat. Picking him up out of the carseat instead of letting him do it himself.
Sippy Cup Woes 7 of 23
Being given the wrong sippy cup or being given a regular cup. Being given a sippy cup instead of a regular cup. Giving him the wrong colour cup. It depends on the day!
Technology Wars 8 of 23
When I take away the iPhone. When YouTube goes wonky. When the iPad or iPhone can't come to the toilet with him. When he can't sleep with an iPhone under his pillow. SITUATION.
Mom, Check Yo’Self 9 of 23
When I don't whip out the apple juice in 0.5 seconds. When he can't drink a litre of water right before bed. When he pees the bed.
No Park-Time Til Brooklyn 10 of 23
When we don't stop at every park we ever drive by. When we can't go into the water at the beach park in the dead of winter. When he's not allowed to pee on the big tree at the park and has to walk to the washroom instead.
Dessert For Dinner 11 of 23
When we can't have donuts for dinner. And we drive by a Tim Horton's (AKA "IceCapd") every day.
Denied! 12 of 23
When he can't sleep with 20 or so matchbox cars on top of my head or under my legs.
Abby’s "Reasons" 13 of 23
Not to be shown-up by her brother, Abby breaks in at an even tie with her brother in the throw-down-kick-flail-wail fest action.
Wardrobe Malfunctions 14 of 23
When she can't wear her crocs to "kool" (school). When she can't go to school naked. When there just aren't enough tutus to wear everyday.
Deep Hate For Utensils 15 of 23
When I give her a fork. When I give her a spoon. When I pick up her fork or spoon for her when she flings it on the ground. When she flings her fork on the ground."Why did you do that?! WAAAH! Worst idea ever mama!" her wails seem to say.
Sugar Crazed 16 of 23
When she can't have almond chocolate milk 24/7. Or cookies. Or chocolate milk and cookies in her bed at bed time. Oh, and she tries for it.
Small Is Small 17 of 23
When she can't pick up other children (she calls all other kids babies) who are bigger than her.
Boogie Train 18 of 23
When I clean her nose. When she has a boogie in her nose.
Invincible 19 of 23
When she gets stopped dead in her tracks from leaping down from chairs, tables, couches, the wagon while we're crossing a busy street, etc.
Gross and JUST NO 20 of 23
When she can't drink the bath water, when she can't jump up and down in the tub. (Fall down go boom! Crack my head open! Stitches! SO FUN!)
Sad Face 21 of 23
When bubbles pop. Tragic.
Annoyances 22 of 23
When her brother touches her. When her brother doesn't let her touch him.
Car Seat Everything 23 of 23
Anything to do with a car seat. Especially not being able to do up the buckles on the car seat by herself.
More Babbles From Selena…
- A Day In The Life of a Farmer Toddler
- 20 Totally Awesome Toys For Tots
- Moms, Check Your Boobs: A Simple Self Breast Exam Guide
- For The Times that My Toddlers DON’T Fight
Elsewhere on the internets…
Via her humble beginnings, mastering in general mayhem: le petit rêve